Can My Marriage Survive The Affair?

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I can’t believe that my wife cheated on me!! I thought we were doing OK. I knew we were having some problems…but nothing like what she thought. And now, she has been seeing another guy for the past several months. I just can’t believe it. I really thought we were OK. Can my marriage survive the affair?

I was pregnant with our second child. I know that our sex life was struggling, but I WAS PREGNANT. My husband stopped paying attention to me and I was extremely tired. Then I started noticing that he stayed gone longer and was sneaking his phone into the bathroom. He wouldn’t talk to me. Then he tells me that he’s been seeing someone else. I’m devastated!! Can my marriage survive the affair?

Over the years, I have been asked these questions from so many people. Both men and women come seeking help to navigate the stormy waters adultery has caused in their marriage.

The answer to both questions is a great big YES!!

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How can a marriage survive the greatest act of betrayal? How can we move beyond such a grievous act?

In order for the marriage to survive adultery, you need:

  1. A commitment to marriage. How do you view marriage? Do you believe like our society that marriage is something that you can throw away? Or do you have a Biblical view of marriage? God created marriage to be a lifetime covenant between a man and a woman. He is the author and the initiator of marriage. When a person commits himself/herself to a Biblical view of marriage, then his view of his/her marriage changes.
  2. A repentant spirit. The offending spouse has to be repentant. He or she cannot just say “I’m Sorry” and expect everything to be great. As the spouse is repentant, humility comes along with a willingness to be accountable. If the offending spouse continues to be dishonest and defensive, he/she is not being repentant. Psalm 51 is the best passage of scripture to view a repentant spirit.
  3. A forgiving attitude. Being able to forgive someone of adultery takes a commitment level that very few people are willing to have. The commitment has to be to God first and foremost. The ability to forgive reflects the person’s relationship with God. The Bible tells us to forgive as God through Christ has forgiven us. (Eph. 4:32) When a person thinks about his/her own betrayal towards God, then the betrayal of his/her spouse is put into a proper perspective. God’s ability to forgive is based on His perfection and His mercy. Our ability to forgive is marred by our own sinfulness. Is this easy? NO WAY!! But it is possible.
  4. Endurance. The road to healing from an affair is long and hard. There are no short cuts. Nor are there any magical formulas that enable the couple to automatically arrive at the destination of total healing. There will be days that the couple thinks, “It is not worth the effort” and will want to quit. There will be days that the couple gets some momentum and will think they can do this. The key to staying on the journey is ability to endure.

Each of these elements is important to surviving an affair. It is not as easy as just knowing the elements. The couple has to work diligently on each aspect of the relationship.

Can your marriage survive an affair? The answer is YES! If each of you is willing to work through the hardships and the hurt and pain so that you can experience the fulfillment that God’s healing will provide in the end.
I would love to hear your thoughts about this.

Forgiveness Is Not Forgetting

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“I can never forget what that person did to me!!”  “Why would I forgive someone when they hurt me so badly?”  “You just don’t understand the amount of hurt that I have experienced in my life.  Forgiveness is impossible!”

Have you ever had those thoughts?  Maybe you have even said something like one of those statements before.  I know that I have had thoughts like those in my life.  Being hurt by someone that you love is one of the worst experiences in life you can have.  There are only a few that I can think of that might be worse…but those are for another discussion.

ForgivenessOne of the biggest misconceptions of forgiveness is that of “Forgive and Forget.”  We have all heard someone say, “just forgive and forget” whatever has happened to you.  God did not make our brain to forget.  As a matter of fact, God made our brains to remember.  When we experience something in life, we remember better than something that we have heard or read.  That is why experience is such a good teacher.  That is why in school teachers assign homework and lab work so that we can experience what they are trying to get across.  The fact that experience is a good teacher is also why so many jobs have on the job training and internships, because we learn by experiencing.

So if you think you can just forget some hurt that you have experienced, you are asking you brain to do something that it is not designed to do.

Forgiveness does not equal forgetting.

Forgiveness means that you choose not to focus on the hurt.  Think about Ephesians 4:32 (NASB95)  Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. (emphasis mine)  God tells us to forgive as He has forgiven us.  How does He forgive us?

  1. His forgiveness is based on His own love for us.  Romans 4:5 (NLT) 5 But people are counted as righteous, not because of their work, but because of their faith in God who forgives sinners. (emphasis mine)  We cannot earn God’s forgiveness; it is a gift based on the giver, not the receiver.
  2. He remembers our sin no more.  Hebrews 8:12 (NLT) 12 “And I will forgive their wickedness, and I will never again remember their sins.”* (emphasis mine)  We need to notice that this is a choice that God is making.  It is not a statement of forgetfulness, but rather a choice not to remember.  Someone might accuse me of playing a game of semantics, but I think that this distinction is very important to our ability to forgive.  We can choose to not remember something better than we can forget the same thing.  By choosing to not remember, we are saying that we will not focus on the wrong.  We will focus on God’s love for us and for the person who hurt us.
  3. Then finally, HIs forgiveness is continual.  1 John 1:9 (NLT) 9 “But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.”  Even though God knows that we will continue to sin, He continually offers forgiveness.  We need to keep this fact in mind, especially when we are talking about forgiveness in marriage.  Our spouses will continually disappoint and hurt us throughout our marriage, maybe not intentionally, yet it still hurts.  God continually forgives us when we wrong Him.  We need to have the same attitude toward the people who hurt us.

Forgiveness is something that we all need to work on.  Our ability to forgive is strengthened by our awareness of how much God has forgiven us.

What ways have you noticed God’s forgiveness in your life that you can pass on toward others that have hurt you?


Brad 2014Bradley D. Watson, BCBT

Directed Path Ministries

After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry.  The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word to shine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.

Develop The Life and Marriage You Desire

6 Steps To Release Your Anger

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I had a young man come into my office recently who showed signs of intense anger.  As we talked about what was bothering him, it became obvious that his anger had very deep roots.  For his homework, I asked him to make a list of everyone that had hurt him in his life.  He came back several days later with his list.  “This list was difficult to write everyone down.  I remember being bullied in elementary school and I am just waiting for the opportunity to get them back.”  As I listened to him recount the things that had happened in his life, I began to understand why his anger was so deep.  He had held a grudge toward everyone that had hurt him in any way and he was just waiting for the right time to start getting pay backs.  How many of you have felt that way before?  You just couldn’t wait to get someone back for hurting you.  I can remember feeling that way many years ago.  The main problem with those feelings is that the person who does the hurting has long since forgotten the event and you are the one that is still being controlled by those negative feelings.  As I told this man, “you are holding on to something that happened more than twenty years ago.”  The offender has totally forgotten the situation and possibly has forgotten you.  So what do you do about these feelings of desiring revenge?  How do you overcome them?  How do you heal from the hurt so that your anger can heal?Anger

  1. Acknowledge the hurt.  What happened that created the sense of hurt in your life?  Who was the perpetrator?  Write it all down.
  2. Identify any false beliefs that you might have. What do you believe about yourself based on that event?  You want to identify any negative beliefs such as “I’m a loser” or “I’m worthless.”
  3. Replace the false beliefs with The Truth of God’s Word.  I am a child of God.  I am a friend of God.  I am redeemed.  There are so many more, but these create a good starting spot.
  4. Understand that it is God’s place for vengeance.  Romans 12:19 tells us that it is God’s place to get revenge because of His perfect anger.  Our revenge is not motivated by love or holiness where God’s is.
  5. Confess your sinfulness of wanting revenge.  Understand that wanting to hurt someone because they hurt you is a sin.
  6. Forgive the offender.  By forgiving the offender, you are releasing your desire to get revenge.  You are also choosing to let go of the negative feelings associated with the event.  By forgiving the offender, you are trusting God to do what He desires in the offender’s life.Revenge is Mine

Anger is a cancer that will continue to eat its way through your body and destroy you if you do not take action to release it.  Revenge will not release the anger.  It might satisfy it for a short while, but the anger will continue to burn within you.  Learning to forgive and to allow God to do His work will bring about a peace that cannot be explained in human terms.  That peace will lead to joy in your life.

What would you add to these steps of working through your anger?  How have you turned things over to God for His healing?

Brad 2014Bradley D. Watson, BCBT

Directed Path Ministries

After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry.  The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word to shine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.

Develop The Life and Marriage You Desire

Five Steps To Enhance Your Married Sex Life

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CMBA_challenge_14 (1)The CMBA Challenge for October included Words of Wisdom from different sources each week…Family, Bible, Friends, & Books or Blogs.

This week being Books or Blogs has been difficult for me to decide which book I wanted to reference.  I have read so many books on marriage over the years and each one has merit and has added value to my marriage.  After what seemed to be a long time of consideration, I have chosen a book that I have not ever seen in a book store.  I had the privilege of hearing the author speak at an AACC World Conference several years ago and I have been recommending the book ever since.  The book is Sacred Sex by Tim Gardner.  He explains in the introduction of the book, “If you’re looking for a new erogenous zone, a medical breakthrough for prolonging orgasm, or a way to have fabulous sex every time the notion crosses your mind, you have the wrong book.”  There are many books that help with some of those topics.  The Generous Husband references one of those books in his blog Monday.

I believe the purpose of Sacred Sex is found in this paragraph:  “God designed marital sex to be an encounter with the divine. Sexual intimacy, with all of its overwhelming emotions and heart-pounding sensations, was never intended to be experienced solely in the emotional and physical realms. Rather, it is to be a spiritual, even mystical, experience in which two bodies become one. God is present in a very real way every time this happens.”

Marriage BedToo many times, we bring all of our unholy experiences and beliefs about sex into our marriage. Satan has tricked us in believing his lies about the sexual relationship.  We act on those lies. Therefore, we have an extremely difficult time removing that baggage from our minds and allowing God to transform us into the Garden experience…”naked and unashamed.”

To begin moving toward the intention God had for the sexual relationship between a husband and wife, we need to…

  1. Ask God to forgive us of our sexual sins in the past.  Be honest with God about your past.  He knows everything already.  He is asking you to agree with Him that any sexual experience outside of marriage was a sin.  He wants to cleanse you from that unrighteousness and make you whole.  Confession is a must!
  2. Forgive yourself for your sexual past.  Included in us forgiving ourselves is receiving God’s forgiveness.  Too many times we allow our sin and our past to define us as people.  God wants to define us through Christ and His righteousness, not our unrighteousness.  Forgiving yourself also means that you release the guilt of your past.  Again, seek to see yourself as God sees you.
  3. Confess to your spouse.  Yes, I believe that you need to share with your spouse about your sexual experience before marriage.  No, I do not believe you need to share all the “gory” details.  I am referring to being honest and not hiding anything.
  4. Seek forgiveness from your spouse for any inappropriate sexual experiences before marriage between the two of you.  Even if you are engaged to be married, sex before marriage is wrong.  Confess this to God and to each other.  Forgive each other and receive God’s forgiveness.
  5. Pray about your sexual lives together.  Realize that God intends your sexual union to be holy.  He makes it holy.  Invite Him into your bedroom.  You invite Him into other aspects of your marriage, why not the sexual union?  I know that this sounds weird and maybe even perverted.  I assure you that God will be pleased that you are wanting your physical intimacy to be pleasing to Him as well as to each other.Couples Praying

Following these five steps will enhance your sexual relationship and deepen your intimacy throughout your marriage .What book or blogs have you read that have brought value to your marriage?

Brad 2014

Bradley D. Watson, BCBT
Directed Path Ministries

After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry.  The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word to shine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.

Develop The Life and Marriage You Desire

Forgiveness and Repentance

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“My husband has been cheating on me and I do not know if I can ever forgive and forget such an act.”

“My wife talks to me with such disrespect and hatred that I’m not sure that I will ever be able to forgive and forget that.”

I know that I could continue with different scenarios, but I think you get the picture of how many people feel about forgiving someone.  It is a misnomer that someone would be able to forget something that has created such hurt in his/her life.  Since that is the fact, what does it mean for us to forgive someone?

Matthew 6:14-15 (NASB)
14 “For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
15 “But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.

Every person I know wants to be forgiven by God, therefore they struggle with the idea that they have to forgive whomever has hurt them.

We read also about God’s forgiveness: Isaiah 43:25 (NASB)
25 “I, even I, am the one who wipes out your transgressions for My own sake, And I will not remember your sins.
Wow!!! God says He will not remember our sins and we are supposed to forgive as He has forgiven.

Ephesians 4:31-32 (NASB)
31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.
32 Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. (emphasis mine)

I want to add one more verse to the list of verses I’m using today because I think that we need to have a better understanding of how we are to forgive as well as then behave with the offender.

Luke 17:3 (NASB)
3 “Be on your guard! If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him.

This verse seems to be saying something different than the other verses.  I do know that the following verse tells us Luke 17:4 (NASB)
4 “And if he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.”

In order to get a grasp on forgiving someone, we have to look at each principle that is given to us in scripture.

The first principle that we need to understand is that we have to have a attitude of forgiveness if we expect God to forgive us.  As Jesus is teaching us how to pray, he includes that we must forgive so that we can be forgiven.  How presumptuous it would be for us to expect God to forgive us if we are unwilling to forgive someone else.  If we harbor unforgiveness, then we are not willing to be Christ-like.  When we choose to be unChrist-like than God is not going to forgive us, until we repent.

The second principle that we need to understand is that God chooses not to remember our sins.  God cannot forget anything.  He knows every thing.  I believe that when God sees us, He is looking at us through the blood of Christ that has been applied to our lives through our salvation.  Therefore, He chooses to see the sacrifice and not the sin and He does not hold the sin against us because of what Jesus has done for us.  We can enter into God’s presence because of this.

What does this mean for us as we forgive others?  We will not forget what has occurred to us.  Our minds hold on to hurts and trauma as well as special events and details.  When someone has wronged us, it would then be unrealistic to ever believe that we would be able to forget.  What we must do is to make a conscious effort to not hold the wrong against the person who has wronged us.  This effort obviously would be easier for lesser offenses than it would be for something major.  If your spouse has committed adultery, then you will have to wrong harder at not “remember” the offense.

The third principle that we need to understand is that our ability to forgives comes from our understanding of how much God has forgiven us.  That understanding only comes when we truly consider the cost of our forgiveness in the first place.  We are in the days of celebrating Christmas, the birth of Jesus.  He had to leave heaven to be born into this world.  He lived a sinless life and then died a substutionary death for us so that the penalty of sin would be paid.  He then rose from the grave and then assended into heaven so that we could join Him one day.  Our forgiveness cost Jesus Christ every thing.  When we forgive others, we must be willing to “pay” a price.

The final principle that I believe is important for us to understand about forgiveness is that true forgiveness cannot come without repentance.  Dr. Ronald Hawkins wrote that forgiveness without repentance is cheap.  (Totally Sufficient, pg. 213)  The word repent means to do an about face and go the other direction.  Repentance carries with it an attitude of humility and a willingness to follow the guidelines that are in place.  When forgiveness is offered without repentance, the offender will continue to abuse or misuse the offended.  In salvation, we have the ultimate forgiveness.  Our relationship with God is secure because all of our sins (past, present, and future) are forgiven.  But we are told in scripture to repent and to ask for God’s forgiveness. (I John 1:9)  When we sin after our salvation, the fellowship with God is broken and we must repent in order for Him to restore that fellowship.  The same is true with people around us.  The true fellowship of the intimate relationship of marriage or family can only be sustained when there is repentance along with forgiveness.  When there is repentance, trust can be rebuilt and reconciliation can take place.  Without repentance, the relationship is void of those qualities.

We must be forgiving people.  We must live with an attitude of forgiveness.  We also are told by Christ that we can expect repentance for true forgiveness to be given.

Honoring Your Parents

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Recently several people have spoken with me concerning their aging parents and how to “honor” them even though the parents have abused them in the past or continue to do so now.  The abuse may or may not be physical, but it may also include emotional as well as verbal abuse. The relationship may be one that is characterized as being manipulative.  All of these situations are very difficult to deal with as an adult child of an aging parent. I thank God that I do not have to deal with these negative emotions or relationships with my parents or my in-laws. I am learning about the aspect of how to relate with my parents as they age and their needs are changing.  At the present time, my parents and my in-laws are relatively healthy and independent. I pray that they continue to be such for several more years. But, I digress from the purpose of my writing today.

(Again, let me state that I have not experienced the emotions of being abused by my parents in any way. So, please do not think I am trying to tell you how to feel.)

As I have been thinking about this particular subject, several things have come to my mind. The primary thought that I have had is one of unconditional obedience to God. God gives us several directives in scripture dealing with different types of relationships. Each one does not come with a condition that would allow us not to obey it. One such directive is to forgive others so the Father in Heaven can forgive us.(Matt. 6:14-15) God does not tell us to forgive if they ask for forgiveness, but to forgive. He doesn’t tell us to forgive if they are repentant, but just forgive.

The second that comes to my mind is Wives submit and respect your husband, while husbands are commanded to love and understand your wife. (Eph. 5:21-33; I Pet. 3:1-7) No where in these passages does it mention if your spouse is being lovable or respectable or even if you are getting along together. It is a command without conditions that requires unconditional obedience to God. There are several other commands from God such as love your neighbor among others.

Now thinking about your parents, whether they were good parents or not, we need to consider the command that God gave us in the Ten Commandments and that Paul repeated in a couple of his letters to churches.

The command reads, “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.” (Exodus 20:12 ESV)

Now Paul tells children to obey their parents as another form of this commandment in Ephesians 6 and Colossians 3. As adult children, we are not considered children and therefore the command to obey our parents does not apply to us after we move out of our parents’ house. So we need to realize that God does not expect us to obey our parents, when we have our own family.

There is a difference between honoring and obeying. The Greek word for obey is hupakouo which means to listen and follow the rules and guidelines. The Greek word for honor is timao which means to value or to prefer.

Now let me share some of my thoughts concerning how we can honor our parents even in times when they are not honorable.

  1. We live our lives in a way that brings honor to our parents. In other words, we live according to what we believe God wants for us. When we are obedient to God, we will bring honor to our parents. Sometimes our parents won’t see that, but the fact remains the same: When we live for God, we bring honor to our parents.
  2. We make sure the needs of our parents are met. This statement does not mean that we have to meet our parents’ needs. We need to make sure the needs are met. Many of us do not live in the same town as our parents and cannot be around them all the time. Therefore we need to pay attention to what is being said by our parents and how they are getting along.
  3. We keep lines of communication open with our parents. This step might be very difficult when our parents are verbally abusive or manipulative, but we need to work on making sure communication is there. Let me say here that proper boundaries need to be in place so that you do not put yourself in a position to abused or manipulated. You need to communicate the boundaries that you intend to put into place, so that you give your parents an opportunity to follow them. You need to share with them the consequences of crossing the boundaries as well.
  4. Finally, which probably should have been written first on the list, we need to pray for our parents and the relationship with them. When we pray for someone, we begin to see that person as God sees him/her. If we are praying for our parents, God will give us insight on how to honor them.

Let me reiterate, I do not have an issue with either my parents or my in-laws when it comes honoring them. God has blessed me with parents in my life that live for Him and have taught me the same. My wife’s parents are the same, with very similar values. This writing comes from watching many people struggle in this area as well as learning from what God is teaching me as I help others. I pray that this might help you.

I invite your comments and if you have questions, please ask.

Reconciling Relationships

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Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:32 NASB)

I know that this verse is one that many Christians learn early in their lives. (I remember memorizing this verse as a child in Vacation Bible School.) I want to delve into the meaning of this verse a little.

How many times has someone done something to offend you or hurt your feelings? Have you ever had an argument with someone knowing you were ‘right’ yet you acted very ugly in trying to prove your point? Now I know the answer to both of these questions. I know that all of us have been offended time after time, even by those whom are closest to us. I also know that we all have been in arguments that we allowed our emotions to get the best of us. So what do we do now that these things have happened? How can we learn to handle these same circumstances when they arise again?

I believe the first step in reconciling the relationship that is being effected by the past is to be forgiving. Most of the time being forgiving means forgiving yourself. I have been told several times ‘I cannot forgive myself.’ I realize that forgiving ourselves is a difficult thing to do because we cannot forget our behavior. There are many times that I am plagued with thoughts of my bad behavior or the things that I have done wrong. The negative thoughts can haunt us with doubts about ourselves for a long time if we let them. God is willing to forgive us of all our sins, even the worst ones! We have to begin looking at ourselves with God’s eyes. He is able to separate us from the sin itself. He judges us based on who we are and not what we do. We have to work on doing the same thing.

The second step in reconciling the relationship is empathizing with the other person. When you have offended someone, try putting yourself in their shoes. While doing so, answer a couple of questions about the situation from the other person’s perspective. The first question is, “How would I like it, if I were treated the same way by someone?”. The bible tells us to treat others the way we want to be treated. We call this ‘The Golden Rule’. If all of us would stop and think about how we like to be treated, our relationships would be a lot different. The second question is, “What are the circumstances that are influencing the other person’s behavior?” Now, you might be asking the importance to the second question. When we understand the other person and attempt to connect with them, we can begin to see ourselves through their eyes. When we are able to see ourselves the same way the offended does, we become more compassionate toward that person as well as more repentant. This action creates an attitude of humility and gentleness.

The third and probably the most important step is forgiving the other person. An understanding of what forgiveness means is imperative. Forgiveness is NOT forgetting. Our brains are not designed to forget certain things. Forgiveness is NOT equal to reconciliation. Just because you forgive someone does not mean that the relationship is automatically reconciled.
Forgiveness IS choosing not to hold the other person responsible of their offense. Or in another words, separating the offender from the offense; as God does for us. Forgiveness IS choosing to be willing to work on reconciling the relationship. Without forgiveness, reconciliation is impossible. Forgiveness IS a gift. A gift is given based on the giver, not the receiver. Again, just as God forgives us!
How do we forgive now? I could write a great deal about this, but in this article I want to focus on just one aspect of forgiving. We must recognize our own hurt emotions and accept them. We cannot blame the other person, or we will not forgive. When we can accept our emotions, we then want to replace the negative, hurt emotions with God’s healing and His acceptance. His love for us is unconditional and is totally founded in His character. Once we get to this point, we can forgive.

The final step in reconciling the relationship is moving toward reconciliation. Many things can be written on this subject as well; which will come later. The process includes expressing your forgiveness, seeking their forgiveness, building boundaries, and agreeing on changing behaviors. I know I could add a great deal more, which I will elaborate in the near future.

Are we willing to exemplify Ephesians 4:32? Can we be kind, tender-hearted, and forgiving? Following these steps should help!

Acceptance vs. Rejection Principle Pt. 2

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Ephesians 4:32 (HCSB) And be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ.

I realize that it has almost a month since I have posted a blog.  I started with a discussion on Rejection in my last offering and I want to conclude today with how we are to deal with rejection.  First let me summarize part one of this principle of Acceptance vs. Rejection.  I believe from a spiritual standpoint that most depression is caused by rejection.  That rejection can be either real or perceived.  Either way, the rejection always hurts the one that feels it.  Rejection begins a spiraling fall toward depression.  There are several steps on this staircase but the bottom is always depression.  I hope that you will read the remainder of that blog from two weeks ago to fill in the steps of the process.

Let me ask you a couple of questions.  What do our doctors do when we begin to talk about depression?  Most doctors, if not all of them, will prescribe some form of medication to help our moods.  There are many different medications that have the specific job of helping with depression.  There are even new medications to help some of the older medications to work more effectively.  http://www.abilify.com is a website that even gives the names of the medications Abilify works with.  http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/health/article3434486.ece and http://www.helpguide.org/mental/medications_depression.htm are two articles that indicate studies that antidepressants are not always effective to treat depression.  Now again, I am neither a doctor nor a clinical psychologist.  I am a pastoral counselor.  I want to help people experience relief from their depression from a biblical standpoint.  If you are on any medication, please do not quit it without talking to your doctor first.  I thank God for the medication that is out there.  I want you to know that I believe that medication is a gift from God.  But I want to emphasize that it is only a tool to help mask the hurt or the symptoms of the depression.  It is not a cure.

Since the medication that is prescribed is not a cure, I want to offer a solution to the hurt that can lead to depression.  Forgiveness. Now I know that might sound like a simple conclusion on the surface, but do we truly understand the biblical view of forgiveness.  When we understand that, we will be well on our way to experiencing freedom from that rejection.

Forgiveness needs to be understood.

1.  It is not for-getting.

2.  You don’t have to feel good about the offender.

3.  You should not wait till you feel like forgiving.

4.  Two Parts of Forgiveness:

a. Decisional

b. Emotional

“Whatever your situation, whatever has happened in your past, remember that you are the loser if you do not deal with an unforgiving spirit.  And the people around you suffer, too.  You have within you the power to forgive, to be healed, and to be set free to live your life to the fullest.”  Charles Stanley

God’s Example of Forgiveness

  1. God’s love has no limits.
  2. God’s love is patient.
  3. God is eager to express His love.
  4. God’s love is focused on the sinner, not the sin.
  5. God receives the sinner back into fellowship joyfully.

What happens when we don’t forgive

  1. We get hurt.
  2. We become confused.
  3. We look for detours.
  4. We dig a hole.
  5. We deny it.
  6. We become defeated.
  7. We become discouraged or depressed.

Three Ways to Know We have Forgiven

  1. Our negative feelings will disappear.
  2. We will find it much easier to accept the people who have hurt us w/o feeling the need to change them.
  3. Our concern about the needs of the other individuals will outweigh our concerns about what they did to us.

“Forgiveness is a process that can be painful and at times seem unending.  Whatever our pain, whatever our situation, we cannot afford to hold on to an unforgiving spirit another day.  We must get involved w/ the process of forgiving others and find out what it means to be really free.  If we will persevere and keep our eyes on the One who forgave us, it will be a liberating force like nothing else we have ever experienced.”  (Charles Stanley, Gift of Forgiveness, pg. 133)

To summarize the above, in order to truly forgive others, we have to accept the pain that has been caused by the rejection or the offense.  Then we have to decide what to do with that pain.  We can either hold on to it or we can let it go.  If we forgive, we let it go.  We do not hold the other person captive because of that offense.  We learn to see the person through the eyes of God, whom separates the sinner from his sin with His perfect love.  Only through the gift of God’s forgiveness can we forgive others.

I believe that once we learn to forgive others and rely on God’s acceptance, we have a totally different outlook on life.  We are able to see beyond the clouds of our rejection and see the clearing that God’s light and love provides.

One final thought on this subject I would like to offer you.  Many people who are on medication have no outlet for the emotions.  They are relying on the medication to do a miracle, but they can’t relate their feelings to anyone.  That is where counseling comes into play.  Our modern mental health philosophy in many circles is just to medicate.  We also need to be able to learn to express ourselves in productive ways.  This is where my profession of a pastoral counselor comes into play.  I am not advertising me per se…well maybe I am, but I am encouraging you to find someone you can talk to that will help you have a biblical perspective of your struggles.

Matthew 6:14-15 (HCSB) 14 “For if you forgive people their wrongdoing, your heavenly Father will forgive you as well. 15 But if you don’t forgive people, your Father will not forgive your wrongdoing.

Purpose Statement

I provide Biblical Counseling for:
  • People who are hurting in their marriages and families.
  • People who are hurting emotionally and spiritually.
  • People who are seeking freedom from the bondage in their lives.

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Location & Phone Number

5411 PLAZA DR STE G
TEXARKANA, TX 75503
PHONE: (903) 244-5150


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