The Christian Marriage Bloggers Association is doing a challenge consisting of Words of Wisdom from different sources. This week’s source is to be from a friend. As I have thought about all the different marriage advice that I have received over the years, the one item that keeps coming to my mind is …
Don’t Keep Score!!
We live in such a competitive society that piece of advice can be very difficult to maintain. People compete on all levels of life now. Our society has made everything a competition. Some competitions can be fun and enjoyable. Playing miniature golf or pool should be fun and relaxing. A couple should be able to enjoy laughing and cutting up while engaging in such an innocent form of competition. Cards and board games should carry the same level of amusement for the 
couple. Yes, there will be a “winner,” but the key question is “Do we win as a couple as we play?”.
Keeping score during these games is natural and should be fun. Does it get so fierce that your relationship is stretched or even damaged?
Other ways that we are tempted to keep score are not as fun nor as natural as when we play games. We can be tempted to keep score on who loves the most or who does the most. The issues become points of contention in our relationship. They will cause division and not bring us together. The ultimate goal of marriage is being ONE. The one cannot compete against itself. Unity, companionship, and intimacy are all part of becoming ONE. Are you working toward that goal?
Here a few questions to ask yourself when you began thinking that your marriage is a competition.
- Is my spouse my partner or my enemy? Too many times in our marriage we began to view our mate as the enemy. He/she is not the enemy! “For our struggle is not against [a]flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.” (Eph. 6:12 NASB) Don’t treat him/her as the enemy, but rather your partner or teammate.
- Am I working toward Oneness? A covenant marriage is meant to reflect Christ’s relationship with the church. The church cannot function properly without Christ as the head of the church. The church will not function properly without each member doing their part within the body of Christ. The same is true for the marriage relationship. Each spouse has to do his/her part in order for the marriage to function properly. We have to function as one.
- Am I focusing on Me or We? I believe that Eph. 5:21, which says “and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.” carries over into the following discussion of marriage in verses 22-33. Therefore, the role of each spouse is one of submission to each other as you would submit to Christ. If we focus on ME, we lose sight of Christ. If we focus on our spouse, we lose sight of Christ. We need to focus on WE, which includes Christ. This shift in our focus will bring about the intimacy that is truly desired.
Don’t Keep Score. Our marriage is not a competition. It is a journey toward intimacy that God planned from the very beginning. Are you working toward that goal?
Bradley D. Watson, BCBT
Directed Path Ministries
After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry. The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word to shine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.