Communication Pt. 4

This post is the fourth and final discussion on communication for the marathon that I am participating in with the Christian Marriage Bloggers Association. I believe that communication poses as the number one problem in marriages today. (Maybe the lack of communication) The one area of communication that is so blatantly wrong in our relationships is the way we resolve conflict. Do any of these statements sound familiar?
• You never …
• You always …
• You are the stupidest …
• I’m going to _______________ and you have nothing to say about it.
• I hate you.
• I want a divorce.
I am sure that either you have said some of these or at least heard some of these. I know people’s arguments and fights get so much worse than these phrases, but these phrases are all examples of very bad communication.
Let’s think for a few minutes about conflict. Most conflict is based on your expectations not being met or something someone has done that you feel wronged by. During these times of conflict, we act like our mate is the enemy and we have to attack the enemy. When we attack, we have to win and that means at all costs. I know you can understand where this is going. It ends up with a lot of hurt feelings and most of the time a lot of collateral damage. One person usually just gives up and withdraws from the fight while the other person just continues to berate them.
How do we get away from just trying to destroy our mate when we have disagreements? How can we feel that our relationship has won when the conflict is resolved?
There are so many things that I could talk about today concerning conflict resolution. But I want to just focus on a couple of those issues.
1. Does your mate know that you love them? The way we talk to each other, even in the middle of an argument, is so important in the love relationship. If we are calling names or insulting, love is not present. If we are being rude, demanding, or controlling, love is not present. I tell couples in my counseling that the worst name you should call your spouse is their first name. You should never call your spouse ugly names or insulting names or use profanity as you talk to them, even when you are angry. The names you call your spouse truly speaks volumes about how you truly feel about them.
2. Is your motivation unity? In another words, are you trying to strengthen your relationship with you mate? So many times when a person gets into a conflict with someone, he/she is trying to prove a point or to get a need met that they think is not met. The motivation at that point is very selfish. I have heard several preachers state that all sin is from selfishness. I am not going to argue for or against that point, but I am stating that selfishness is at the root of many conflicts in marriage. The Bible tells us in Phil. 2:3-4 that “we are not supposed to do anything out of selfish ambition or with vain conceit, but we are to treat others as more important than ourselves.” I realize that these verses are speaking to the church about how we are supposed to treat each other, but I believe the principle applies to the home as well. When we decide to act in such a manner, our relationships will improve to the point of being totally fulfilling and satisfying.
3. Can I discuss this issue without getting angry? I think that many couples approach conflict with an attitude of attack. When this is true, chances are that one or both of the parties is angry. Anger can become very controlling and damaging. What would happen the next time a conflict came up that you took a moment to gather your thoughts and present your thoughts of the situation in a loving manner? Do you think that your mate would respond in the same way? I believe he/she would.
As I stated earlier, I could discuss so much more about conflict resolution. (Maybe another time) These three questions, I believe, can help anyone begin to move in the direction of resolving their conflicts instead of trying to win a fight. A good passage of scripture for a couple to study about resolving conflicts would be Eph. 4:25-32. If we followed these verses in our marriage, there would be a great deal more harmony and a whole lot less divorce in the church.