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5 Steps to Emotional Intimacy

September 11, 2014 By bwatson Leave a Comment

IntimacyMany times as a marriage counselor, I have heard the phrase “he just doesn’t care about me.”  Of course there have been many different variations of that phrase, but each time the same thing is meant…“We are not connected emotionally.”  Emotional intimacy is one area of intimacy that is the hardest to achieve.  There are a couple of reasons for this difficulty. 

  • Most men are afraid of emotions.  As young boys, we were taught that big boys don’t cry.  We have been led to believe that we are not supposed to show emotion at any time.  Therefore, we do not know how to handle the different aspects of our emotional lives.
  • Men and women think differently.  Most of the time, men think logically or at least with the analytical side of their brains.  Women, for the most part, think emotionally.  Women actually have the ability to function with both sides of their brains at the same time.  Men do not have that ability.
  • Women can have a tendency to rely on their emotions, while men tend to ignore their emotions.

As you can see, connecting emotionally can be very difficult.  God did not wire us the same way, but at the same time, He did intend for us to “be one together.”

Empathy is the word that keeps coming to my mind as I think about Emotional Intimacy.  dictionary.com identifies empathy as “the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.”  In other words, empathy means “I know what you are feeling and I am feeling that with you.”  This meaning is different than the word sympathy.  Sympathy means “I’m feeling for you.”  You can sympathize with someone without feeling empathy.  Your sympathy does not always lead to an emotional connection nor does it enhance a relationship.  Empathy will do both.  How can we find this emotional connection?  How can we develop emotional intimacy?

  1. Create a safe environment for your spouse to share emotions.  If you get mad at your spouse when he/she is upset, then you are not safe to be emotional around.  If youHearing for Understandingr spouse shares something that is bothering him/her, you cannot become defensive.  When you show defensiveness, you are telling your mate that you do not care about their feelings.  Wives need emotional security.  They need to know that they are loved in spite of their feelings or emotions on that particular day.
  2. Learn to listen between the lines.  Listen for the tone of voice and watch the body language of your mate.  Much of our emotions can be seen in those two areas of communication.    Our words do not make up the majority of our speech, that is why it is imperative that we learn to listen for more than just the words.
  3. Listen for understanding…not just to answer back.  We, both men and women, can be guilty of listening just enough to know what we want to say next.  When we are doing this, we are not truly listening.  We can not understand our mate without listening with our whole self.
  4. Learn to care about what your mate cares about.  This point is trying at times.  We are opposites many times.  We like different things.  We want to do different things.  We know about different things.  If we want to be emotionally connected, we have to learn about the issues that are important to our spouse.  Ask questions about whatever is important…”why is this important to you?”  “Can you explain this subject so that I might be able to understand?”  “Can you teach me?”  Do not do this sarcastically, but rather be genuine.
  5. Learn to express yourself around your mate.  No one can read the other person’s mind.  I know that the longer we are together, it seems that my wife can read my mind.  She actually answers some of my questions before I can finish asking them.  But I know that she cannot read my mind.  I have to learn to be open and honest about what I am thinking or feeling.  The same is true going the other way as well.  She has to be open with me about her feelings. 

These five steps seem to be simple enough, right?  They take a lot of time and effort on your part to truly connect with your marriage partner.  Start working on these steps.  Ask where you have fallen short.  Listen for an honest answer, without any defense.  You will begin to connect in ways that can and will transform your marriage.Listening

How do you try to connect emotionally with your spouse?

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Bradley D. Watson, BCBT
Directed Path Ministries

After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry.  The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word to shine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.

Providing Hope in Troubled Times

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HOW CAN I MAKE MY SPOUSE LOVE ME AGAIN? Pt. 4

August 15, 2014 By bwatson Leave a Comment

 

Fall In LoveToday as I begin to write more about men making changes in their lives to create an environment that is safe for their wives to love them again, I can’t help but think about several things that we as men do inappropriately which lead to our wives not loving us.  God created women to respond to the men in their lives.  If the husband is not loving, most of the time the woman will respond in the same manner.  Therefore I would like to share a few items that men can change in order to be more loving.

  1.  Don’t be a know it all.  Even if the husband is the leader of the relationship, that doesn’t mean that he has to have all the answers.  I have shared before that my wife is a very smart woman and makes very good decisions.  There are many times that I will ask her opinion about situations.  Because I trust her, I do not feel that I have to know everything.  I have to be willing to listen to her and also talk to her about my thoughts concerning the matter.  Neither one of us know everything, but together, we can figure most things out.
  2. Don’t try to fix all of her problems.  Women want to be loved, and included in being loved is being cared for.  Before the husband tries to “fix” a problem for his wife, he must be willing to listen to why it is a problem and how his wife feels about the problem.  If you have children and your wife is the one that does most of the caring for them, then she is a problem solver.  Rearing children can be a very taxing job, which requires a lot of managerial skills as well as problem solving skills.  When your wife shares with you that she has a problem, most of the time she is asking you if you care about her and her problem.Gardening Couple
  3. Don’t exclude her from your hobbies.  I realize that not all women like car racing, football, golf, hunting or fishing. (Just to name a few)  You might be surprised if you invited your wife to join you in your adventures and hobbies.  You are wanting her to fall in love with you again and that will be difficult if you are not around her.  If she just refuses to participate in your hobbies, find out what she likes to do.  This summer my wife and I started a new hobby together.  It has been very rewarding and we have truly enjoyed the time spent together.  Recreating together does wonders for your relationship.
  4. Don’t only show affection when you want to have sex.  Women love non-sexual touch.  They desire light touches, caresses, massages, and the like.  They love to hug.  Have you ever noticed when women meet for the first time?  Many of them greet each other with a hug.  Now men don’t do that.  We shake hands.  If we are close to another man, we might hug him…but don’t count on it.  Women, primarily, are huggers.  As husbands, we need to learn how to hug our wives in such a way that they don’t suspect that we are just asking for more.  The more we learn to touch non-sexually, the more they will feel “safe” with us and be willing to be more sexual.
  5. Don’t use porn!!  This step should be a no-brainer, but the use of pornography in marriages is growing all the time.  When a man uses porn, his wife feels degraded as well as inadequate.  She knows that she can’t “compete” with that industry, nor does she want to.  If you want an environment that is safe for your wife to “fall in love with you again,” you must stop all use of pornography.  It is never helpful to your marriage.

I am aware that I could continue to write many more “Don’ts” that husbands can be guilty of, but I do not want to overload anyone.  This list will not guarantee that your wife will respond by loving you again, but it does help create the environment for her to do so.  If your relationship is struggling and your wife has told you that she doesn’t love you any more, check to see if you are guilty of any of these things.  Also, refer back to Pt. 3 of this series and start there.

I would love to hear from you on this subject.  What would you add to the don’t list?  Leave any additions in the comment section below.

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Bradley D. Watson, BCBT
Directed Path Ministries

After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry.  The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word to shine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.

Helping Others Using God’s Principles

 

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HOW CAN I GET MY SPOUSE TO LOVE ME AGAIN? Pt. 3

August 14, 2014 By bwatson Leave a Comment

Fall In LoveTo continue my series of blogs on “How Can I Get My Spouse To Love Me Again,” I want to turn the attention to the men who need to reconnect with their wives.  As I have talked to different couples, many women have told me that they “are not in love with their husbands.”  This statement devastates most of the men that hear this for the first time.  It has happened that the wife waited to get into my office to tell her husband her feelings.  Those appointments have been extremely difficult to work through.  Most of them end with the man asking “How can I get my wife to love me again?”  Here are some suggestions that have helped many men to win their wives back.

1.  Love Your Wife Sacrificially.  Ephesians 5:25 (NASB95)

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,

The word for love in this verse is the same word that is used in John 3:16.  God loves us so much that He gave His Son for us to have eternal life.  Christ loved the church so much that He died on the cross so that we could have eternal life.  Understand that the sacrifice that was made cannot be repaid.  It was made without the thought of being paid back.  As husbands, we too must be sacrificial in our love for our wives.  We should not be guilty of only doing things so that things can be done for us.  We need to show our wives that we are unselfish when it comes to loving them.  This type of love can be difficult to obtain.  We live in a performance-based society and people are judged by how they look or what they do.  The people around us continually show their acceptance with this mentality, and if we are not careful we can get caught up with the same ideas.  As husbands, we must lose that mentality and love our wives unconditionally and sacrificially.

2.  Lead Your Wife Well.  God chose the husband to be “the head” of the relationship. (I Cor. 11:3)  As leaders, we must take that role seriously.  This thought does not give us permission to be bullies or dictators.  What it means is that we must be the ones that can be counted on.  We must make ultimate decisions for the marriage and take responsibility for those decisions.  This does not mean that we tell our wives what to do.  Nor does it mean that our wives do not have a voice in what takes place in the marriage.  God holds the husband responsible as the leader in the marriage.  When we have weaknesses, we must be willing to ask for help and make the corrections that need to be made.  When our wives are better or smarter in areas of the relationship, we are to delegate to them.  But we are still the leaders.  Sanctus Real sings a song entitled, Lead Me, which explains this thought.  

Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can’t
Don’t leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

You can listen to the song at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yLr6G8Xy5uc.

Listen to your Wife3.  Listen To Your Wife’s Needs, Fears, Desires, and Dreams.  We men are not always good listeners.  I have heard many men say that they have selective hearing, especially when it comes to their wives talking to them.  Your wife needs to know that you care about her.  Yes, she probably knows that you care about her to an extent.  But does she really know that you love her?  You are wanting to motivate her to “fall in love with you again.”  Pay attention to what she is saying to you.  Care about what she cares about.  On a marriage seminar tape that I once watched, the leader of the seminar told of the story when he turned down a big golf outing with his friends to take his wife to a art museum.  His friend said “I didn’t know you were into art.”  The leader replied, “I’m not.  I’m into my wife and she’s into art.”  Men, I am not trying to get you to lose your masculinity.  God created us to be masculine.  Don’t ever lose that.  But take the time to listen to your wife.  Ask her questions about what she means and why she feels the way she does.  When you do that, your wife will feel like you truly care about her.

These steps will help you create an environment of love in your home.  If you are genuine in these steps, your wife should respond to you in love and respect.  The next blog will continue explaining how you as a man can create the environment in which your wife will feel loved.

I would love for you to join the discussion.  Please leave your comment in the section below.

GravatarBradley D. Watson, BCBT
Directed Path Ministries

After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry.  The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word to shine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.

Helping Others Using God’s Principles

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Hearing the Voice of God

October 23, 2013 By bwatson Leave a Comment

Hearing-the-voice-of-God-700x400I was asked a few days ago by a couple of different people ” how to hear the voice of God.”  The Bible says in Hebrews 3:7 (NLT) 

7 That is why the Holy Spirit says, “Today when you hear his voice,…”

Hearing God’s voice seems to come natural for some people, while others truly struggle with that concept. Dr. Henry Blackaby in  his study, Experiencing God,  wrote that God spoke in five different ways:

  1. Through the Holy Spirit to reveal Himself, His purposes, and HIs ways.
  2. Through the Bible.
  3. Through Prayer.
  4. Through circumstances.
  5. Through the church and other believers.

This list might not be comprehensive, but it seems to be very accurate.  I have heard God’s voice in each one of these ways on different occasions.  Sometimes God uses a combinations of each of these.

Why do people not hear God’s voice?  The conclusion of the verse quoted above says  Hebrews 3:8 (NLT) 

8 don’t harden your hearts as Israel did when they rebelled, when they tested me in the wilderness.

I think the first reason that we do not hear God’s voice is that we have hardened our hearts toward God.  We would rather rebel against God’s Word than be obedient to God’s Word.  It seems to be easier to do things our own way than to look to God to find His way.

A second reason is that our lives are cluttered with a lot of “noise.”  What do I mean by noise?  I mean the cares of this world along with the hustle and bustle of life.  We get consumed with what is going on at work, at home, or in our social circles that we cannot hear the still small voice of God.  When Elijah needed to hear from God, God showed him several major events but He was not in any of them.  Then the Bible says that Elijah “heard a gentle whisper” which the word means total silence.  We have to be quiet before the Lord to hear Him.  That is very difficult for us to do in 2013 as we have so many things that occupy our thoughts and our lives.

Do you want to hear God’s voice?  In order to do so, we must be willing to be obedient to God’s Word.  In order to be obedient to God’s Word, wemust spend time reading it.  Secondly, we must be willing to be quiet and get rid of the noise around us.  Are we willing to turn off the social media, TV, radio, along with any other distractions that prevent us from hearing?  When we get serious about hearing from God, He will speak to us.

 

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Communication Pt. 1

October 2, 2012 By bwatson 4 Comments

ImageI wonder how many times I have been told in my counseling sessions, “I just do not understand my spouse.” Or maybe when I ask the question “What is your number one issue in your marriage?” The answer is “Communication.” Now I might think that is ironic in our day and age. We have the ability to communicate with people through phone, text messaging, e-mails, Skype or Face-Talk, or many other avenues including Voxing…not to mention Facebook or Twitter. (I just named a few, so if you use others don’t think I’m leaving something out on purpose.) Yet in our world of instant communication and instant information, couples struggle truly connecting with each other because they do not know how to communicate.

Personally I believe that texting is one of the worst things that has happened to communication. You have 160 characters, unless you use an iPhone, to communicate your message. There is no voice inflections, no facial features to be seen, and unless you text back and forth, no real room for questions and explanations. Yet it seems that a great deal of communication between couples is through texting.Image

Now today is not about the negatives of using modern technology as I communicate a great deal with each of the before mentioned avenues. But it is about making sure that there is more to your communication than just technology. Over the next couple of days I will be addressing some major communication issues that we face in our marriages as well as other relationships.

Let’s just start with some basic information. In order to truly communicate with each other, you must TALK. Now that might sound silly, but you would be surprised at how little individuals talk to each other. I have not actually done any research in this field, but every day as I counsel with couples it seems that their work schedules along with their children’s schedules, they have very little time to talk to each other. I know many couples that take separate vehicles to the same place most of the time. In the car can be a time that a couple can talk. Also during the evening hours, couples watch TV or do chores around the house. I know that I am guilty of being on my iPad or iPhone in the evenings when I could be talking to my wife. (Lisa, please forgive me.) Something that seems to be insignificant at times is just talking, but it is very important.

The second issue that I want to address is eye contact. I used to watch Leave it to Beaver all the time. One of the things that I remember was that June would be washing dishes and Ward would be reading the paper all the while they would be talking to each other. If something was said that truly caught Ward’s attention, he would look over the edge of the paper to make sure he understood what was said. That is not good communication. In order for good communication to take place, you must be looking at each other. So much is “said” with the eyes that it is important to be able to see the eyes of both the speaker and the listener. Make sure the TV, paper, chores, or technology is not distracting you so that your communication skills can improve.

How much are you and your spouse communicating each day? Is that communication uninterrupted? The challenge for each of us is to make sure we carve out time to talk to our spouse on a daily basis. It does not have to be serious communication, but it needs to be daily and uninterrupted. More tomorrow on how to better communicate with your spouse.

Proverbs 16:24 (NASB) 

24 Pleasant words are a honeycomb, Sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.

 

 

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