Forgiveness and Repentance

By Leave a Comment

“My husband has been cheating on me and I do not know if I can ever forgive and forget such an act.”

“My wife talks to me with such disrespect and hatred that I’m not sure that I will ever be able to forgive and forget that.”

I know that I could continue with different scenarios, but I think you get the picture of how many people feel about forgiving someone.  It is a misnomer that someone would be able to forget something that has created such hurt in his/her life.  Since that is the fact, what does it mean for us to forgive someone?

Matthew 6:14-15 (NASB)
14 “For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
15 “But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.

Every person I know wants to be forgiven by God, therefore they struggle with the idea that they have to forgive whomever has hurt them.

We read also about God’s forgiveness: Isaiah 43:25 (NASB)
25 “I, even I, am the one who wipes out your transgressions for My own sake, And I will not remember your sins.
Wow!!! God says He will not remember our sins and we are supposed to forgive as He has forgiven.

Ephesians 4:31-32 (NASB)
31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.
32 Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. (emphasis mine)

I want to add one more verse to the list of verses I’m using today because I think that we need to have a better understanding of how we are to forgive as well as then behave with the offender.

Luke 17:3 (NASB)
3 “Be on your guard! If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him.

This verse seems to be saying something different than the other verses.  I do know that the following verse tells us Luke 17:4 (NASB)
4 “And if he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.”

In order to get a grasp on forgiving someone, we have to look at each principle that is given to us in scripture.

The first principle that we need to understand is that we have to have a attitude of forgiveness if we expect God to forgive us.  As Jesus is teaching us how to pray, he includes that we must forgive so that we can be forgiven.  How presumptuous it would be for us to expect God to forgive us if we are unwilling to forgive someone else.  If we harbor unforgiveness, then we are not willing to be Christ-like.  When we choose to be unChrist-like than God is not going to forgive us, until we repent.

The second principle that we need to understand is that God chooses not to remember our sins.  God cannot forget anything.  He knows every thing.  I believe that when God sees us, He is looking at us through the blood of Christ that has been applied to our lives through our salvation.  Therefore, He chooses to see the sacrifice and not the sin and He does not hold the sin against us because of what Jesus has done for us.  We can enter into God’s presence because of this.

What does this mean for us as we forgive others?  We will not forget what has occurred to us.  Our minds hold on to hurts and trauma as well as special events and details.  When someone has wronged us, it would then be unrealistic to ever believe that we would be able to forget.  What we must do is to make a conscious effort to not hold the wrong against the person who has wronged us.  This effort obviously would be easier for lesser offenses than it would be for something major.  If your spouse has committed adultery, then you will have to wrong harder at not “remember” the offense.

The third principle that we need to understand is that our ability to forgives comes from our understanding of how much God has forgiven us.  That understanding only comes when we truly consider the cost of our forgiveness in the first place.  We are in the days of celebrating Christmas, the birth of Jesus.  He had to leave heaven to be born into this world.  He lived a sinless life and then died a substutionary death for us so that the penalty of sin would be paid.  He then rose from the grave and then assended into heaven so that we could join Him one day.  Our forgiveness cost Jesus Christ every thing.  When we forgive others, we must be willing to “pay” a price.

The final principle that I believe is important for us to understand about forgiveness is that true forgiveness cannot come without repentance.  Dr. Ronald Hawkins wrote that forgiveness without repentance is cheap.  (Totally Sufficient, pg. 213)  The word repent means to do an about face and go the other direction.  Repentance carries with it an attitude of humility and a willingness to follow the guidelines that are in place.  When forgiveness is offered without repentance, the offender will continue to abuse or misuse the offended.  In salvation, we have the ultimate forgiveness.  Our relationship with God is secure because all of our sins (past, present, and future) are forgiven.  But we are told in scripture to repent and to ask for God’s forgiveness. (I John 1:9)  When we sin after our salvation, the fellowship with God is broken and we must repent in order for Him to restore that fellowship.  The same is true with people around us.  The true fellowship of the intimate relationship of marriage or family can only be sustained when there is repentance along with forgiveness.  When there is repentance, trust can be rebuilt and reconciliation can take place.  Without repentance, the relationship is void of those qualities.

We must be forgiving people.  We must live with an attitude of forgiveness.  We also are told by Christ that we can expect repentance for true forgiveness to be given.

Reflection of the Election

By Leave a Comment

This morning as I awoke, I began thinking about all that has transpired in the past few weeks or months which culminated in the election results last night. Many evangelical Christians really struggled concerning the religion of Mr. Romney, but at the same time knew that Mr. Obama was not who they desired to continue to lead this country. I recall many conversations that I either participated in or observed where there was great emotion concerning the election. Most of the emotion was negative with name calling and back-biting. I probably even added some negativity to the ones I participated in. I have asked God’s forgiveness of my wrong doing. Even when I went to bed I was disappointed in the outcome of the election. You see, I am very pro-life and conservative if anyone reading this did not know. I believe in the sanctity of life as well as the sanctity of Biblical Marriage. But in my disappointment, I heard God’s voice ask me “Whom are you trusting?” A very convicting question. I know that I have posted on FaceBook and Twitter about how we are to walk with God and trust Him, no matter who is elected. I know that I have encouraged others to realized that God is in control and we are just to do our responsibility, which is to pray and vote. At the same time, my own emotions are full of confusion and questions about what the next four years will be like. I want to share some thoughts with you that I believe God is giving me this morning.
1. I am to pray for Mr. Obama. Several places in scripture, God tells us to pray for our leaders and to be subject to them. Romans 13:1-7 and I Timothy 2:1-3 are just a couple of them.
2. I am to respect Mr. Obama as president. Does that mean I have to agree with his politics? NO! What it does mean is that I am to not talk bad about the man. I am not supposed to belittle him as a person. He holds the office of President of the United States, which is the highest honor in the free world. There are times that his behavior does not indicate that he understands that, but my job is not to point that our disrespectfully.
3. I am to pray for our nation. I am to pray for the leaders in both the House and the Senate. I also need to be praying for our Evangelical Christian leaders in our nation, rather that be pastors, evangelists, or other national voices that are following God’s leadership.
I am still left with some questions about our future as a country and the freedoms that we have enjoyed for our history to this point. Will we lose some of those freedoms? What is going to happen to our country economically, socially, as well as religiously? I think I can make a fairly good guess concerning these questions, but in all actuality I do not know.
I also wonder if the Christians of the United States need to learn a lesson through what is happening politically. I have heard so many people whom claim to be Christians speak so badly toward the President. I have been in debates about how we are to act and speak. I thank God that we do not have a leader like Nero or Domitian. I thank God that we still have the ability to vote and voice our opinions concerning our beliefs. What if we are in this situation because we did not act as God wanted us to act? What if we are in the crucible of life, needing to learn how to be Godly in the political arena as well as the pulpits and the work force?
I am not blaming any one. I am asking questions concerning what is going on around me. I think we all as Christians need to ask God what we are supposed to be doing in all of our lives and then act on those instructions. We do not need a president who agrees with us to be effective as Christians. All we need is to have The Holy Spirit in our hearts directing us and to know the Word of God in order to know how God desires for us to live. I think the challenge today is for us to kneel before God to get our marching orders and then to march. I believe also we are to be armed with the love of God for all whom we encounter today to offer the hope that only comes from God.

The Man’s Greatest Need in Marriage

By Leave a Comment

The past several days I have been writing about the woman’s need for security and the different aspects of what that means. We’ve looked at being able to understand her, the reason for her need of security, creating security in your sexual life, as well as in your financial lives. Each of these is very important for men to be able to create the secure environment his wife needs for the marriage to be fulfilling for her. With this information, we are on the way to having a happy marriage…BUT there is another side of the scales that need to be balanced. The other side is the Greatest Need in a Man’s life.
When I ask the question, “What is your husband’s greatest need in a relationship with you?” The answer usually is more sex. Some people answer love or understanding. Some men might say that the answer is more time for hobbies. All of these answers are good, but not the Biblical answer.

Ephesians 5:22 (NASB)
22 Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.

This verse is not a popular verse in today’s society. They want to portray women who submit as weak and inferior. They say that submission is passé and old-fashion. The word that is used in the New Testament as submit means to place yourself under the leadership of someone else. The placement is a voluntary action. This action recognizes the line of authority that God has designed for the home.
It means that she recognizes that her husband is the head of the home and responds to him accordingly without usurping his authority to herself.
The Bible Knowledge Commentary: An Exposition of the Scriptures by Dallas Seminary Faculty.

1 Corinthians 11:3 (NASB)
3 But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ.

Ephesians 5:33 (NASB)
33 Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.

I want to focus on the need for men to be respected. We do not understand the word submit as well as we understand the word respect.
One of the aspects that need to be first understood is that women are supposed to respect, not because their husband is respectable but because God tells them to. (Just like men are supposed to love because God says so.) I realize that this can be difficult to do, because I do not always act in a respectable way. My wife, Lisa, cannot control me nor does she want to most of the time. Her job is to treat me with respect.
How are some ways that this will happen?
1. Talk respectfully. Do not belittle your husband. Do not argue with everything that he says. I am not telling you that you are not able to speak or that you cannot disagree with your husband. I am saying that when you do, you need to speak with respect in your voice.
2. Pray with him. Men desire to hear their wife pray out loud with them. I know that not everyone likes to pray out loud, but it does help in making your husband feel respected.
3. Follow him. God has made the husband the leader in the home. God did not ask anyone if that was a good idea or not. He set this hierarchy up in the Garden of Eden when He created Eve from Adam’s rib. Again, I believe a wife has the responsibility to share her desires and her needs. But, in the end, it is the responsibility for the husband to lead.
4. Have sex with him. Men feel respected when their advances are accepted. This is why so many men feel they need sex more is because they do not feel respected in their relationship with their wife.
There are other ways to help your husband feel respected. Tell him what he does well or what he does right. Encourage him to improve in areas that he needs to improve in.
Women, if you want your husband to realize that his marriage is very fulfilling you need to respect him. Ask him if he feels respected by you. Ask him how you can respect him more. It will bring both of you more satisfaction.

Sexual Security

By Leave a Comment

Yesterday I wrote The Woman’s Greatest Need in Marriage and I finished by giving a list of the areas women need security. Today I would like to discuss the area of sexual security for a woman and how a husband can make his wife feel secure sexually.

ImageWe live in a very sexually charged society. We cannot drive down the road without seeing sexually explicit billboards. We’ve all heard the adage that sex sells. Well everything from the beer companies to the car companies believes that statement. When we turn on the TV we see all kinds of degrees of sexual content from the commercials to the shows themselves. Even when we open our mailboxes, there can be ads that are not the most wholesome. So what do we do about all of this in our marriages?

Women, for the most part, are very conscientious about their bodies. They have been comparing themselves to photos and other women most of their lives. Do I look as good as so-and-so? How do I compare to ________? I don’t like this area of my body or any part of my body. Then they see the models or the ads and it can create even more frustration and insecurity than ever before. If a woman has a baby, her body changes and then more insecurities can be felt. As a woman gets older, insecurities can prevail in her thinking.

Wow, when we start thinking about how a woman can feel about herself, we can see how difficult it is to maintain security in our relationship with them. So how do we maintain security in our sexual lives with our wives?

  • Having Eyes just for them. We need to be cautious of who we look at and how we look. I realize that many men do not think that it is wrong to look at other women. I have been told, “even though I’m on a diet doesn’t mean I can’t look at the menu.” I can tell you that an attitude like that does not create a secure atmosphere for a wife. Men, we need to focus on making sure that we do not stare, gawk or really even look at someone else. Even the TV shows that we watch can create insecurity for our wives. How do we respond to commercials or to how the people are dressed in the programs that we watch are very important. A lot of the time, I close my eyes or look at my wife during certain commercials or programs. She then tells me when I can look. This action by me helps my wife feel secure in our relationship.

Job 31:1 (NASB)
1 “I have made a covenant with my eyes; How then could I gaze at a virgin?

Matthew 5:28 (NASB)
28 but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

  • NO PORN!! I realize that this one is similar to the first one, but I want to reiterate this point. Pornography is demeaning to women. Your wife believes that she cannot compete with the women in the pictures and would not be able to perform as those women perform in the videos. If you want your wife to feel secure with you, you cannot be involved in such behavior.
  • Complement your wife. Tell her that you find her attractive. Tell her what you like about her body in flattering ways. Do not talk nasty. Most women again find this demeaning. I know that I am talking in generalities, but most of the time they are right.

 Song of Songs 4:1 (NASB)
1 “How beautiful you are, my darling, How beautiful you are! Your eyes are like doves behind your veil; Your hair is like a flock of goats That have descended from Mount Gilead.

  • Talk about Sex. Talk about her needs and desires. Let her tell you what she likes. Let her guide you. It will be probably more enjoyable for you as well as for her. Tell her what you want and need. Wait for her response. Don’t force her to try something that she is uncomfortable with.

I know that these are just a few suggestions and there can be so much more written. I would love to hear how you can add to this.

Image

 

Understanding Your Wife

By Leave a Comment

Many days in my counseling ministry I hear about how women feel their husbands do not understand them. When I make a statement about what it means to understand their wives, usually the women cry because for the first time in a long time they feel they are heard and understood. Now I’m not bragging because I am not the best husband or the best counselor. I have to admit that God gives me discernment and wisdom as I ask for them. I have to give Him the credit for,what happens in my office because without Him I couldn’t do what I do. This blog is not about how I counsel, but rather how men are supposed to understand their wives. How do men understand their wives when there are several differences in how we are created?
You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered. (1 Peter 3:7 NASB)
The Bible tells us to understand our wives, which seems to be an impossible task when women do not understand everything about themselves. The word that is translated understanding deals with the idea of being considerate and sensitive of their deepest physical and emotional needs. When I talk about emotional needs, I lose a lot of men because men have a very difficult time with emotions. The only emotion many men know is anger and they express that in inappropriate ways. That’s another subject for another day. Women function through their emotions mostly. They desire their man to care with them about the same things. I do not ask men to have the same emotion as their wives but I do ask men to care about their wives. Now how do we do this? We ask questions. These questions need to focus on how our wives feel. Men think analytically and not emotionally. It is a challenge for us to even ask about emotions. When she begins to talk about her emotions, we can begin to tune out. When we tune out, we tell our wives that we don’t care about them. Is it OK for your wife to cry and you not understand why she’s crying? Or do you tell her that she doesn’t have any reason to cry? What do you think she hears by that? The main thing she hears is that she is not cared about. Another way we can show our wives we understand them is by making sure we show them consideration. When they ask us to do something or not do something, we need to pay attention to their requests. I was told by a wife that her husband always tells her that she over-reacts to what he watches on TV. He is always watching shows that show scantily clothed women and it really makes his wife feel inadequate as a woman and a wife. She totally feels misunderstood. That conversation was so similar to others I have on a regular basis. Men, it is important that we show consideration to our wives desires and needs. When we learn how to do this, our relationship with our wives will improve greatly!

Spiritual Intimacy

By 4 Comments

Intimacy is a term that is used in our society to describe a sexual relationship. There is some truth with that idea, yet there is so much more involved in the term “Intimacy” that needs to be included in the definition. I would like to discuss one of the most important aspects of the term of intimacy.
As a Biblical counselor, I believe the most important aspect of intimacy in a marriage relationship is Spiritual Intimacy. As a couple, there needs to be a spiritual foundation to build the relationship on. I believe that a couple relate with one another in conjunction with how each relates with God. So lets look at this idea.
In order to build on this foundation, the first question that needs an answer is “Do you know Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior?” A relationship with God through Jesus Christ is paramount in building your spiritual intimacy. After you ask this question of yourself, you need to ask it of your mate. The Bible tells us in 2 Corinthians 6:14
14 Do not be [a]bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness? New American Standard Bible (NASB)
Once we answer these questions, we need to move on to the next step. How important is this relationship to you? Does your relationship with The Lord control your thought processes as well as your actions? Now I know that every one might be on a different level than others. I am not suggesting that everyone needs to be on the same page. I am suggesting that spouses need to be on the same page. If one person is more in tune with what the Bible says than the other one can create problems between the couple.
The final question is how do you worship together? Do you have a prayer time together? Do you attend church together? Do you serve in the church together? Yes, I understand that I am a Baptist preacher and I might sound like one as I write this. Yet, it is important to follow the guidelines that God has placed in scriptures for us. God instituted marriage at the very beginning of creation. He continues to show the importance of marriages throughout scripture. Once we understand that God wants our marriages to be fulfilling and satisfying, it is easier to follow His instructions.
God loves you and He loves marriage. His plans for your marriage are for your fulfillment as a person. God desires for your marriage to give Him glory. When a couple is following these guidelines together, their level of intimacy goes deeper than those who do not place a priority on their spirituality.

Communication Pt. 3

By Leave a Comment

The past couple of days I have been writing about communication within the marriage. Today, I want to continue with the thoughts on communication. I started with the need to just talk then I moved to the fact that men and women talk differently from each other. The next issue that I believe is very important for a couple to have a healthy and fulfilling marriage is the ability to be assertive. So many people have a difficult time expressing their own needs and wants that it truly becomes a problem in the marriage.

ImageI want to clarify something here at the very beginning. I am not talking about nagging or controlling. The Bible says in Proverbs that a nagging wife is like a dripping faucet and that it would be better to live in the corner of the roof than in the house with her. (Prov. 19:13; 21:9, 19; 27:15) The Bible tells the husbands to lead by loving and understanding. (I Pet. 3:7; Eph. 5:25) When a person is assertive, he/she is stating what he/she needs or wants. Within the marriage relationship this is very important while at the same time understanding and considering the needs and wants of the other person. (Phil. 2:3-4)

How can someone be assertive without being demanding or nagging? The easy answer of this question is to state what one wants or needs in a way that is easy to listen to and understand. Simply put, “I like it when…” “I need you to…more often.” “I feel…about what you said.” Statements such as these are called “I” statements and they help the listener to be able to hear what is being said without becoming defensive.

There are a couple of areas that being assertive truly helps. One of those areas is in conflict resolution. I will deal with that on another day, but for conflicts to be resolved both individuals have to be willing state their needs, feelings, and wants within the realm of the conflict.

Another area that being able to assert yourself that is very helpful is in the bedroom. Now this blog is about communication and not about sex, yet so much of sex is about communication. If you are not able to tell your spouse what you like, what you would like for him/her to do, what works for you and what doesn’t work for you, etc. then your love life will leave you frustrated or unfulfilled. If your spouse is doing something like nibbling your ear for instance and you do not like it. You start squirming to get away and he thinks you are encouraging him to do it more. There is bad communication going on.

I had a couple in my office one day that has been married for about 10 years. He rubbed her feet pretty much daily. She allowed him to do so all the while not liking it at all. She finally realized that she could tell him that she did not share his like and appreciation for the foot rubs. He was devastated because he thought for the past 10 years that he was doing something that she liked. For 10 years she was miserable allowing him to touch her feet when she despised every moment. This is just one example of poor communication and not being able to express oneself assertively.

Let me encourage you to practice asserting yourself by stating what you need or what you want. It will be a liberating experience for you.

Image

Celebrating My 50th Birthday

By Leave a Comment

ImageThis past weekend, I celebrated my 50th birthday. You know you never know exactly what to expect for such an occasion. My daughter, who along with her husband and son lives with me and my bride, kept asking me what I wanted for my big day. I kept putting her off by telling her that it should be her decision, not mine. All along I had in my mind things that I’ve seen at other 50th birthday parties such as black streamers, black balloons, or even black flowers as well as jokes about incontinence along with other things I won’t mention. My daughter spent the day baking a cake and cooking while my son-in-law cleaned the house and I sat watching the Ryder Cup and some of the football games I was interested in. I think my son-in-law cleaned because he hates golf and there was nothing really else to do on a rainy day. No matter what the reason behind his cleaning, it sure was nice having them do so much around the house while Lisa and I just sat around enjoying the sights and the smells.Image

Back to the day of my birthday celebration…I somewhat expected some sort of a surprise by having people invited over or my daughter insisting I leave for a while or something, but those things never happened. But the evening was not over. My son and his new bride came over for dinner and gave me along with Lisa a gift. (Lisa’s birthday is just a couple of weeks later than mine.) They also gave Danielle a gift and told us to open them at the same time. Now I am not being very observant, as I want to get along with opening my cards from every one else. Danielle is the one that is really reading the gift, which was a very nice picture book of Caleb and Lindsey’s life together. That is where the BIG surprise was. For the second year in a row, my birthday was celebrated by announcing a grandbaby on the way!!! This baby is due around Mother’s Day of 2013. Talk about mixed emotions. Here I was all geared up for the attention to be focused on me, which I have to admit that I can be childish when it comes to birthdays and special occasions. I really like to be the center of attention on those certain days. (Some might argue that is every day though.) The attention is not on my 50th birthday, but on the fact that my daughter-in-law is carrying my 2nd grandbaby. Then comes the fact that the young couple has only been married for two months and they just started trying to get things going together with work and so forth. They are still trying to find out exactly what God wants them to do. Let me tell you, I know exactly how my parents felt when we told them we were pregnant with Danielle. There was a wave of excitement long with a flood of questions. Today as I sit here writing, I am truly focusing on the excitement and not the questions.

My family is growing, not just numerically, but also spiritually as both of my children are striving to serve the Lord in their lives. Now they are serving the Lord by being parents. I have the responsibility to continue to live my life as an example to my children, their spouses, as well as their children so that our family represents a Godly family and is a beacon for all to witness God’s love and faithfulness as we live our lives for Him.

The first 50 years has been a challenge…the next how ever many years God gives me will be even more of a challenge as God continues to bless me with more responsibilities.

Deuteronomy 6:4-7 (NASB)
4 “Hear, O Israel! The LORD is our God, the LORD is one!
5 “You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.
6 “These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart.
7 “You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. 

Capturing Your Thoughts

By Leave a Comment

2 Corinthians 10:3-6 (NASB)
3 For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh,
4 for the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses.
5 We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ,
6 and we are ready to punish all disobedience, whenever your obedience is complete.

Have you ever considered how to take a thought captive?  For many of us, our thoughts seem to run rampant without any control what so ever.  I know that many people have told me that they just could not turn their thoughts off.  Once a person starts thinking about something or worrying about something, it appears to be impossible to stop the flood of negative thoughts.  There are times that flood of negative thoughts overtakes by mind and submerges everything I know to be true in Christ.  So as I write this, I am not saying that I have complete control of my thoughts or that I never sin in my thoughts.  What I want to present is the principle of taking our thoughts captive and honoring God with them.

Our soul is made up of our mind, will and emotions.  Those three aspects of a person are what God wants to develop into our character while Satan wants to tear us down at the same time.  All temptation fits in these three areas.  We might understand it better if we quote 1 John 2:16 (NASB)
16 For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life, is not from the Father, but is from the world.

You see Satan wants to use the world system to keep us from living in the Freedom that God offers us through Christ Jesus.

So if we understand this principle and the significance of how Satan tempts us through what we think, what we do, and how we feel, it is vitally important that we grasp the concept of capturing our thoughts toward the obedience of Christ.

How do we accomplish this feat?  We are bombarded with images, words, and ideas all day long.  Are we careful to make sure that we listen to music that is edifying and not negative or down right sinful?  I know that I do not listen to a lot of music while I’m in my car. (I listen to sports talk radio, mostly.)  But when I do listen to music, I listen to Christian music.  In my office, I have Christian music playing all day.  I find it to be refreshing and edifying for me as well as whomever comes in through out the day.

The second area that is very important is what do we watch on the television.  I am not trying to tell you that I do not watch TV, because that would be a lie.  I am not trying to tell you what shows to watch, because that would be presumptuous.  I am telling you that what you watch on TV can create images in your mind that keep you from living in freedom.  If you are watching shows that are violent or full of sexual innuendo or degrading to Christians, you might have a difficult time believing the truth of who God wants you to be.

Another area that I want to address today is the area of conversation.  How do you speak to people and how do they speak to you?   If people close to you are always putting you down, then you will have a very difficult time believing the truth of God’s Word.  It is important for us to realize how important our words are to others.  Proverbs 18:21 (NASB)
21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit.  Our family hears what we say, and it can create deep wounds in their soul as well as in their spirit if we are not careful.  We need to be diligent in being encouragers for the people around us daily.

Finally, we truly need to concentrate on scripture.  Many of the verses that I have memorized, I memorized as a young boy in Sunday School, Discipleship Training, or Vacation Bible School.  I believe we need to continue to work on learning new scriptures and allowing those scriptures to transform for hearts along with our minds, which can change our actions.

When you think about it, capturing our thoughts include preparing ourselves to live a Godly life as well as practicing daily.  If we don’t practice, we will not be very good at it and then we will not be able to live victoriously.

Honoring Your Parents

By Leave a Comment

Recently several people have spoken with me concerning their aging parents and how to “honor” them even though the parents have abused them in the past or continue to do so now.  The abuse may or may not be physical, but it may also include emotional as well as verbal abuse. The relationship may be one that is characterized as being manipulative.  All of these situations are very difficult to deal with as an adult child of an aging parent. I thank God that I do not have to deal with these negative emotions or relationships with my parents or my in-laws. I am learning about the aspect of how to relate with my parents as they age and their needs are changing.  At the present time, my parents and my in-laws are relatively healthy and independent. I pray that they continue to be such for several more years. But, I digress from the purpose of my writing today.

(Again, let me state that I have not experienced the emotions of being abused by my parents in any way. So, please do not think I am trying to tell you how to feel.)

As I have been thinking about this particular subject, several things have come to my mind. The primary thought that I have had is one of unconditional obedience to God. God gives us several directives in scripture dealing with different types of relationships. Each one does not come with a condition that would allow us not to obey it. One such directive is to forgive others so the Father in Heaven can forgive us.(Matt. 6:14-15) God does not tell us to forgive if they ask for forgiveness, but to forgive. He doesn’t tell us to forgive if they are repentant, but just forgive.

The second that comes to my mind is Wives submit and respect your husband, while husbands are commanded to love and understand your wife. (Eph. 5:21-33; I Pet. 3:1-7) No where in these passages does it mention if your spouse is being lovable or respectable or even if you are getting along together. It is a command without conditions that requires unconditional obedience to God. There are several other commands from God such as love your neighbor among others.

Now thinking about your parents, whether they were good parents or not, we need to consider the command that God gave us in the Ten Commandments and that Paul repeated in a couple of his letters to churches.

The command reads, “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.” (Exodus 20:12 ESV)

Now Paul tells children to obey their parents as another form of this commandment in Ephesians 6 and Colossians 3. As adult children, we are not considered children and therefore the command to obey our parents does not apply to us after we move out of our parents’ house. So we need to realize that God does not expect us to obey our parents, when we have our own family.

There is a difference between honoring and obeying. The Greek word for obey is hupakouo which means to listen and follow the rules and guidelines. The Greek word for honor is timao which means to value or to prefer.

Now let me share some of my thoughts concerning how we can honor our parents even in times when they are not honorable.

  1. We live our lives in a way that brings honor to our parents. In other words, we live according to what we believe God wants for us. When we are obedient to God, we will bring honor to our parents. Sometimes our parents won’t see that, but the fact remains the same: When we live for God, we bring honor to our parents.
  2. We make sure the needs of our parents are met. This statement does not mean that we have to meet our parents’ needs. We need to make sure the needs are met. Many of us do not live in the same town as our parents and cannot be around them all the time. Therefore we need to pay attention to what is being said by our parents and how they are getting along.
  3. We keep lines of communication open with our parents. This step might be very difficult when our parents are verbally abusive or manipulative, but we need to work on making sure communication is there. Let me say here that proper boundaries need to be in place so that you do not put yourself in a position to abused or manipulated. You need to communicate the boundaries that you intend to put into place, so that you give your parents an opportunity to follow them. You need to share with them the consequences of crossing the boundaries as well.
  4. Finally, which probably should have been written first on the list, we need to pray for our parents and the relationship with them. When we pray for someone, we begin to see that person as God sees him/her. If we are praying for our parents, God will give us insight on how to honor them.

Let me reiterate, I do not have an issue with either my parents or my in-laws when it comes honoring them. God has blessed me with parents in my life that live for Him and have taught me the same. My wife’s parents are the same, with very similar values. This writing comes from watching many people struggle in this area as well as learning from what God is teaching me as I help others. I pray that this might help you.

I invite your comments and if you have questions, please ask.

Purpose Statement

I provide Biblical Counseling for:
  • People who are hurting in their marriages and families.
  • People who are hurting emotionally and spiritually.
  • People who are seeking freedom from the bondage in their lives.

Brad’s Latest Tweets

Location & Phone Number

5411 PLAZA DR STE G
TEXARKANA, TX 75503
PHONE: (903) 244-5150


View Larger Map