Today as I begin to write more about men making changes in their lives to create an environment that is safe for their wives to love them again, I can’t help but think about several things that we as men do inappropriately which lead to our wives not loving us. God created women to respond to the men in their lives. If the husband is not loving, most of the time the woman will respond in the same manner. Therefore I would like to share a few items that men can change in order to be more loving.
- Don’t be a know it all. Even if the husband is the leader of the relationship, that doesn’t mean that he has to have all the answers. I have shared before that my wife is a very smart woman and makes very good decisions. There are many times that I will ask her opinion about situations. Because I trust her, I do not feel that I have to know everything. I have to be willing to listen to her and also talk to her about my thoughts concerning the matter. Neither one of us know everything, but together, we can figure most things out.
- Don’t try to fix all of her problems. Women want to be loved, and included in being loved is being cared for. Before the husband tries to “fix” a problem for his wife, he must be willing to listen to why it is a problem and how his wife feels about the problem. If you have children and your wife is the one that does most of the caring for them, then she is a problem solver. Rearing children can be a very taxing job, which requires a lot of managerial skills as well as problem solving skills. When your wife shares with you that she has a problem, most of the time she is asking you if you care about her and her problem.
- Don’t exclude her from your hobbies. I realize that not all women like car racing, football, golf, hunting or fishing. (Just to name a few) You might be surprised if you invited your wife to join you in your adventures and hobbies. You are wanting her to fall in love with you again and that will be difficult if you are not around her. If she just refuses to participate in your hobbies, find out what she likes to do. This summer my wife and I started a new hobby together. It has been very rewarding and we have truly enjoyed the time spent together. Recreating together does wonders for your relationship.
- Don’t only show affection when you want to have sex. Women love non-sexual touch. They desire light touches, caresses, massages, and the like. They love to hug. Have you ever noticed when women meet for the first time? Many of them greet each other with a hug. Now men don’t do that. We shake hands. If we are close to another man, we might hug him…but don’t count on it. Women, primarily, are huggers. As husbands, we need to learn how to hug our wives in such a way that they don’t suspect that we are just asking for more. The more we learn to touch non-sexually, the more they will feel “safe” with us and be willing to be more sexual.
- Don’t use porn!! This step should be a no-brainer, but the use of pornography in marriages is growing all the time. When a man uses porn, his wife feels degraded as well as inadequate. She knows that she can’t “compete” with that industry, nor does she want to. If you want an environment that is safe for your wife to “fall in love with you again,” you must stop all use of pornography. It is never helpful to your marriage.
I am aware that I could continue to write many more “Don’ts” that husbands can be guilty of, but I do not want to overload anyone. This list will not guarantee that your wife will respond by loving you again, but it does help create the environment for her to do so. If your relationship is struggling and your wife has told you that she doesn’t love you any more, check to see if you are guilty of any of these things. Also, refer back to Pt. 3 of this series and start there.
I would love to hear from you on this subject. What would you add to the don’t list? Leave any additions in the comment section below.
Bradley D. Watson, BCBT Directed Path Ministries
After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry. The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word to shine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.
Helping Others Using God’s Principles