Yesterday I wrote The Woman’s Greatest Need in Marriage and I finished by giving a list of the areas women need security. Today I would like to discuss the area of sexual security for a woman and how a husband can make his wife feel secure sexually.
We live in a very sexually charged society. We cannot drive down the road without seeing sexually explicit billboards. We’ve all heard the adage that sex sells. Well everything from the beer companies to the car companies believes that statement. When we turn on the TV we see all kinds of degrees of sexual content from the commercials to the shows themselves. Even when we open our mailboxes, there can be ads that are not the most wholesome. So what do we do about all of this in our marriages?
Women, for the most part, are very conscientious about their bodies. They have been comparing themselves to photos and other women most of their lives. Do I look as good as so-and-so? How do I compare to ________? I don’t like this area of my body or any part of my body. Then they see the models or the ads and it can create even more frustration and insecurity than ever before. If a woman has a baby, her body changes and then more insecurities can be felt. As a woman gets older, insecurities can prevail in her thinking.
Wow, when we start thinking about how a woman can feel about herself, we can see how difficult it is to maintain security in our relationship with them. So how do we maintain security in our sexual lives with our wives?
- Having Eyes just for them. We need to be cautious of who we look at and how we look. I realize that many men do not think that it is wrong to look at other women. I have been told, “even though I’m on a diet doesn’t mean I can’t look at the menu.” I can tell you that an attitude like that does not create a secure atmosphere for a wife. Men, we need to focus on making sure that we do not stare, gawk or really even look at someone else. Even the TV shows that we watch can create insecurity for our wives. How do we respond to commercials or to how the people are dressed in the programs that we watch are very important. A lot of the time, I close my eyes or look at my wife during certain commercials or programs. She then tells me when I can look. This action by me helps my wife feel secure in our relationship.
Job 31:1 (NASB)
1 “I have made a covenant with my eyes; How then could I gaze at a virgin?
Matthew 5:28 (NASB)
28 but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
- NO PORN!! I realize that this one is similar to the first one, but I want to reiterate this point. Pornography is demeaning to women. Your wife believes that she cannot compete with the women in the pictures and would not be able to perform as those women perform in the videos. If you want your wife to feel secure with you, you cannot be involved in such behavior.
- Complement your wife. Tell her that you find her attractive. Tell her what you like about her body in flattering ways. Do not talk nasty. Most women again find this demeaning. I know that I am talking in generalities, but most of the time they are right.
Song of Songs 4:1 (NASB)
1 “How beautiful you are, my darling, How beautiful you are! Your eyes are like doves behind your veil; Your hair is like a flock of goats That have descended from Mount Gilead.
- Talk about Sex. Talk about her needs and desires. Let her tell you what she likes. Let her guide you. It will be probably more enjoyable for you as well as for her. Tell her what you want and need. Wait for her response. Don’t force her to try something that she is uncomfortable with.
I know that these are just a few suggestions and there can be so much more written. I would love to hear how you can add to this.
SO important. I have lately made it a point to stretch (eyes closed or to the ceiling) when the Victoria’s Secrets ads (or similar) come on TV while we are watching together. It’s silly – but it is a great mental exercise for me, my way to “take every thought captive.”
It is important to do small things in our private lives to show our wives that we are acting with integrity. Thanks for your thoughts.
Sent from my iPhone
I fully agree. The idea of keeping our eyes away from what is inappropriate seems too noble to some and they would question our honesty. But to be honest, I do that for myself as much as I do it for my wife. I want to feel that desire and attraction toward her, I enjoy it, but if I spoil my appetite by lusting after other women then I loose my desire for my wife. I have been there in the past and I know that looking at other women has a negative affect on the way I see my wife. Don’t get me wrong, I also do it for her sake and because I love and honor her.
Great post.
Jack
It is so true!! Sex shouldn’t sell but it does. I love how my husband affirms me when we’re around other “beautiful” women. Last week we went hiking and I was really enjoying it but I was out of breath, hair falling down, and I’m out of shape. Then this cute blonde thing comes running by us with her tight muscles in all the right places and my husband turns around, steps in front of me, kisses me passionately and says, “You look beautiful.” Talk about only having eyes for me. What love! I was glowing the rest of the hike!
Just want to say, for many (maybe most) men, any wife could compete with the women in porn. They just need to have genuine affection for their spouse and be sexually available. I hope that will encourage some wives who are dealing with husbands recovering from porn addictions/use.