4 Questions to Develop Safeguards for Your Marriage

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When the article came out that Vice-President Pence would only eat meals alone with his wife, there has been a firestorm of responses to how unrealistic and even archaic this practice is (Billy Graham had even more strict safeguards in place). Some people have expressed that because of their jobs it was impossible to get away from being alone with someone of the opposite sex for a meal at times. Some people have expressed that they have close friends that are people of the opposite sex that they enjoy a meal with from time to time. Others stated that the “rule” would not stop someone from having an affair with the avenues of communication that social media provides. A simple meal would not be the problem.

I read so many other responses that agreed with the practice. These people felt that VP Pence was honoring his wife along with his marriage and was setting a good example. Some expressed a desire to continue the same practice in their marriages – Not because there is not trust between the spouses, but rather to continue to build their marriage.

Questions for Safeguards

  1. What is your view of marriage? Are you two individuals with two separate lives living in the same house that connect in just certain areas? Are you two working on becoming one, honoring each other and glorifying God while reflecting His love to everyone around you? Are you somewhere in between?
  2. Do your closest friends have the same view of marriage that you do? When you talk about marriage, is there a similar value system present? Do you feel supported in your stance? Do you feel that you are always trying to defend yourself?
  3. Do your closest friends value YOUR marriage? Brad, didn’t you just ask that question in #2? NO because some people might sound like they support marriage but at the same time might be trying to sabotage your marriage.
  4. When you are with someone of the opposite sex, is your conversation honoring to your spouse? Would you mind if your spouse heard the conversation? Are you building your spouse up? Are you talking about how much you love your spouse and you are committed to marriage? Have you ever complained about your marriage?

Obviously these questions are not exhaustive but they are a good place to start when setting safeguards in your life to protect your marriage. Marriage is designed by God to glorify Him by showing unconditional love, forgiveness, and mercy between two people that creates a family built on a covenant that reflects His unconditional love that leads to our covenantal relationship with Him through Jesus Christ. Marriage is to make us holy in all that we do. I believe that these safeguards can help lead us toward that.

What questions would you ask to develop safeguards for your marriage?

3 Ways to Show Respect to Your Husband

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How many people remember Rodney Dangerfield? His famous line was “I don’t get no respect.” Many men feel just as Mr. Dangerfield said that he did. I have heard that in my office on many occasions. Even recently as a wife was telling me how she was all alone and that she had to face parenting, working, and other issues in her life by herself, her husband just asked the question “Where am I in this equation? Am I even in the top ten things you think about?” What I heard him say, “I don’t feel respected by you at all.”

Respect is the need of a man in a relationship. Men get respect in what they accomplish and then in their relationships. Many men do not accomplish what they think they should have in their jobs and feel like they are stuck in life, so what do they do? They look for adventure. Most of the time in the wrong places.

Wives, you play an important part in the life of your husband. God tells you to respect you husband. Not everyone deserves the respect which I address in 5 Ways to Earn Respect in Your Marriage. In our relationship, we are to treat our spouse as unto Christ (Eph. 5:21). We love or respect because of what God tells us to do, not necessarily because the other person deserves it.

So how can you show respect to your husband?

  1. Verbally: Your words are conveyors of how you truly feel; therefore, when you speak you are sharing what is on the inside of you.
    • Directly to your husband. Nagging and complaining to your husband about his deficiencies and his mistakes inform him that you do not respect him. After a while of only hearing negative words from his wife, the man will eventually find someone that will say something positive about him.
    • To your friends: I asked a lady in a church that I served several years ago why she didn’t attend any of the Women’s Ministry events. She told me that she was not going anywhere that the women bashed their husbands. It was not a positive influence on her marriage. Talking about your husband negatively in public will disrespect him because what is said about him usually gets back to him.
    • Let me encourage you to think of things that you can respect your husband for. Does he go to work faithfully? Is he home when he says he will be? Does he take care of the children? Let him know how you respect him. He probably knows why you don’t respect him.
  2. Actually: What can you can do to show respect to your husband? The Bible informs couples that the husband is the head of the wife. He is to be the leader in the home. Many men are not good spiritual leaders, yet that is still their role. If a wife usurps that leadership, the husband feels disrespected.
  3. Sexually: The sexual relationship between a husband and wife is one of the greatest areas a man feels the most respected. He desires to know that he is “enough” for his wife and that she is satisfied with him.
    • Respond to his advances. I don’t believe that the wife has to say “yes” every time her husband wants to have sex. There are many factors involved in that, but she needs to respond positively to him. She doesn’t need to just say yes out of obligation but rather because she wants to. Be an active participant with your husband, not a passive one. He feels more respected the more you participate.
    • Make Advances. This statement immediately creates questions for many women. Their sex drive is not as strong as their husbands. They might want sex, but are uncomfortable asking or initiating. It is their nature to respond but not initiate. This initiation is not to be all the time, but there are times that your husband needs to feel respected and you initiating sex would help build his respect levels.

The Importance of Respect to Your Husband

Your husband’s number one need in his life is to feel respected. The command that a wife is given by God is to respect her husband. These three areas of life will help you give your husband the respect that he needs.

How are you doing at respecting your husband? What are some ways that you show your husband respect that will add to this? I would love to read your responses.

5 Ways to Earn Respect in Your Marriage

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“I can’t get my husband to do anything around the house!”

“All my husband does is sit around watching TV while I work in the kitchen or try to help the kids with their homework.”

“I work, too, you know. Why don’t you ever help me with the work that has to be done in the house?”

“My husband leaves all of his clothes lying around the house and never puts them in the laundry basket.”

Do any of these statements sound familiar? I have heard these and many more in my office. Most of the time, the husband wants the wife to quit nagging about his behavior. He often will state that he doesn’t need a momma telling him what to do. This argument has been going on for decades since WWII when women really started working outside of the home in the factories.

Now this is not a blog on whether the wife should work outside of the home or not. That totally depends on the needs of the family.

I am addressing the issue of the man living a respectable life. You see, the woman is told in the Bible to “respect” her husband. (Eph. 5:33) When I bring that up, I hear often that he doesn’t do anything for me to respect him.

Men, is that true? Are you respectable? Too many times that statement is true. We think that since we work outside of the home and do most of the yard work, we shouldn’t have to do anything inside the house. We want our wives to pick up after us and watch “those” kids. We are tired from our day and need a break.

Even typing this is difficult. The selfishness. The Narcissism. The Male Chauvinism. All the negative characteristics that can be seen in men are riddled through that paragraph.

How can we act as men in order to be respected by our wives?

  1. Be engaged in the family. Every day when you get home, pay attention to what is going on with each person. Ask your wife how you can help her. One author called the time when everyone gets home for the evening The Pit Hour. Don’t be selfish and get engaged.
  2. Listen to your wife. Too many times, we listen for what we want to hear. Or we might listen so that we can “solve” the problem. I don’t know about you, but my wife solves problems often in her job. She is a teacher in a high school where she teaches students Physics. (I do not want her job at all!) Our wives want to be heard. If they want our solution, they will ask for it. Until then, LISTEN.
  3. Do what you say you are going to do. If you tell your wife that you are going to wash a load of clothes, do it. If you tell her that you will pay the bills, do it. In the same vein, if you tell her that you will be home by a certain time, be there. If you can’t, text her to let her know. All of this comes down to being a Man of Integrity.
  4. Don’t expect someone else (your wife) to pick up after you. Yes, sometimes she might serve your plate or even pick it up after dinner. Just, DON’T expect it. A lot of women have the natural tendency to take care of things, including their husbands. They might find fulfillment in serving. Don’t exploit that in her; rather help her by serving her at times.
  5. Be the leader. As a Biblical Counselor, I believe the husband is the leader of the home. Sometimes, his leadership style is lacking and is not leading very well. But he is still the leader. As men, we need to step up and lead. That leadership isn’t a dictatorship or a monarchy. It is a leadership that comes out of our relationship with God that influences our relationship with our wives and our children.

I am not saying here that we can’t watch a ballgame or go hunting or go outside and work in our shop. What I am asking is, “Are you living a life that is respectable?” We desire respect more than anything else. Therefore, we must live in such a way that gives our wives something to respect.

There are many other ways a man can be respectable; what comes to your mind? I would love to read your thoughts in the comment section.

FPU: A Solution to Your Financial Struggles

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Do you have financial struggles in your marriage? Do you and your spouse fight over the money and how it is spent? I know that Lisa and I have had some difficulties in our marriage concerning money. We really did not have a clear direction in our financial lives until recently. My wife and I had the opportunity to participate in Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University at our church. I had been hesitant to take part in that study in the past because of the cost. I had always wondered how someone who was having financial problems could afford to pay someone to teach them to get out of those problems. But this time, our church made it available and we chose to participate.

fpu2Each week of the class, Lisa and I had ‘new’ ideas to discuss and homework to do. As we did the homework and talked about the teachings, I got excited about the possibilities of where we could go financially if we maintained the momentum of what we were learning. I would also get upset that I waited so long to take the course.

Last week as we were talking about our budget for this month, a question was raised about a category that was “over-drawn” and I said “It’s not about what is in the bank account, it’s about what is in that category.” Lisa laughed at me and then stated, “I’ve been trying to get you to understand that for 30 years.”

It took me listening to a man on a video screen for 9 weeks that I had only heard of and knew a little of his personal story to understand a concept that my wife had been attempting to teach me for our entire marriage. I guess I am hard-headed and a very slow learner. But I am a learner!!

This is not a paid endorsement of Financial Peace University or of Dave Ramsey. However, I am sold on the concept!!! Yes, it is a lot of common sense. Dave Ramsey has a God-given ability to communicate that common sense so that a hard-headed, slow learner like me can understand and grasp.

For me, the best part of the training is the interaction that Lisa and I now have with our finances. We have worked together some over the years, but I don’t believe that we have ever been as engaged as we are now. Our engagement is bringing about the financial intimacy that we both have desired, but we struggled to obtain. It is now being obtained.

I would encourage you, if you have an opportunity to take the Financial Peace University course, DO IT! It has the potential of changing more than just your finances; it can change your marriage.

Can My Marriage Survive The Affair?

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I can’t believe that my wife cheated on me!! I thought we were doing OK. I knew we were having some problems…but nothing like what she thought. And now, she has been seeing another guy for the past several months. I just can’t believe it. I really thought we were OK. Can my marriage survive the affair?

I was pregnant with our second child. I know that our sex life was struggling, but I WAS PREGNANT. My husband stopped paying attention to me and I was extremely tired. Then I started noticing that he stayed gone longer and was sneaking his phone into the bathroom. He wouldn’t talk to me. Then he tells me that he’s been seeing someone else. I’m devastated!! Can my marriage survive the affair?

Over the years, I have been asked these questions from so many people. Both men and women come seeking help to navigate the stormy waters adultery has caused in their marriage.

The answer to both questions is a great big YES!!

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How can a marriage survive the greatest act of betrayal? How can we move beyond such a grievous act?

In order for the marriage to survive adultery, you need:

  1. A commitment to marriage. How do you view marriage? Do you believe like our society that marriage is something that you can throw away? Or do you have a Biblical view of marriage? God created marriage to be a lifetime covenant between a man and a woman. He is the author and the initiator of marriage. When a person commits himself/herself to a Biblical view of marriage, then his view of his/her marriage changes.
  2. A repentant spirit. The offending spouse has to be repentant. He or she cannot just say “I’m Sorry” and expect everything to be great. As the spouse is repentant, humility comes along with a willingness to be accountable. If the offending spouse continues to be dishonest and defensive, he/she is not being repentant. Psalm 51 is the best passage of scripture to view a repentant spirit.
  3. A forgiving attitude. Being able to forgive someone of adultery takes a commitment level that very few people are willing to have. The commitment has to be to God first and foremost. The ability to forgive reflects the person’s relationship with God. The Bible tells us to forgive as God through Christ has forgiven us. (Eph. 4:32) When a person thinks about his/her own betrayal towards God, then the betrayal of his/her spouse is put into a proper perspective. God’s ability to forgive is based on His perfection and His mercy. Our ability to forgive is marred by our own sinfulness. Is this easy? NO WAY!! But it is possible.
  4. Endurance. The road to healing from an affair is long and hard. There are no short cuts. Nor are there any magical formulas that enable the couple to automatically arrive at the destination of total healing. There will be days that the couple thinks, “It is not worth the effort” and will want to quit. There will be days that the couple gets some momentum and will think they can do this. The key to staying on the journey is ability to endure.

Each of these elements is important to surviving an affair. It is not as easy as just knowing the elements. The couple has to work diligently on each aspect of the relationship.

Can your marriage survive an affair? The answer is YES! If each of you is willing to work through the hardships and the hurt and pain so that you can experience the fulfillment that God’s healing will provide in the end.
I would love to hear your thoughts about this.

Navigating the Storms of Life as a Couple

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I grew up on the Gulf Coast in Southeast Texas and storms were a way of life there. We had thunderstorms often as well as the occasional Tropical Storm.  I remember one storm in particular that several of us were playing in our garage because of the rain and all of a sudden lightening struck our house. What a tremendous flash and lots of fear that went along with it. The lightening strike created some damage to the house and fear, but did not destroy the house.

Another storm that I remember several years later was one that was not expected at all. I was sailing with a friend and her family when all of a sudden a storm blew up over the horizon. The father began giving us instructions on how to navigate through the rough waters and wind in order to out run the storm to our safety. Without his experience in sailing, we would have been caught in the middle of a potentially bad situation.  We know that storms are a part of life, but many times we are surprised by them and do not navigate them well at all.

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Men and women handle storms differently. Now, I know that doesn’t come as a shock to you if you have been married for any amount of time. Men and women do just about everything differently from one another. They speak differently, relate differently, even eat differently. I could go on about the differences between men and women, but today I want to focus on handling difficulties in life.

As you think about your marriage, think about the difficulties you have been through: Illnesses of children, job difficulties, extended family conflicts and the list could go on and on.  How did you handle each of them?  More than likely the man withdrew from his wife, while his wife wanted to connect with her husband. Men tend to withdraw and attempt to resolve the conflict in his mind before he includes anyone else into the equation.  Women, on the other hand, want to include others in the resolving stage.

Here are some thoughts about how to navigate difficult times as a couple.

  • Tell your spouse when you are having a difficult time. Men and women, alike, need to inform the other about what is going on in your life. We are not in this alone, but as one. Let your spouse know what you think about the difficulty. Allow him/her into your thoughts and feelings. It will bring you closer to each other.
  • Ask for help. Ask your spouse to help you in your difficulty. Ask for their thoughts and feelings and any suggestions that they might have to deal with your situation. Remember, you are in life together.
  • Make a plan together. It is important that each of you work toward a resolution. It might be “your” difficulty, but “what is mine is yours and what is yours is mine’ describes the marriage relationship.
  • Pray together. This step should be the first step. Take your difficulty to God together. God has a solution for the storm in order to bring peace in your life. God’s peace and solution will bring a new level of intimacy into your marriage. 

These four steps will help you navigate the storms in life as a married couple. A lot of couples attempt to do things as individuals and therefore they end up single. When we decide to work together as a couple and focus on being “one flesh,” our relationship will be strengthened through the difficulties of life.

When we decide to work together & focus on being “1 flesh,” our relationship will be strengthened through the storms.

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John 16:33 (NLT) 33 I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”

How To Become a Self-Sacrificing Husband

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Following Jesus’ Example To Become a Better Husband

Being a good husband is one of the most difficult tasks we can perform as men. We are taught how to work and to make a living. We are taught how to protect what is important to us. We are taught how to play sports or to fish and hunt. We don’t have to be taught how to be selfish or self-serving; that just comes naturally for everyone. But to be a good husband…that’s a different story. That does not come naturally, nor are most of us taught how to be good husbands. (No offense Dad!) In order to be the husbands that God intends for us to be, we must follow the example that scripture gives us of how Jesus leads His bride.sacrificial love

I think back to when Lisa and I first married. Those first few years were filled with conflict and stress. I felt my responsibility was to take care of the outside of the house and occasionally do the dishes. Cooking was out of the question…that was Lisa’s job along with everything else that occurred inside the house. I thought that I could pursue my hobbies even if it took away from my time with my family. I figured that they should understand that sentiment or that they could join me, but I was not changing my hobbies. I did what I wanted. I wondered why things weren’t going well for us. I saw other marriages that looked like ours on the surface. But our marriage was not going forward very quickly; rather, it was going backward and fast!

Then God!!!! I just love those two words, don’t you?

After living the first few years as a self-serving man, I began to realize that the Bible pointed me to live a different lifestyle. I was not supposed to be like the world thinking that a woman was made just to meet my needs, but rather that I was supposed to love her the way Christ loved the church.

There are three specific passages of scripture that has made the biggest impact on my life In the way I relate to my wife, Lisa.

  1. Ephesians 5:25 (NLT) 25 For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her (emphasis mine).  The word for love here is agapaō.  It is a verb that means to seek the highest good for another person. It is best illustrated by Jesus dying on the cross so that we can experience eternal life. This love is unconditional and sacrificial and it focuses on the well-being of the object of the love. As I began to truly study this verse along with the verses before and after, I realized that Lisa was not responsible to do anything that would or could make me love her more. It was my responsibility to actively love her sacrificially. Talk about a foreign concept in today’s society! Most of the time marital love is based on the performance of the spouse…which makes it conditional. This love is unconditional.
  2. Philippians 2:1-5 (NLT) Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from his love? Any fellowship together in the Spirit? Are your hearts tender and compassionate? 2 Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose. 3 Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. 4 Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. 5 You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. These verses also have had a major impact on my marriage. As Paul is teaching the church about unity, the same teachings can be applied to marriage. A couple is to be unified, seeking the same mind and purpose, being in agreement with one another, and acting compassionately toward each other. How can these things happen if both of the spouses are being selfish? I believe that as a husband, it is my responsibility to maintain an environment of unity and fellowship. I cannot keep such an environment as I seek my own interests. I have to be willing to put my interests aside at times for the unity of my marriage. This does not mean that I do not get what I want nor does it mean that I cannot ask for something that I want or think I need. What it means is that even when I do ask for something, “Am I thinking about what’s best for my marriage or am I being totally selfish?” The attitude of the husband is crucial to having a great marriage. If the husband has an attitude of selfishness, the marriage will not be great! His attitude has to be one of self-sacrifice as Jesus’ was when He came to the earth to be obedient to His Father. What an example to aspire to live up to!
    A couple is to be unified, seeking the same mind and purpose, being in agreement with one another, and compassionate toward each other.

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  3. John 13:4-5 (NLT) 4 So he got up from the table, took off his robe, wrapped a towel around his waist, 5 and poured water into a basin. Then he began to wash the disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel he had around him. I began to look for the examples of Jesus loving His disciples in a physical way. There are many examples as He healed people, fed the multitudes, and taught them. This example of Jesus meeting a very practical need in the form of serving His disciples impacted me as I thought about my marriage. Here Jesus is teaching HIs disciples that serving is what true leadership is all about. I desire to be the best leader my family could have, and in order to provide that type of leadership I need to learn to serve them practically and compassionately.

Each one of these passages of scripture has had significant influences on my marriage. My actions and my attitude has changed in dramatic fashion as God has led me to better understand what it means to love my wife like Christ loves the church. Men becoming self-sacrificing in their marriages will have a lasting effect on their families and the people around them.

How has God taught you to be Self-Sacrificing?

How To Guard Your Marriage From The Dangers of Adultery

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Have you ever seen a couple that you thought “WOW, I wish my marriage was like theirs”? They seem to be so affectionate and passionate toward each other. As soon as the wife walks into the room, the husband forgets anyone else is even in the room and just stares and smiles at his beautiful bride. Their eyes lock on each other and they move across the room to join in a very passionate embrace. Everyone is thinking or even saying “Get a room already!” You know that couple, don’t you? You might even be that couple. I have seen many couples like that over the years. I think that their marriage will last for a lifetime as they are so connected with each other — so passionate toward each other. Everything just seems to go their way. Then one day…

You notice they are not quite as passionate or affectionate. She walks into the room without him stopping his conversation to join her. She doesn’t even look toward him when he says “hello.”

You notice that neither of them are wearing wedding bands any more. There are no public displays of affection. You start asking yourself “what’s wrong with them?” You might even wonder if their marriage is on the rocks.

You then hear that there has been an extramarital affair and their marriage is reeling from the hurt and betrayal. Why did it happen? You thought they would never experience that sort of thing in their marriage.

I have heard it said that an affair starts when “you’re in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong frame of mind.” That statement seems to be correct.  Most affairs begin in the workplace. One author claims that 85% of all affairs begin at work.  If Affairsthat is the case then the key part of the previous statement is “with the wrong frame of mind.” You can still be in the right place at the right time, but with the wrong frame of mind.  Our mindset will be what is either the catalyst for the affair or the best defense against one.

Wrong Mindsets That Can Bring About Affairs:

  • My spouse is not exciting any more. Many men who have affairs are looking for a level of excitement that has been missing from their marriage. Routines can be very boring and most men do not like to be bored so they look for adventure. Women are also looking for adventure called romance. They might be thinking “my husband is not very romantic any more.”
  • My spouse is not meeting my needs. Life can be very stressful — Bills, Jobs, Kids, Repairs on Cars, Repairs to the House…I could continue on. When so much stress is involved in marriage, the sexual component will be pushed to the back burner. Many couples have explained to me that neither of them are very interested in sex. When this is taking place, too many times one, if not both, are vulnerable to look elsewhere for their needs to be met.
  • My spouse is not as attractive as he/she once was. Years take their toll on our bodies. We might gain weight or lose our hair or both. Our hair turns grey and we get wrinkles. As women have babies, they might develop stretch marks or parts of their bodies spread. Most people look different than they did on their wedding day. As your spouse’s physique changes, your taste needs to change to encompass his/her physical appearance.
  • I deserve to be happy. Happiness is something that’s fleeting. When life is good, a person is happy. When life isn’t so good, the same person probably isn’t so happy. Joy should be the goal, not happiness. ( I wrote more on happiness here.)

I’m sure there are other mindsets that creep in that make a person vulnerable for an affair. How do we safeguard our marriages from such temptations?

Guard Your Heart5 Safeguards:

  1. Have a growing relationship with God. When we lose sight of God, we begin to look at other options. We begin to worship ourselves. Do you read your Bible regularly? Do you pray regularly? Do you attend church? Each of these will help you in your relationship with God.
  2. Make a daily commitment to be faithful. Every day as you walk out of your house, decide to be faithful today. Be faithful to your spouse in your thoughts. Be faithful to your spouse in what you look at or read. Be faithful to your spouse in your conversations.
    Every day as you walk out of your house, decide to be faithful today w/ your thoughts, actions, & conversations.

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  3. Work on the issues that are lacking in your marriage. Is your marriage boring? Find adventure to share with your spouse. What can you do together that is exciting? Maybe meet in the middle of the day at a local hotel for an afternoon rendezvous. That will be so much better than meeting someone you’re not married to. Plan date nights.
  4. Talk. Talking to your spouse about your struggles, your dreams, your emotions, your desires, or your hurts will enhance your marriage. I heard an individual say that he never had done that before. But after his marriage hit the bottom because of his choices, he started talking about what he was thinking. His wife also started sharing with him how she was feeling. Both of them are moving toward the Happily Ever After like never before. It all started with the first true conversation.
  5. Share your adventure together. I know not everyone likes to do the same things. Each person has their own set of likes and dislikes. In marriage, you want to include your spouse in your adventures so that no one can ever take their place!

These are just a few of the ways that you can guard your marriage from the land mine known as adultery. Instead of trying to navigate the treacherous landscape, place these safeguards in your path. You will then protect your marriage from experiencing the devastation associated with unfaithfulness.

What do you do to guard your mind and you marriage daily?

How To Effectively Redirect Your Troubled Marriage

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“Bro. Brad,” the female client started.  “I am so tired of fighting in my marriage.  It seems that we fight about everything, from what we are going to eat for supper to what we watch on TV and everything else.  It all started a few months ago when my husband decided he just didn’t want to be married to me any more.  He told me that the spark was gone and I freaked out!”  At this point, she began to cry.  I asked her, “how long have you been married?”  “8 years,” she replied.  I asked her to tell me some of the ways her marriage got off course.  She then began to tell me her story.

As I listened to her share her side of the story, I began thinking about how she might be able to make a difference in her marriage even if her husband didn’t choose to come to counseling.  She didn’t want a divorce…She just did not have a clue of what she might be able to do in order to “save” her marriage.

This scenario might sound familiar to you.  Maybe you have actually felt this way or have had this experience.  Possibly you have heard someone tell you something similar to this.  What do you do when you are in a marriage that is full of animosity and conflict but only one wants to get help through counseling?  There are several things for you to do that can make an impact.

  1. PRAY.  I believe that God has a solution to all of our problems.  We have to seek Him for direction in handling our problems.  Also, He ordained marriage in the very beginning.  He wants your marriage to flourish.  He wants to be in the center of it.  Invite Him in.  He will work on you as well as your marriage.
  2. Evaluate what you have done RIGHT in the marriage.  In most cases, no one is totally wrong about everything.  As the old saying goes, “A broken clock is right twice a day.”  It is very important that you have an honest evaluation of your behavior in the relationship.  I like to encourage people to start with what is right.  Starting with the positive helps the picture to not look so dark.  Think about your actions, your attitudes, and your attributes that have contributed to what has been good, pleasant, fulfilling, and right in the number of years that you have been married.  Make an actual list.  Write it out on a piece of paper and refer to it often.List Making
  3. Now that you have a list of what you have done right, make a list of what you have done WRONG.  This list is not what your spouse says you have done wrong, but rather what you know that you have done wrong.  The important thing here is that you own your wrong doings.  If you just go on what someone else accuses you of, then you really are not owning it.  Be as specific as you can as you make this list.  If  you want to ask your spouse for help in making this list, feel free to ask for help.  I’m sure that your spouse would love to tell you all that you are doing wrong.  Be prepared to get an ear-full if you ask for help.
  4. Ask your spouse to forgive you of what you have done wrong.  Use your list, not theirs.  Do not try to explain away your actions.  Take full responsibility.  Expect your spouse to react to you admitting your faults with statements like, “It’s about time” or “Finally” or maybe even “It’s a little late for that.”  Please don’t get discouraged or defensive at this point.  Just state that you are attempting to apologize and are asking for forgiveness; nothing more.
  5. Identify changes that you need to make and implement these changes.  When we apologize for certain actions, our spouse is waiting to see lasting changes in our lives before they truly accept our apologies or will trust us to move forward in our relationship.  Maybe you have an anger problem and you yell a lot.  You can apologize for yelling and state that you are going to change.  But the next time you have a conflict, you yell again.  Do you think your spouse is going to trust that you have changed?  Of course not.  You have to work really hard not to do the things that have created some of the problems in your relationship.
  6. Finally, only own your part of the problems in your marriage.  As I stated earlier, you are not always wrong.  Your spouse plays a part in the problems.  Don’t accept their blame and guilt.  Only be responsible for yourself.

Often times when one partner in the relationship begins to make changes for the better, the other partner will follow suit.  I remember many years ago, that was true in my marriage.  We were not in a very good place at all and my wife began to make some changes that I was wanting her to make.  I followed suit by making the necessary changes that I needed to.  I am not totally sure if any of it was conscious or subconscious, but both of us made changes.  Our marriage went from being not in a good place to being in a very good place.  These steps can help your marriage turn toward being good, even if your spouse doesn’t want to get counseling.

Purpose Statement

I provide Biblical Counseling for:
  • People who are hurting in their marriages and families.
  • People who are hurting emotionally and spiritually.
  • People who are seeking freedom from the bondage in their lives.

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Location & Phone Number

5411 PLAZA DR STE G
TEXARKANA, TX 75503
PHONE: (903) 244-5150


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