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Becoming “One” Financially

February 10, 2015 By bwatson 3 Comments

A few weeks ago, I watched an episode of The Big Bang Theory which featured a common relationship problem.  I realize that this sitcom does not offer good relationship advice.  In this particular episode, Penny and Leonard were arguing about money.  They then went to Howard and Bernadette to see if they struggle with such things.  As I watched each couple deal with their issues in such a dysfunctional way, I had to laugh at how common money problems are in a marriage.  Finally, Leonard and Penny promised each other that they would not fight about money in their upcoming marriage.  Again, I laughed.

Do you get nervous every time the bank statement comes to the house?  Do you try to hide the credit card bills?  Do you and your spouse fight regularly over the finances in your marriage?

Fighting Couple

Where does money rate on your conflict scale?  On many surveys, money is in the top two or three of conflict areas in a marriage.  In my office, money issues are talked about almost as much as any other issue.  The topic of money might just be a symptom of more serious issues, such as someone being controlling or selfish and a lack of oneness in the marriage.  (Each of those topics are for other blogs.)  Yet, we have to deal with the money issue in order to get to the root issues many times.  So let’s look at a few questions that will help in dealing with the big issues with money.

  1. How would you classify yourself when it comes to money — a spender or a saver?  Is one of you a saver while the other is a spender?  Are both of you spenders?  If that is true, you will have major problems.  Are both of you savers?  Sometimes that creates problems, because one might be saving for the future while the other is just saving for the next purchase.  Defining yourself is a good place to start when addressing the money issue.
  2. Do you have a joint account or do you have separate accounts?  In our society today with both spouses working outside of the home primarily, many couples keep “their” money separate.  I’m not advocating separate accounts or joint accounts.  I’ve seen it work and not work both ways.  The main question is “Do you agree on this issue?”  Also, do both spouses pay “equally” toward the household bills?
  3. Do you have a budget?  I know that many people believe that is an ugly word.  Budgets are so restrictive.  Budgets don’t allow for spontaneity.  Budgets take too much time.  You fill in the blank of why you do not like budgets.  Yet, budgets are tools that allow you as a couple to work toward the same financial goals as well as to make sure your bills are paid.  Budgets help you stay on track. 

Talking about these three questions will help you as you move toward oneness in the financial area of your marriage.  Being “one” financially will govern how you think about your spending as well as your saving.  

Being “one” financially will govern how you think about your spending as well as your saving.

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  Financial issues do not need to create problems for couples.  The issues should become points of connection as you work toward having a covenant marriage.

How have you dealt with the money issues in your relationship? 

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7 Common Conflict Issues in Marriage

November 4, 2014 By bwatson Leave a Comment

When we are good, we’re very good! But when we are bad, we are disastrous!!  I have heard that phrase or something similar to it from almost every couple that has come into my office.  Marriage is unique in the fact that when the relationship is good, it is very fulfilling; yet, when the relationship is not so good, marriage is frustrating and aggravating.   I have heard some people say, “I love my wife but I do not like her whatsoever!”  Everyone that has been married for any length of time has had similar feelings and thoughts about their marriage.  What causes these feelings?  Where do we go wrong when it comes to being married?

Marital Conflict

I want to give you what I consider the top seven areas of conflict in marriage.  Over the next couple of weeks, we will address each one specifically.

  1. Expectations:  When we get married, we have a set of expectations that govern our thoughts about marriage.  Either those expectations are formed by the way our parents treated their marriage, or by a fantasy that was developed while we were young.  If our parents had a good marriage, then we probably expect our marriage to be similar.  If our parents divorced or had major conflict, we develop our fantasy of what we desire.  Either way, our expectations can become a source of conflict in our marriage.
  2. Children:  I do believe that children are a gift from God.  No one is ever a mistake or a problem, yet children are something that couples fight about within marriage quite often.  Some of the topics of concern are when to have children, how many to have, how to discipline them, and how to educate them.   Then if you have children from another relationship, those issues are magnified.  Obviously, kids can be a great source of blessing and fulfillment.  Or they can be a great source of conflict.
  3. Money:  How do we budget?  What do we spend it on?  Who makes the decisions about what is spent?  How do we save?  Do we make enough?  Each one of these topics can be a source of conflict. 
  4. Time:  Everyone has the same 24 hours in a day.  Using time for yourself versus using time for your marriage is the main issue.  Everyone needs time alone, but how much?  Everyone needs to have hobbies, but do they interfere with the marriage?  Everyone has to work, but when is it enough?  Time can be a major source of conflict for a couple.
  5. Sex:  Most people do not expect the sexual relationship to be an issue when they get married.  They believe that area will be one that is very fulfilling, yet is becomes an area of frustration for many couples.  There is so much more to this area of the relationship than just being in bed together. 
  6. Family:  The extended family can create sources of conflict for a couple.  Their demands and expectations can be a strain.  The conflicts among family members can create struggles.  The physical distance between families can be a source of problems for a couple, not to mention the free advice that can be given.
  7. Communication:  We live in the information age.  We are connected through all different forms of communication.  We text, chat, tweet, post and sometimes we talk.  Even with all of that, sometimes we do not understand one another or connect with each other.

Each one of these issues can create great conflict in a marriage.  This list is not necessarily in any specific order.  It does represent the struggles that I have seen over the years in a lot of marriages.  Again, over the next couple of weeks I will address each topic in depth. 

What would you add to the list?  I would love to hear any additional topics that you would like for me to address.

Brad 2014

Bradley D. Watson, BCBT
Directed Path Ministries

After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry.  The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word to shine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.

Develop The Life and Marriage You Desire

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Financial Security for your Wife

October 11, 2012 By bwatson Leave a Comment

Have you ever noticed how many arguments take place in marriage that deal with finances? These arguments might happen on pay days or when bills are paid or maybe at the most inopportune times. These arguments are started because there is not enough money for things that we think we need or maybe because there is not enough money even to pay the bills. Money is a major contributor to conflict in today’s marriages. How can we prevent these arguments from taking place? How do we function as a couple or a family in light of all the financial needs and problems that arise?
Part of the security needs of a woman is in the financial area of her life. Many women like money…they like to spend money…they like nice things…they feel safe when there is money in the bank. Women’s level of security or insecurity can be found in how much money they have or don’t have. (Again, I am speaking in generalities. Not all women are the same.) Men, where is your wife in the money issue? Does she seem to spend money regardless of what else is happening? Does she get angry because there is not any money for her to spend? Is she upset because there is no money in savings or that you are in major debt? All of these questions can describe a single woman. Maybe your wife is not that complex and only one of the questions relate to her. I also realize that there might be more questions to ask for each wife.
So what can we do? I do not know where you are financially. I know where I am. I started a new ministry a couple years ago after being in a full-time associate pastorate for a large church. My salary was cut by about 66%. I am not complaining. I am just stating a fact. I also know how much fear was associated with my changing ministries, not only for me but also my wife, Lisa. I know what our conversations were all about and even the few arguments that ensued. Don’t worry, I’m not going to air my personal life with everyone. I just know that the past couple of years has been a trial for Lisa and me as we have had to really watch some things about our spending that we had become accustomed to not worrying about previously.
So here are some things that are needed to help your wife feel secure with you financially.
1. Pray about your finances together. Men, we need to be praying with our wives daily. Part of our prayers need to be for God’s provision in our lives. When our wives hear us pray specifically for certain things financially, they know that we are truly trusting God for those specifics.
2. Talk about your finances together. l know many women who are actually better at keeping a checkbook than men. I know women who like numbers and can crunch them very well because they are proned to be detail oriented. We need to include our wives in the financial process of our homes.
3. Budget. I know that this is an ugly word with many people. I also know that using a budget can feel like a chore for people. But, I also know that using a budget helps you keep a record of all of your spending and allows you to be able to use your money appropriately.
4. Tithe. Yes, this could have been the first statement on this list. Yes, I am a Baptist preacher who believes that everyone will have financial problems if they do not tithe. I believe that tithing is very important in our relationship with God as well as our spouse. This principle needs to become a priority for you as a couple to work toward creating the security your wife so needs.
These statements are just a couple of items that will help you create a secure financial environment for your wife as well as for you. I could suggest several more items that would go along with many of the Christian financial teachers that are popular today. I truly hope that you find these suggestions helpful in your marriage.

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