This post is the fourth and final discussion on communication for the marathon that I am participating in with the Christian Marriage Bloggers Association. I believe that communication poses as the number one problem in marriages today. (Maybe the lack of communication) The one area of communication that is so blatantly wrong in our relationships is the way we resolve conflict. Do any of these statements sound familiar?
• You never …
• You always …
• You are the stupidest …
• I’m going to _______________ and you have nothing to say about it.
• I hate you.
• I want a divorce.
I am sure that either you have said some of these or at least heard some of these. I know people’s arguments and fights get so much worse than these phrases, but these phrases are all examples of very bad communication.
Let’s think for a few minutes about conflict. Most conflict is based on your expectations not being met or something someone has done that you feel wronged by. During these times of conflict, we act like our mate is the enemy and we have to attack the enemy. When we attack, we have to win and that means at all costs. I know you can understand where this is going. It ends up with a lot of hurt feelings and most of the time a lot of collateral damage. One person usually just gives up and withdraws from the fight while the other person just continues to berate them.
How do we get away from just trying to destroy our mate when we have disagreements? How can we feel that our relationship has won when the conflict is resolved?
There are so many things that I could talk about today concerning conflict resolution. But I want to just focus on a couple of those issues.
1. Does your mate know that you love them? The way we talk to each other, even in the middle of an argument, is so important in the love relationship. If we are calling names or insulting, love is not present. If we are being rude, demanding, or controlling, love is not present. I tell couples in my counseling that the worst name you should call your spouse is their first name. You should never call your spouse ugly names or insulting names or use profanity as you talk to them, even when you are angry. The names you call your spouse truly speaks volumes about how you truly feel about them.
2. Is your motivation unity? In another words, are you trying to strengthen your relationship with you mate? So many times when a person gets into a conflict with someone, he/she is trying to prove a point or to get a need met that they think is not met. The motivation at that point is very selfish. I have heard several preachers state that all sin is from selfishness. I am not going to argue for or against that point, but I am stating that selfishness is at the root of many conflicts in marriage. The Bible tells us in Phil. 2:3-4 that “we are not supposed to do anything out of selfish ambition or with vain conceit, but we are to treat others as more important than ourselves.” I realize that these verses are speaking to the church about how we are supposed to treat each other, but I believe the principle applies to the home as well. When we decide to act in such a manner, our relationships will improve to the point of being totally fulfilling and satisfying.
3. Can I discuss this issue without getting angry? I think that many couples approach conflict with an attitude of attack. When this is true, chances are that one or both of the parties is angry. Anger can become very controlling and damaging. What would happen the next time a conflict came up that you took a moment to gather your thoughts and present your thoughts of the situation in a loving manner? Do you think that your mate would respond in the same way? I believe he/she would.
As I stated earlier, I could discuss so much more about conflict resolution. (Maybe another time) These three questions, I believe, can help anyone begin to move in the direction of resolving their conflicts instead of trying to win a fight. A good passage of scripture for a couple to study about resolving conflicts would be Eph. 4:25-32. If we followed these verses in our marriage, there would be a great deal more harmony and a whole lot less divorce in the church.
Communication Pt. 3
The past couple of days I have been writing about communication within the marriage. Today, I want to continue with the thoughts on communication. I started with the need to just talk then I moved to the fact that men and women talk differently from each other. The next issue that I believe is very important for a couple to have a healthy and fulfilling marriage is the ability to be assertive. So many people have a difficult time expressing their own needs and wants that it truly becomes a problem in the marriage.
I want to clarify something here at the very beginning. I am not talking about nagging or controlling. The Bible says in Proverbs that a nagging wife is like a dripping faucet and that it would be better to live in the corner of the roof than in the house with her. (Prov. 19:13; 21:9, 19; 27:15) The Bible tells the husbands to lead by loving and understanding. (I Pet. 3:7; Eph. 5:25) When a person is assertive, he/she is stating what he/she needs or wants. Within the marriage relationship this is very important while at the same time understanding and considering the needs and wants of the other person. (Phil. 2:3-4)
How can someone be assertive without being demanding or nagging? The easy answer of this question is to state what one wants or needs in a way that is easy to listen to and understand. Simply put, “I like it when…” “I need you to…more often.” “I feel…about what you said.” Statements such as these are called “I” statements and they help the listener to be able to hear what is being said without becoming defensive.
There are a couple of areas that being assertive truly helps. One of those areas is in conflict resolution. I will deal with that on another day, but for conflicts to be resolved both individuals have to be willing state their needs, feelings, and wants within the realm of the conflict.
Another area that being able to assert yourself that is very helpful is in the bedroom. Now this blog is about communication and not about sex, yet so much of sex is about communication. If you are not able to tell your spouse what you like, what you would like for him/her to do, what works for you and what doesn’t work for you, etc. then your love life will leave you frustrated or unfulfilled. If your spouse is doing something like nibbling your ear for instance and you do not like it. You start squirming to get away and he thinks you are encouraging him to do it more. There is bad communication going on.
I had a couple in my office one day that has been married for about 10 years. He rubbed her feet pretty much daily. She allowed him to do so all the while not liking it at all. She finally realized that she could tell him that she did not share his like and appreciation for the foot rubs. He was devastated because he thought for the past 10 years that he was doing something that she liked. For 10 years she was miserable allowing him to touch her feet when she despised every moment. This is just one example of poor communication and not being able to express oneself assertively.
Let me encourage you to practice asserting yourself by stating what you need or what you want. It will be a liberating experience for you.
Communication Pt. 1
I wonder how many times I have been told in my counseling sessions, “I just do not understand my spouse.” Or maybe when I ask the question “What is your number one issue in your marriage?” The answer is “Communication.” Now I might think that is ironic in our day and age. We have the ability to communicate with people through phone, text messaging, e-mails, Skype or Face-Talk, or many other avenues including Voxing…not to mention Facebook or Twitter. (I just named a few, so if you use others don’t think I’m leaving something out on purpose.) Yet in our world of instant communication and instant information, couples struggle truly connecting with each other because they do not know how to communicate.
Personally I believe that texting is one of the worst things that has happened to communication. You have 160 characters, unless you use an iPhone, to communicate your message. There is no voice inflections, no facial features to be seen, and unless you text back and forth, no real room for questions and explanations. Yet it seems that a great deal of communication between couples is through texting.
Now today is not about the negatives of using modern technology as I communicate a great deal with each of the before mentioned avenues. But it is about making sure that there is more to your communication than just technology. Over the next couple of days I will be addressing some major communication issues that we face in our marriages as well as other relationships.
Let’s just start with some basic information. In order to truly communicate with each other, you must TALK. Now that might sound silly, but you would be surprised at how little individuals talk to each other. I have not actually done any research in this field, but every day as I counsel with couples it seems that their work schedules along with their children’s schedules, they have very little time to talk to each other. I know many couples that take separate vehicles to the same place most of the time. In the car can be a time that a couple can talk. Also during the evening hours, couples watch TV or do chores around the house. I know that I am guilty of being on my iPad or iPhone in the evenings when I could be talking to my wife. (Lisa, please forgive me.) Something that seems to be insignificant at times is just talking, but it is very important.
The second issue that I want to address is eye contact. I used to watch Leave it to Beaver all the time. One of the things that I remember was that June would be washing dishes and Ward would be reading the paper all the while they would be talking to each other. If something was said that truly caught Ward’s attention, he would look over the edge of the paper to make sure he understood what was said. That is not good communication. In order for good communication to take place, you must be looking at each other. So much is “said” with the eyes that it is important to be able to see the eyes of both the speaker and the listener. Make sure the TV, paper, chores, or technology is not distracting you so that your communication skills can improve.
How much are you and your spouse communicating each day? Is that communication uninterrupted? The challenge for each of us is to make sure we carve out time to talk to our spouse on a daily basis. It does not have to be serious communication, but it needs to be daily and uninterrupted. More tomorrow on how to better communicate with your spouse.
Proverbs 16:24 (NASB)
24 Pleasant words are a honeycomb, Sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.