4 Questions to Develop Safeguards for Your Marriage

March 31, 2017 By bwatson 3 Comments

When the article came out that Vice-President Pence would only eat meals alone with his wife, there has been a firestorm of responses to how unrealistic and even archaic this practice is (Billy Graham had even more strict safeguards in place). Some people have expressed that because of their jobs it was impossible to get away from being alone with someone of the opposite sex for a meal at times. Some people have expressed that they have close friends that are people of the opposite sex that they enjoy a meal with from time to time. Others stated that the “rule” would not stop someone from having an affair with the avenues of communication that social media provides. A simple meal would not be the problem.

I read so many other responses that agreed with the practice. These people felt that VP Pence was honoring his wife along with his marriage and was setting a good example. Some expressed a desire to continue the same practice in their marriages – Not because there is not trust between the spouses, but rather to continue to build their marriage.

Questions for Safeguards

What is your view of marriage? Are you two individuals with two separate lives living in the same house that connect in just certain areas? Are you two working on becoming one, honoring each other and glorifying God while reflecting His love to everyone around you? Are you somewhere in between?
Do your closest friends have the same view of marriage that you do? When you talk about marriage, is there a similar value system present? Do you feel supported in your stance? Do you feel that you are always trying to defend yourself?
Do your closest friends value YOUR marriage? Brad, didn’t you just ask that question in #2? NO because some people might sound like they support marriage but at the same time might be trying to sabotage your marriage.
When you are with someone of the opposite sex, is your conversation honoring to your spouse? Would you mind if your spouse heard the conversation? Are you building your spouse up? Are you talking about how much you love your spouse and you are committed to marriage? Have you ever complained about your marriage?

Obviously these questions are not exhaustive but they are a good place to start when setting safeguards in your life to protect your marriage. Marriage is designed by God to glorify Him by showing unconditional love, forgiveness, and mercy between two people that creates a family built on a covenant that reflects His unconditional love that leads to our covenantal relationship with Him through Jesus Christ. Marriage is to make us holy in all that we do. I believe that these safeguards can help lead us toward that.

What questions would you ask to develop safeguards for your marriage?

5 Ways to Earn Respect in Your Marriage

January 11, 2017 By bwatson Leave a Comment

“I can’t get my husband to do anything around the house!”

“All my husband does is sit around watching TV while I work in the kitchen or try to help the kids with their homework.”

“I work, too, you know. Why don’t you ever help me with the work that has to be done in the house?”

“My husband leaves all of his clothes lying around the house and never puts them in the laundry basket.”

Do any of these statements sound familiar? I have heard these and many more in my office. Most of the time, the husband wants the wife to quit nagging about his behavior. He often will state that he doesn’t need a momma telling him what to do. This argument has been going on for decades since WWII when women really started working outside of the home in the factories.

Now this is not a blog on whether the wife should work outside of the home or not. That totally depends on the needs of the family.

I am addressing the issue of the man living a respectable life. You see, the woman is told in the Bible to “respect” her husband. (Eph. 5:33) When I bring that up, I hear often that he doesn’t do anything for me to respect him.

Men, is that true? Are you respectable? Too many times that statement is true. We think that since we work outside of the home and do most of the yard work, we shouldn’t have to do anything inside the house. We want our wives to pick up after us and watch “those” kids. We are tired from our day and need a break.

Even typing this is difficult. The selfishness. The Narcissism. The Male Chauvinism. All the negative characteristics that can be seen in men are riddled through that paragraph.

How can we act as men in order to be respected by our wives?

Be engaged in the family. Every day when you get home, pay attention to what is going on with each person. Ask your wife how you can help her. One author called the time when everyone gets home for the evening The Pit Hour. Don’t be selfish and get engaged.
Listen to your wife. Too many times, we listen for what we want to hear. Or we might listen so that we can “solve” the problem. I don’t know about you, but my wife solves problems often in her job. She is a teacher in a high school where she teaches students Physics. (I do not want her job at all!) Our wives want to be heard. If they want our solution, they will ask for it. Until then, LISTEN.
Do what you say you are going to do. If you tell your wife that you are going to wash a load of clothes, do it. If you tell her that you will pay the bills, do it. In the same vein, if you tell her that you will be home by a certain time, be there. If you can’t, text her to let her know. All of this comes down to being a Man of Integrity.
Don’t expect someone else (your wife) to pick up after you. Yes, sometimes she might serve your plate or even pick it up after dinner. Just, DON’T expect it. A lot of women have the natural tendency to take care of things, including their husbands. They might find fulfillment in serving. Don’t exploit that in her; rather help her by serving her at times.
Be the leader. As a Biblical Counselor, I believe the husband is the leader of the home. Sometimes, his leadership style is lacking and is not leading very well. But he is still the leader. As men, we need to step up and lead. That leadership isn’t a dictatorship or a monarchy. It is a leadership that comes out of our relationship with God that influences our relationship with our wives and our children.

I am not saying here that we can’t watch a ballgame or go hunting or go outside and work in our shop. What I am asking is, “Are you living a life that is respectable?” We desire respect more than anything else. Therefore, we must live in such a way that gives our wives something to respect.

There are many other ways a man can be respectable; what comes to your mind? I would love to read your thoughts in the comment section.

Becoming “One” Financially

February 10, 2015 By bwatson 3 Comments

A few weeks ago, I watched an episode of The Big Bang Theory which featured a common relationship problem. I realize that this sitcom does not offer good relationship advice. In this particular episode, Penny and Leonard were arguing about money. They then went to Howard and Bernadette to see if they struggle with such things. As I watched each couple deal with their issues in such a dysfunctional way, I had to laugh at how common money problems are in a marriage. Finally, Leonard and Penny promised each other that they would not fight about money in their upcoming marriage. Again, I laughed.

Do you get nervous every time the bank statement comes to the house? Do you try to hide the credit card bills? Do you and your spouse fight regularly over the finances in your marriage?

Where does money rate on your conflict scale? On many surveys, money is in the top two or three of conflict areas in a marriage. In my office, money issues are talked about almost as much as any other issue. The topic of money might just be a symptom of more serious issues, such as someone being controlling or selfish and a lack of oneness in the marriage. (Each of those topics are for other blogs.) Yet, we have to deal with the money issue in order to get to the root issues many times. So let’s look at a few questions that will help in dealing with the big issues with money.

How would you classify yourself when it comes to money — a spender or a saver? Is one of you a saver while the other is a spender? Are both of you spenders? If that is true, you will have major problems. Are both of you savers? Sometimes that creates problems, because one might be saving for the future while the other is just saving for the next purchase. Defining yourself is a good place to start when addressing the money issue.
Do you have a joint account or do you have separate accounts? In our society today with both spouses working outside of the home primarily, many couples keep “their” money separate. I’m not advocating separate accounts or joint accounts. I’ve seen it work and not work both ways. The main question is “Do you agree on this issue?” Also, do both spouses pay “equally” toward the household bills?
Do you have a budget? I know that many people believe that is an ugly word. Budgets are so restrictive. Budgets don’t allow for spontaneity. Budgets take too much time. You fill in the blank of why you do not like budgets. Yet, budgets are tools that allow you as a couple to work toward the same financial goals as well as to make sure your bills are paid. Budgets help you stay on track.

Talking about these three questions will help you as you move toward oneness in the financial area of your marriage. Being “one” financially will govern how you think about your spending as well as your saving.

Being “one” financially will govern how you think about your spending as well as your saving.

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Financial issues do not need to create problems for couples. The issues should become points of connection as you work toward having a covenant marriage.

How have you dealt with the money issues in your relationship?

Who Does The Dishes?

October 23, 2014 By bwatson Leave a Comment

I want to invite you to join me in a journey to a house of a couple in modern day America. It is around 5:30 or 6:00 pm and both the husband and wife are just getting home from their busy days at work. The kids rode the bus home from school and are busy playing around the house. It seems to be very hectic in the house. I know that the couple does not want us to be there with them because this is a very dark time during their day. Most days this time period would be described at best as chaotic, if not worse. Let’s listen in on the conversation that is taking place.

H: Honey, I’m home. What’s for dinner?

W: Glad you’re home. I just got home myself. I don’t know.

H: What do you mean you don’t know? I’m hungry.

W: So am I. What do you want?

I know that we all have either heard these types of conversations or we have had them ourselves. Usually during these conversations, arguments begin. Sometimes these arguments can truly get out of hand. Then supper becomes a bowl of cereal or a sandwich. No one is happy and supper time just became another fight for a struggling couple.

You might be thinking that your family is not like that. You have other issues that create major conflicts in your relationship. Over the next few days, I will be sharing a typical conflict that I have encountered with couples and then some solutions to that conflict. I realize that each couple’s conflicts are different just because God created us all differently. Also, no marriage is from a cookie cutter.

The first conflict I would like to examine is “Who does the dishes?”. I have been told in my office by a man “I don’t care what happens, I will never do the dishes.” And he was emphatic about the NEVER. As he said that, his wife was crying on the couch next to him. You truly could cut the tension in the room. Obviously there is more to this conflict than just dishes. So let’s delve into the conflict deeper.

One aspect of this conflict has to do with the roles between husband and wife. Traditional roles of husbands and wives have blurred over the years. As I was growing up, my mom was a stay-at-home mom and she did the majority of the housework. I do remember that on many Saturdays and Sundays my dad would either do the dishes or help do them. We as children were also expected to help. I think that it was just understood that the wife was to do the housework, including the dishes. Today, those roles are not nearly as clear as they were in previous generations. Most women are working outside of the home. It takes two incomes for many families to be able to afford to live today. Some men are actually staying home so their wives can pursue their careers. The “traditional” family is definitely in the minority in today’s society. (Although there does seem to be a trend of women choosing to be stay-at-home moms amongst young couples.)

Another aspect of this conflict has to do with your family background. If you watched both parents share in the household duties, then you probably will share with your spouse. If you grew up in a home like mine, you expect the wife to do the kitchen chores. I know that when Lisa and I first got married, I expected her to do all the cooking and cleaning up after the meal. That is what my mom did. Her dad helped in the kitchen with the cooking and the cleaning, so she expected me to help with those every day tasks. Obviously, we had conflicts concerning “Who does the dishes?”.

How do we avoid these conflicts? How can we have a relationship that is not caught in the “role” trap? There are a few steps that will help in the prevention of these fights.

Step 1: Identify your beliefs of the roles of couples. What is the husband’s role? What is the wife’s role? Can there be an overlap? Can there be sharing in the tasks associated with each role? I have couples talk about this in premarital counseling, because if you deal with this from the beginning, it should not be a major issue.

Step 2: Identify the tasks of each role. Talk about everything that needs to be accomplished with different aspects of the roles. The evening meal has several tasks tied to it: buying groceries, preparing to cook, cooking, setting the table, getting children ready to eat, clearing off the table, washing dishes, and putting the dishes up. I might have left something off of your supper routine, but this list will help you move toward a resolution.

Step 3: Assign different tasks to each person. Actually talk about what you expect from each other when it comes to supper time. While you are talking about the assignments, take into consideration work schedules. Some days, the assignments might be different than others because of the schedule. Right now at my house, we talk about my daily schedule as we plan our weekly menu. My schedule depends on how I will help with the meal or the cleanup or both.

These steps are practical suggestions to work through a “messy” situation. Who does the dishes? That depends on the needs of each person in the relationship. You should be working as one to meet the needs of each other. When we don’t focus on the needs of the couple, our relationship begins to deteriorate.

Who does the dishes at your house? Is it a source of conflict for you? How do you deal with that?

Bradley D. Watson, BCBT

Directed Path Ministries

After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry. The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word to shine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.

Develop The Life and Marriage You Desire

Keeping Score in Marriage

October 21, 2014 By bwatson 6 Comments

The Christian Marriage Bloggers Association is doing a challenge consisting of Words of Wisdom from different sources. This week’s source is to be from a friend. As I have thought about all the different marriage advice that I have received over the years, the one item that keeps coming to my mind is …

Don’t Keep Score!!

We live in such a competitive society that piece of advice can be very difficult to maintain. People compete on all levels of life now. Our society has made everything a competition. Some competitions can be fun and enjoyable. Playing miniature golf or pool should be fun and relaxing. A couple should be able to enjoy laughing and cutting up while engaging in such an innocent form of competition. Cards and board games should carry the same level of amusement for the couple. Yes, there will be a “winner,” but the key question is “Do we win as a couple as we play?”.

Keeping score during these games is natural and should be fun. Does it get so fierce that your relationship is stretched or even damaged?

Other ways that we are tempted to keep score are not as fun nor as natural as when we play games. We can be tempted to keep score on who loves the most or who does the most. The issues become points of contention in our relationship. They will cause division and not bring us together. The ultimate goal of marriage is being ONE. The one cannot compete against itself. Unity, companionship, and intimacy are all part of becoming ONE. Are you working toward that goal?

Here a few questions to ask yourself when you began thinking that your marriage is a competition.

Is my spouse my partner or my enemy? Too many times in our marriage we began to view our mate as the enemy. He/she is not the enemy! “For our struggle is not against [a]flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.” (Eph. 6:12 NASB) Don’t treat him/her as the enemy, but rather your partner or teammate.
Am I working toward Oneness? A covenant marriage is meant to reflect Christ’s relationship with the church. The church cannot function properly without Christ as the head of the church. The church will not function properly without each member doing their part within the body of Christ. The same is true for the marriage relationship. Each spouse has to do his/her part in order for the marriage to function properly. We have to function as one.
Am I focusing on Me or We? I believe that Eph. 5:21, which says “and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.” carries over into the following discussion of marriage in verses 22-33. Therefore, the role of each spouse is one of submission to each other as you would submit to Christ. If we focus on ME, we lose sight of Christ. If we focus on our spouse, we lose sight of Christ. We need to focus on WE, which includes Christ. This shift in our focus will bring about the intimacy that is truly desired.

Don’t Keep Score. Our marriage is not a competition. It is a journey toward intimacy that God planned from the very beginning. Are you working toward that goal?

Bradley D. Watson, BCBT

Directed Path Ministries

4 Questions to Develop Safeguards for Your Marriage

Questions for Safeguards

5 Ways to Earn Respect in Your Marriage

How can we act as men in order to be respected by our wives?

Becoming “One” Financially

Who Does The Dishes?

Develop The Life and Marriage You Desire

Keeping Score in Marriage

Don’t Keep Score!!

Develop The Life and Marriage You Desire

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How can we act as men in order to be respected by our wives?

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Develop The Life and Marriage You Desire

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Don’t Keep Score!!

Develop The Life and Marriage You Desire

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Purpose Statement

I provide Biblical Counseling for:

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Location & Phone Number