Keeping Score in Marriage

October 21, 2014 By bwatson 6 Comments

The Christian Marriage Bloggers Association is doing a challenge consisting of Words of Wisdom from different sources. This week’s source is to be from a friend. As I have thought about all the different marriage advice that I have received over the years, the one item that keeps coming to my mind is …

Don’t Keep Score!!

We live in such a competitive society that piece of advice can be very difficult to maintain. People compete on all levels of life now. Our society has made everything a competition. Some competitions can be fun and enjoyable. Playing miniature golf or pool should be fun and relaxing. A couple should be able to enjoy laughing and cutting up while engaging in such an innocent form of competition. Cards and board games should carry the same level of amusement for the couple. Yes, there will be a “winner,” but the key question is “Do we win as a couple as we play?”.

Keeping score during these games is natural and should be fun. Does it get so fierce that your relationship is stretched or even damaged?

Other ways that we are tempted to keep score are not as fun nor as natural as when we play games. We can be tempted to keep score on who loves the most or who does the most. The issues become points of contention in our relationship. They will cause division and not bring us together. The ultimate goal of marriage is being ONE. The one cannot compete against itself. Unity, companionship, and intimacy are all part of becoming ONE. Are you working toward that goal?

Here a few questions to ask yourself when you began thinking that your marriage is a competition.

Is my spouse my partner or my enemy? Too many times in our marriage we began to view our mate as the enemy. He/she is not the enemy! “For our struggle is not against [a]flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.” (Eph. 6:12 NASB) Don’t treat him/her as the enemy, but rather your partner or teammate.
Am I working toward Oneness? A covenant marriage is meant to reflect Christ’s relationship with the church. The church cannot function properly without Christ as the head of the church. The church will not function properly without each member doing their part within the body of Christ. The same is true for the marriage relationship. Each spouse has to do his/her part in order for the marriage to function properly. We have to function as one.
Am I focusing on Me or We? I believe that Eph. 5:21, which says “and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.” carries over into the following discussion of marriage in verses 22-33. Therefore, the role of each spouse is one of submission to each other as you would submit to Christ. If we focus on ME, we lose sight of Christ. If we focus on our spouse, we lose sight of Christ. We need to focus on WE, which includes Christ. This shift in our focus will bring about the intimacy that is truly desired.

Don’t Keep Score. Our marriage is not a competition. It is a journey toward intimacy that God planned from the very beginning. Are you working toward that goal?

Bradley D. Watson, BCBT

Directed Path Ministries

After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry. The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word to shine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.

Develop The Life and Marriage You Desire

3 Keys to Spiritual Intimacy

September 12, 2014 By bwatson Leave a Comment

“Man is not an island.” This quotation is actually from John Donne in 1624. It is a part of Meditation XVII which also says “…for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.” The meaning of the quote “Man is not an island” is that man does not thrive on his own; he needs relationships and community in order to reach his total potential. Donne was a Christian author even though several religions have adopted this thought. The relationship that is needed the most is a relationship with God through Jesus Christ.

The second most important relationship is with a wife. I believe this principle is taught in Genesis 2. Adam was created and had a perfect relationship with God. He had the opportunity to walk and talk with God daily. God trusted Adam to name the animals in the garden and to take care of the plants as well as the animals. As God is reviewing all that is happening in the Garden of Eden, He states that “it is not good than Man is alone.” Now Adam was sinless at this time. He had complete freedom to do his job of keeping the Garden. He had God’s full attention at all times. Yet, God said something was “not good.” Man was alone!! God then created Eve to be Adam’s wife and God said that it was very good. This story tells me that these two relationships are important to the well being of Man. I do believe that the relationship with God through Christ is the most important of all relationships. But second only to this relationship is marriage. Since these two relationships are foundational to Man, then they should intermingle. Yes, you can be a Christian and be single. Yes, you can be married and not be a Christian. But I believe if you want the most fulfilling marriage possible, then your relationship with God must impact your marriage.

How do we get to this place in our marriage? I would like to share with you three keys that will help God be the center of your marriage.

Pray Together. Praying together connects our innermost thoughts and emotions at the deepest places of our souls. Prayer is communication with God, The Father. We not only talk to Him, but we also listen to Him. He chooses our prayer lives to speak to our souls. We must be willing to listen as well as speak to God. Praying with your spouse brings him/her into your spirit person. The connection is “heavenly.” God speaks to you together which confirms your relationship.
Study the Bible Together. Our spiritual growth is encouraged and nurtured through Bible Study. Understanding the Word of God is important to knowing the Person of God as well as His purpose for our lives. Studying together helps us develop spiritually together. I have met with many couples where one spouse studies the Bible and has a deeper relationship with God than the other spouse. When this happens, there is a disconnect that leads to discontentment within the marriage. We want our relationship to be growing together, not separately. Many Christian counselors have described marriage as an isosceles triangle which means 3 equal angles and 3 equal sides. The closer you get to God, the closer you get together.
Serve God Together. As a couple, we need to serve God together. Some of the most meaningful events I have been a part of are the ones in which my wife was also a part. As a minister, that has not always been the case. I have had the opportunity to go to camps or on mission trips while my wife stayed home with our children or to go to work. Those events were OK, but I’m not sure any of them were life changing. Now the events that we were able to participate together in have been life changing. I know that I feel complete when she is with me for ministry.

These three keys to connect spiritually will open the doors to the deepest intimacy that you can ever experience. Our spiritual intimacy leads to better emotional intimacy which leads to better relational intimacy which leads to better physical intimacy. Every couple that wants to have a fulfilled marriage is seeking more intimacy. Our spiritual connection as a couple will ensure that our intimacy will grow.

Have you noticed your relationship has grown as you have prayed together? What else have you noticed that will help your spiritual connection to grow?

Bradley D. Watson, BCBT

Directed Path Ministries

Providing Hope for Troubled Times

5 Steps to Emotional Intimacy

September 11, 2014 By bwatson Leave a Comment

Many times as a marriage counselor, I have heard the phrase “he just doesn’t care about me.” Of course there have been many different variations of that phrase, but each time the same thing is meant…“We are not connected emotionally.” Emotional intimacy is one area of intimacy that is the hardest to achieve. There are a couple of reasons for this difficulty.

Most men are afraid of emotions. As young boys, we were taught that big boys don’t cry. We have been led to believe that we are not supposed to show emotion at any time. Therefore, we do not know how to handle the different aspects of our emotional lives.
Men and women think differently. Most of the time, men think logically or at least with the analytical side of their brains. Women, for the most part, think emotionally. Women actually have the ability to function with both sides of their brains at the same time. Men do not have that ability.
Women can have a tendency to rely on their emotions, while men tend to ignore their emotions.

As you can see, connecting emotionally can be very difficult. God did not wire us the same way, but at the same time, He did intend for us to “be one together.”

Empathy is the word that keeps coming to my mind as I think about Emotional Intimacy. dictionary.com identifies empathy as “the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.” In other words, empathy means “I know what you are feeling and I am feeling that with you.” This meaning is different than the word sympathy. Sympathy means “I’m feeling for you.” You can sympathize with someone without feeling empathy. Your sympathy does not always lead to an emotional connection nor does it enhance a relationship. Empathy will do both. How can we find this emotional connection? How can we develop emotional intimacy?

Create a safe environment for your spouse to share emotions. If you get mad at your spouse when he/she is upset, then you are not safe to be emotional around. If your spouse shares something that is bothering him/her, you cannot become defensive. When you show defensiveness, you are telling your mate that you do not care about their feelings. Wives need emotional security. They need to know that they are loved in spite of their feelings or emotions on that particular day.
Learn to listen between the lines. Listen for the tone of voice and watch the body language of your mate. Much of our emotions can be seen in those two areas of communication. Our words do not make up the majority of our speech, that is why it is imperative that we learn to listen for more than just the words.
Listen for understanding…not just to answer back. We, both men and women, can be guilty of listening just enough to know what we want to say next. When we are doing this, we are not truly listening. We can not understand our mate without listening with our whole self.
Learn to care about what your mate cares about. This point is trying at times. We are opposites many times. We like different things. We want to do different things. We know about different things. If we want to be emotionally connected, we have to learn about the issues that are important to our spouse. Ask questions about whatever is important…”why is this important to you?” “Can you explain this subject so that I might be able to understand?” “Can you teach me?” Do not do this sarcastically, but rather be genuine.
Learn to express yourself around your mate. No one can read the other person’s mind. I know that the longer we are together, it seems that my wife can read my mind. She actually answers some of my questions before I can finish asking them. But I know that she cannot read my mind. I have to learn to be open and honest about what I am thinking or feeling. The same is true going the other way as well. She has to be open with me about her feelings.

These five steps seem to be simple enough, right? They take a lot of time and effort on your part to truly connect with your marriage partner. Start working on these steps. Ask where you have fallen short. Listen for an honest answer, without any defense. You will begin to connect in ways that can and will transform your marriage.

How do you try to connect emotionally with your spouse?

Bradley D. Watson, BCBT

Directed Path Ministries

Providing Hope in Troubled Times

Friendship In Marriage

September 10, 2014 By bwatson Leave a Comment

Most of the couples that come into my office are in major conflict with one another. They tell me that they fight about everything. One couple even told me that they fight 24/7; that there was no peace in their lives at all. I questioned the truth of that statement, yet I knew that they really believed what they were saying. When couples get to the point that they feel that they fight all the time, they have forgotten how to be friends. Friendship is another area of intimacy that is important to the strength of marriage.

Friendship is a level of intimacy that many people neglect in their marriage. They allow the stresses of finances, work, children, and other issues to crowd out the need to relate with one another as friends. They forget to have fun together.

Here are some questions that you need to ask about your marriage.

What do you have in common? This element is very important in developing your friendship. Remember when you were in grade school when you were learning to how make friends? You would want to be around the kids that like the same things that you liked. You would want to play with whomever wanted to play the same games you did. You would talk about the same TV shows or music, etc. When you learned that you had things in common, you would be friends. That same principle worked when you were dating your spouse. You had to develop a friendship based on what you had in common. Remember talking on the phone for hours? Remember always having something to say to one another? As a couple, you have to return to those days.
What do you do to have fun? (not that kind of fun) Seriously, what do you like to do together? Do you go to the movies together? Do you dance? Maybe you work in the yard for fun. Having fun together is very important. I realize that you might have hobbies that do not include your spouse. Everyone needs to have friends. But do those friends take the place of your spouse? Do you have time to spend with just your husband or wife to have fun together away from the stresses of life.
When was your last date? A few weeks ago, I wrote on dating as a couple. You can find it here. Remember before you were married and the fun you would have on dates? My wife and I used to just go to the park and swing at times. (We were in college without a lot of money.) We looked for things to do that made us laugh together and relax. You probably did things like that as well. When was the last time you just went out to enjoy yourselves?
Do you laugh together? Laughing is very therapeutic. Laughing connects you together. Do you find the same things funny? Do you enjoy the same types of comedy?
Do you put aside your likes for your spouse’s? I know that as a couple we do not have everything in common. I would eat steak and potatoes every night, while my wife likes sushi and different pastas. I do not like a lot of slap stick comedy, but my wife does. I would watch football no matter who’s playing, but she only likes to watch it when she likes one of the teams. As a couple we must put aside our likes some of the time for the benefit of our friendship.

As you answered these questions, the level of your friendship should be evident to you. It is important that you work on your friendship by looking for things that will build your friendship. Friendship builds intimacy in your marriage.

What are some ways you build your friendship with your spouse?

Bradley D. Watson, BCBT

Directed Path Ministries

Providing Help in Desperate Times

Marital Intimacy…It’s Not Just About Sex

September 8, 2014 By bwatson Leave a Comment

What do you think about when you hear the word “intimacy?” I know that is a dangerous question to ask. Most men are going to answer with a simple word: “sex.” Women think differently mostly, but they too will answer with “sex” pretty quickly. dictionary.com uses several definitions, but the one that I liked the most is: a close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding…I realize that this definition is discussing a place, history, or a subject. I believe that this definition is also accurate for the marriage relationship, especially the detailed knowledge or deep understanding. One author defined intimacy as “in-to-me-you-see” on a marriage enrichment video series I saw several years ago.

Let’s look at the word intimacy using the definition above as it relates to marriage. The first phrase, “a close association,” describes the marriage relationship. There is no relationship closer than marriage. The Bible says that the husband and wife become one flesh in Gen. 2:24. In other words, a husband and wife should work as one. Their thoughts, desires, goals, and commitments for their marriage should be the same, or at least very similar. I am not saying that either person loses his/her individuality, but the marriage should become the main focus of each spouse.

The second phrase, “detailed knowledge,” is critical for a successful marriage. Married couples should understand one another better than any other relationship. Do you know the history of your spouse? Do you know their background? Their likes and dislikes? Their dreams…goals for their lives? What makes them tick and ticked and know the difference? The marriage relationship should carry with it the deepest knowledge a person can have of another person. Do you take the time to get to know your spouse? Don’t assume that the knowledge will just come as time goes along; ask questions and listen.

The third phrase, “deep understanding,” continues the idea of getting to know each other. As a matter of fact, husbands are told to live with their wives in an understanding way (I Pet. 3:&). When we understand our wives, we can encourage them to flourish in their lives. We provide security for them to succeed within their individuality as well as within the marriage.

Can you think of a relationship that develops as deeply as marriage? Over the next few days, I am going to look at some of the different types of intimacy within the marriage relationship. I will delve into physical, relational, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual intimacies. I hope you will join me each day and join in the discussion.

Bradley D. Watson, BCBT

Directed Path Ministries

Helping Others Using God’s Principles

Empathy…Can I Learn It?

July 16, 2014 By bwatson Leave a Comment

“I just don’t understand you at all. You are controlled by your emotions and I think that’s crazy!”

“You are as emotional as a stump!”

“You never care about what I care about. You are just selfish and only care about yourself.”

Have you ever heard statements like these? Or have you ever said anything like these?

Too many times in my practice I have heard these statements or something very similar. People make these type of statements out of frustration, aggravation, and anger. They are trying to communicate the emotional differences between the husband and the wife. Obviously, the differences are vast. Generally speaking, women are more emotional than men while men are more logical or analytical. Most of the time women are more relational than men while men are more competitive. (again generally speaking) Men like action while women like romance. I could go on about the differences between men and women because as I said they are vast. But this is not to point out the differences, but it is to show the need for empathy in marriage.

Philippians 2:3-4 (NASB95)

3 Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;

4 do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.

Empathy is very difficult for many people and yet it is the deepest form of understanding there is. While sympathy says “I care about you,” empathy says “I care with you.” In a marriage relationship, caring with your spouse about the different issues in life is paramount for the relationship to grow and thrive. In our marriage, we never want to feel that we are just surviving. One way for that to happen is to feel that our spouse is being empathetic.

How can we become empathetic?

Ask questions for understanding. Asking questions is a very good tool to use in order to understand the person you are talking to better. In order to empathize with someone, you must understand them first.
Validate the other person. Even if you do not agree with how the person feels about the situation, you still need to let them know that they are important to you. This action will also go a long way in showing empathy.
Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. How would you respond in their situation? How would react if someone told you that you were crazy? I told a couple the other day that in order to show empathy that you needed to keep a pair of your spouse’s shoes in their pockets at all times. If you are carrying your spouse’s shoes, you will find it easier to “put them on.”
Learn to accept the emotion of your spouse. This step is very difficult for men. The only emotion men really know how to show is anger and that most of the time is shown inappropriately. Romans 12:15 (NASB95) 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. This verse shows us that we can share each other’s emotions even if we do not fully understand them. This step takes practice and patience. I believe that if we truly care about our spouse, we will be willing to work toward this important step.
Finally, commit to the love that you have for your spouse. So many times we do become selfish and self-centered. When our spouse is upset at us or something that we don’t think they should be upset about, we have to remember that we love this person and they are very important to us. When we begin to work at thinking this way, we can learn to empathize.

When we learn to empathize with our spouse, our relationship will grow in its intimacy. Emotional intimacy is a level of intimacy that can and will affect all other levels of intimacy. Empathy can be learned by anyone if the time and effort is put forth.

Forgiveness and Repentance

December 12, 2012 By bwatson Leave a Comment

“My husband has been cheating on me and I do not know if I can ever forgive and forget such an act.”

“My wife talks to me with such disrespect and hatred that I’m not sure that I will ever be able to forgive and forget that.”

I know that I could continue with different scenarios, but I think you get the picture of how many people feel about forgiving someone. It is a misnomer that someone would be able to forget something that has created such hurt in his/her life. Since that is the fact, what does it mean for us to forgive someone?

Matthew 6:14-15 (NASB)
¹⁴“For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
¹⁵“But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.

Every person I know wants to be forgiven by God, therefore they struggle with the idea that they have to forgive whomever has hurt them.

We read also about God’s forgiveness: Isaiah 43:25 (NASB)
²⁵“I, even I, am the one who wipes out your transgressions for My own sake, And I will not remember your sins.
Wow!!! God says He will not remember our sins and we are supposed to forgive as He has forgiven.

Ephesians 4:31-32 (NASB)
³¹Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.
³²Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. (emphasis mine)

I want to add one more verse to the list of verses I’m using today because I think that we need to have a better understanding of how we are to forgive as well as then behave with the offender.

Luke 17:3 (NASB)
³“Be on your guard! If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him.

This verse seems to be saying something different than the other verses. I do know that the following verse tells us Luke 17:4 (NASB)
⁴“And if he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.”

In order to get a grasp on forgiving someone, we have to look at each principle that is given to us in scripture.

The first principle that we need to understand is that we have to have a attitude of forgiveness if we expect God to forgive us. As Jesus is teaching us how to pray, he includes that we must forgive so that we can be forgiven. How presumptuous it would be for us to expect God to forgive us if we are unwilling to forgive someone else. If we harbor unforgiveness, then we are not willing to be Christ-like. When we choose to be unChrist-like than God is not going to forgive us, until we repent.

The second principle that we need to understand is that God chooses not to remember our sins. God cannot forget anything. He knows every thing. I believe that when God sees us, He is looking at us through the blood of Christ that has been applied to our lives through our salvation. Therefore, He chooses to see the sacrifice and not the sin and He does not hold the sin against us because of what Jesus has done for us. We can enter into God’s presence because of this.

What does this mean for us as we forgive others? We will not forget what has occurred to us. Our minds hold on to hurts and trauma as well as special events and details. When someone has wronged us, it would then be unrealistic to ever believe that we would be able to forget. What we must do is to make a conscious effort to not hold the wrong against the person who has wronged us. This effort obviously would be easier for lesser offenses than it would be for something major. If your spouse has committed adultery, then you will have to wrong harder at not “remember” the offense.

The third principle that we need to understand is that our ability to forgives comes from our understanding of how much God has forgiven us. That understanding only comes when we truly consider the cost of our forgiveness in the first place. We are in the days of celebrating Christmas, the birth of Jesus. He had to leave heaven to be born into this world. He lived a sinless life and then died a substutionary death for us so that the penalty of sin would be paid. He then rose from the grave and then assended into heaven so that we could join Him one day. Our forgiveness cost Jesus Christ every thing. When we forgive others, we must be willing to “pay” a price.

The final principle that I believe is important for us to understand about forgiveness is that true forgiveness cannot come without repentance. Dr. Ronald Hawkins wrote that forgiveness without repentance is cheap. (Totally Sufficient, pg. 213) The word repent means to do an about face and go the other direction. Repentance carries with it an attitude of humility and a willingness to follow the guidelines that are in place. When forgiveness is offered without repentance, the offender will continue to abuse or misuse the offended. In salvation, we have the ultimate forgiveness. Our relationship with God is secure because all of our sins (past, present, and future) are forgiven. But we are told in scripture to repent and to ask for God’s forgiveness. (I John 1:9) When we sin after our salvation, the fellowship with God is broken and we must repent in order for Him to restore that fellowship. The same is true with people around us. The true fellowship of the intimate relationship of marriage or family can only be sustained when there is repentance along with forgiveness. When there is repentance, trust can be rebuilt and reconciliation can take place. Without repentance, the relationship is void of those qualities.

We must be forgiving people. We must live with an attitude of forgiveness. We also are told by Christ that we can expect repentance for true forgiveness to be given.

Spiritual Intimacy

October 7, 2012 By bwatson 4 Comments

Intimacy is a term that is used in our society to describe a sexual relationship. There is some truth with that idea, yet there is so much more involved in the term “Intimacy” that needs to be included in the definition. I would like to discuss one of the most important aspects of the term of intimacy.
As a Biblical counselor, I believe the most important aspect of intimacy in a marriage relationship is Spiritual Intimacy. As a couple, there needs to be a spiritual foundation to build the relationship on. I believe that a couple relate with one another in conjunction with how each relates with God. So lets look at this idea.
In order to build on this foundation, the first question that needs an answer is “Do you know Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior?” A relationship with God through Jesus Christ is paramount in building your spiritual intimacy. After you ask this question of yourself, you need to ask it of your mate. The Bible tells us in 2 Corinthians 6:14
14 Do not be [a]bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness? New American Standard Bible (NASB)
Once we answer these questions, we need to move on to the next step. How important is this relationship to you? Does your relationship with The Lord control your thought processes as well as your actions? Now I know that every one might be on a different level than others. I am not suggesting that everyone needs to be on the same page. I am suggesting that spouses need to be on the same page. If one person is more in tune with what the Bible says than the other one can create problems between the couple.
The final question is how do you worship together? Do you have a prayer time together? Do you attend church together? Do you serve in the church together? Yes, I understand that I am a Baptist preacher and I might sound like one as I write this. Yet, it is important to follow the guidelines that God has placed in scriptures for us. God instituted marriage at the very beginning of creation. He continues to show the importance of marriages throughout scripture. Once we understand that God wants our marriages to be fulfilling and satisfying, it is easier to follow His instructions.
God loves you and He loves marriage. His plans for your marriage are for your fulfillment as a person. God desires for your marriage to give Him glory. When a couple is following these guidelines together, their level of intimacy goes deeper than those who do not place a priority on their spirituality.

Keeping Score in Marriage

Don’t Keep Score!!

Develop The Life and Marriage You Desire