Relieving Holiday Stress

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Originally posted Nov. 15, 2102.  Good reminders for the upcoming holiday season.

Thanksgiving TurkeyThe holiday season is upon us. With it comes parties and gatherings along with travel and gift giving. Wow! So much to think about and so much to do. How do we handle the stress of the holidays? How do we manage to juggle the different needs and desires that come along with what is supposed to be The Most Wonderful Time of The Year?

Many people do not look forward to the holidays because of the painful memories that are associated with this time of year: divorces, deaths of loved ones, past hurts, etc. Many people have fears of what the holidays might bring. Because of the seasonal times, many people are depressed during the holidays. All of these issues can bring added stress to the holidays. So again, let me ask, “How do we handle the stress of the holidays?”

I have a few suggestions that might help you as you think about the upcoming events that can crowd our calendars.

1.  Make a plan. Sit down with your family with a calendar and talk about the upcoming events. Prioritize the events as:

  • Mandatory
  • Best if attend
  • Good if attend
  • Want to attend but not important
  • Don’t need to attend

Now you might think that everything is mandatory for you to attend. I admit that family events are very important, but sometimes hard decisions need to be made for what is the most important concerning your needs for the time. If your calendar is too crowded with events over the holidays, you can feel overwhelmed and stressed which will cause a great deal of problems for you and you will not enjoy the season at all.

2.  Make a budget. Again, sit down with you family and talk about what you can afford. Many people spend more money during this time of the year then they do any other time. Many people go into debt over Christmas, which creates many more problems in the future. Some questions that need to be answered:

  • Can we afford to travel?
  • What can we afford to purchase for each person that we buy for?
  • Can we afford to bring gifts to every party?
  • How can we do what we want to do without borrowing money?

ChristmasI know that I am asking difficult questions. I know that I ask hard questions. Some of you might think that they are unrealistic and that is fine. Everyone chooses to celebrate the holidays in a way that they want, many times without consideration of how it is affecting their family and their relationships with others much less how it will affect their finances.

3. Communicate your plan. Tell your extended family and your friends what you will be doing during the holidays. Tell them the truth about the decisions you have made. Most of the time, family and friends will understand your decisions when they are communicated properly.

I know that so much is expected during the holidays. There are family parties, work parties, school events, along with church gatherings. I know that everyone wants to do everything, go everywhere, and give as much as possible. I am giving you some suggestions to help you eliminate as much stress as possible during them. When the stress levels are down, the enjoyment levels are much higher.

Brad 2014

Bradley D. Watson, BCBT
Directed Path Ministries

After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry.  The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word to shine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.

Develop The Life and Marriage You Desire

38 Questions To Define Your Expectations

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Several months ago, I attended a marriage conference at our church that was led by Steve and Debbie Wilson.  They began the conference talking about expectations in marriage and gave three statements that explain the problems with expectations.

  • Unspoken Expectations lead to discouragement.
  • Unmet Expectations lead to disappointment.
  • Unreasonable Expectation lead to defeat.

With these statements in mind, let’s look at some questions that will help define our expectations in our marriages.

When we get married, most of the time we carry a suitcase full of expectations.  Some of those expectations are good and others are not so good.  In every marriage and pre-marriage counseling situation, I ask the couple to share their expectations of marriage.  I ask them to write them down and be as specific as they possibly can be.  I encourage them to think about the different areas of the marriage relationship and write out expectations in each area.  Most of the time couples bring back a list that includes:

  • I expect to love and be loved.
  • I expect to be best friends.
  • I expect to be able to trust my spouse.
  • I expect us to work together.

These are good expectations, but they are also very generic.  Here is a list that I have started giving to couples to help with this exercise.

questions in marriage

Questions To Define Your Expectations

Kitchen: 

  1. Who buys the groceries?
  2. Who cooks?
  3. Who cleans?
  4. Do we eat at the table as a family?
  5. How often do we eat out?

Chores:

  1. Who washes clothes?
  2. Will we have a schedule for washing clothes?
  3. Who keeps up the yard?
  4. Who cleans the house?
  5. Do the children have chores?
  6. Do the children get an allowance?
  7. How often do we vacuum, mop, etc.?

Budget:

  1. Do both spouses work outside of the home?
  2. Do we use credit cards?
  3. Do we save?
  4. Do we have separate accounts or a joint account?
  5. Do we plan for vacations or trips?
  6. Who pays the bills?
  7. Who balances the checkbook?
  8. What do we buy on credit?

Children:

  1. When do we start having children?
  2. How many children do we want?
  3. How will we discipline our children?
  4. How will we educate our children?
  5. How many outside activities will they participate in?

Romance:

  1. How often will we have date night?
  2. How often will we plan a weekend w/o kids?
  3. How often will we have sex?
  4. What are the limits to our sexual activities?

Extended Family:

  1. How often will we visit our parents?
  2. If we live in the same town, how often will we visit?
  3. If we live in separate towns, how often will we visit?
  4. What type of help will we expect from them?
  5. How much influence will we allow them to have on our relationship?
  6. If grandparents are living, the same questions apply.

Personal Time:

  1. How much time will my hobby take up?
  2. Will I have a guys/girls night out?  How often?
  3. How much alone time do I need?

There can be so many more questions that you can ask and answer to help you identify your expectations.  Talking about your expectations will help you eliminate a great deal of the conflict in your marriage.

What questions would you ask as you discuss your expectations?

Brad 2014

Bradley D. Watson, BCBT
Directed Path Ministries

After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry.  The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word to shine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.

Develop The Life and Marriage You Desire

7 Common Conflict Issues in Marriage

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When we are good, we’re very good! But when we are bad, we are disastrous!!  I have heard that phrase or something similar to it from almost every couple that has come into my office.  Marriage is unique in the fact that when the relationship is good, it is very fulfilling; yet, when the relationship is not so good, marriage is frustrating and aggravating.   I have heard some people say, “I love my wife but I do not like her whatsoever!”  Everyone that has been married for any length of time has had similar feelings and thoughts about their marriage.  What causes these feelings?  Where do we go wrong when it comes to being married?

Marital Conflict

I want to give you what I consider the top seven areas of conflict in marriage.  Over the next couple of weeks, we will address each one specifically.

  1. Expectations:  When we get married, we have a set of expectations that govern our thoughts about marriage.  Either those expectations are formed by the way our parents treated their marriage, or by a fantasy that was developed while we were young.  If our parents had a good marriage, then we probably expect our marriage to be similar.  If our parents divorced or had major conflict, we develop our fantasy of what we desire.  Either way, our expectations can become a source of conflict in our marriage.
  2. Children:  I do believe that children are a gift from God.  No one is ever a mistake or a problem, yet children are something that couples fight about within marriage quite often.  Some of the topics of concern are when to have children, how many to have, how to discipline them, and how to educate them.   Then if you have children from another relationship, those issues are magnified.  Obviously, kids can be a great source of blessing and fulfillment.  Or they can be a great source of conflict.
  3. Money:  How do we budget?  What do we spend it on?  Who makes the decisions about what is spent?  How do we save?  Do we make enough?  Each one of these topics can be a source of conflict. 
  4. Time:  Everyone has the same 24 hours in a day.  Using time for yourself versus using time for your marriage is the main issue.  Everyone needs time alone, but how much?  Everyone needs to have hobbies, but do they interfere with the marriage?  Everyone has to work, but when is it enough?  Time can be a major source of conflict for a couple.
  5. Sex:  Most people do not expect the sexual relationship to be an issue when they get married.  They believe that area will be one that is very fulfilling, yet is becomes an area of frustration for many couples.  There is so much more to this area of the relationship than just being in bed together. 
  6. Family:  The extended family can create sources of conflict for a couple.  Their demands and expectations can be a strain.  The conflicts among family members can create struggles.  The physical distance between families can be a source of problems for a couple, not to mention the free advice that can be given.
  7. Communication:  We live in the information age.  We are connected through all different forms of communication.  We text, chat, tweet, post and sometimes we talk.  Even with all of that, sometimes we do not understand one another or connect with each other.

Each one of these issues can create great conflict in a marriage.  This list is not necessarily in any specific order.  It does represent the struggles that I have seen over the years in a lot of marriages.  Again, over the next couple of weeks I will address each topic in depth. 

What would you add to the list?  I would love to hear any additional topics that you would like for me to address.

Brad 2014

Bradley D. Watson, BCBT
Directed Path Ministries

After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry.  The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word to shine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.

Develop The Life and Marriage You Desire

Celebrating My 50th Birthday

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ImageThis past weekend, I celebrated my 50th birthday. You know you never know exactly what to expect for such an occasion. My daughter, who along with her husband and son lives with me and my bride, kept asking me what I wanted for my big day. I kept putting her off by telling her that it should be her decision, not mine. All along I had in my mind things that I’ve seen at other 50th birthday parties such as black streamers, black balloons, or even black flowers as well as jokes about incontinence along with other things I won’t mention. My daughter spent the day baking a cake and cooking while my son-in-law cleaned the house and I sat watching the Ryder Cup and some of the football games I was interested in. I think my son-in-law cleaned because he hates golf and there was nothing really else to do on a rainy day. No matter what the reason behind his cleaning, it sure was nice having them do so much around the house while Lisa and I just sat around enjoying the sights and the smells.Image

Back to the day of my birthday celebration…I somewhat expected some sort of a surprise by having people invited over or my daughter insisting I leave for a while or something, but those things never happened. But the evening was not over. My son and his new bride came over for dinner and gave me along with Lisa a gift. (Lisa’s birthday is just a couple of weeks later than mine.) They also gave Danielle a gift and told us to open them at the same time. Now I am not being very observant, as I want to get along with opening my cards from every one else. Danielle is the one that is really reading the gift, which was a very nice picture book of Caleb and Lindsey’s life together. That is where the BIG surprise was. For the second year in a row, my birthday was celebrated by announcing a grandbaby on the way!!! This baby is due around Mother’s Day of 2013. Talk about mixed emotions. Here I was all geared up for the attention to be focused on me, which I have to admit that I can be childish when it comes to birthdays and special occasions. I really like to be the center of attention on those certain days. (Some might argue that is every day though.) The attention is not on my 50th birthday, but on the fact that my daughter-in-law is carrying my 2nd grandbaby. Then comes the fact that the young couple has only been married for two months and they just started trying to get things going together with work and so forth. They are still trying to find out exactly what God wants them to do. Let me tell you, I know exactly how my parents felt when we told them we were pregnant with Danielle. There was a wave of excitement long with a flood of questions. Today as I sit here writing, I am truly focusing on the excitement and not the questions.

My family is growing, not just numerically, but also spiritually as both of my children are striving to serve the Lord in their lives. Now they are serving the Lord by being parents. I have the responsibility to continue to live my life as an example to my children, their spouses, as well as their children so that our family represents a Godly family and is a beacon for all to witness God’s love and faithfulness as we live our lives for Him.

The first 50 years has been a challenge…the next how ever many years God gives me will be even more of a challenge as God continues to bless me with more responsibilities.

Deuteronomy 6:4-7 (NASB)
4 “Hear, O Israel! The LORD is our God, the LORD is one!
5 “You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.
6 “These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart.
7 “You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. 

Happy Birthday, Dad!

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Exodus 20:12 (NLT)
12 “Honor your father and mother. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the LORD your God is giving you.

Today is my dad’s 80th birthday.  We spent the weekend together in Hot Springs, Arkansas with my parents along with my sisters and their husbands celebrating this wonderful occasion.  I realize how blessed I am to still have both of my parents living at my age.  I know so many of my friends who have had parents pass away.  I just haven’t had to experience that yet.

As I think about my relationship with my dad, I have so many fond memories.  I remember at the age of six, I got for Christmas my basketball goal.  Dad taught me how to shoot the basketball properly even at such an early age.  The goal was 10ft high even for me as a six year old.  My dad was not in favor of short cuts at all.  Over the years we would spend hours playing basketball, until I started beating him in games of one-on-one.  That did not happen until I was about 15 though.  I don’t think I ever beat him in a game of horse as he was a sharp shooter.  He had me jumping rope and bouncing the ball everywhere I went.  He even sent off to UCLA for their jumping exercises when I was in Jr. High school so that I could jump fairly high.  I could dunk a volleyball at 15 and a basketball by 16.  My dad would take me to basketball games all over the area from as early as I can remember.  My mom would go with us after my sisters got older just so she could spend time with us, I think.  We went to the Rockets games when they played in Hofheinz Pavilion, which was two or three venues ago.  I remember seeing John Havlicek play against the Rockets in the play-offs and of course he shot the winning shot.  I got to see Julius Erving play as well and of course Moses Malone and Rudy Tomjanovich and Calvin Murphy.  My dad along with another friend took several of us to see the Texas High School state tournament in Austin, TX.  The main player I remember watching then was Terry Teagle who had a great high school career along with going to play at Baylor then the Lakers.  A great deal of my memories has to deal with us going to see basketball games over the years.  I also remember going to several football games with him, but the most memorable game was going to see the Dallas Cowboys play the Washington Redskins the very first year Texas Stadium was opened.  I believe that was the coldest experience of my life.

As I continue to reflect on my relationship with my dad, I remember how stern he could be.  He expected us to obey him and behave in a way that would be honoring to him and Mom along with being Christ-like.  My dad, as long as I can remember, has been a very well respected man at his church.  He has been a deacon for most of my life, if not all.  He has served on many different committees and has held many offices.  He taught us early in our lives the importance of going to church and serving God.  I remember on Sunday mornings when we got our allowance, we would fill out our offering envelopes each week together and put in our tithe from our allowance.  He led us to be tithers by example.  I know that my mom had a lot to do with my spiritual development, but today is the reflections of my dad.  My dad didn’t talk that much, but I tell people that he was like E.F. Hutton: “when he spoke, people listened.”  Just to show the impact my parents’ spiritual lives had on the three of us kids, my oldest sister is an elder in her church, my middle sister is married to an ordained minister, and I am in the ministry as well.  Now my daughter is in seminary studying to be a missionary and is marrying a man who is called to the ministry also.  My son has expressed a call on his life for God to use in a special way.  What a legacy!!!

Yes, many of my thoughts go back to the times my dad took me to watch someone else play basketball or even when he would go play in a golf tournament, I would go “be” his caddy.  I do think about the times we would play or he would coach me in basketball.  I do remember some of the tongue lashings I got for not doing some things right or talking back to him.  But more than those memories, I reflect on the fact that my parents are still married after 57 years.  They are still active in church as my dad serves as a deacon and ministers to many of the widows in his church.  My mom still sings in the adult choir and they are faithful still in Sunday School.  Yes, on a day that was celebrated three days earlier, I reflect on the fact that God blessed me with a dad that loves God, loves his wife, loves his children (now his grands & great-grands), and is leaving a legacy that will out live him for sure.

Happy Birthday Dad!!!! Thank you for being the dad that God wanted you to be.

Family Growing

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My family is growing in the way of children becoming adults and getting married.  You know as I prepare myself for the coming days, weeks, and months, I am reflecting on where we as a family have been and I am visioning where we are going.  I do not know about any of you, if you are parents, but I keep thinking about the small children running around the house in their diapers or underwear playing with that perfect laugh that only a small child can make.  I can even envision them taking their baths together and splashing around in the tub.  OK, I know that I have probably embarrassed them fully with that last memory, but what else do parents do except embarrass their children.

I can climb the memory ladder to both of them participating in Taekwondo and practicing with each other at the house.  I can also see us playing basketball in the driveway or me coaching them in children’s leagues.  I remember going on trips together over the years.  My son still owes me a trip down Space Mountain from our only trip to Disney World.  I am hoping that he makes enough money to take me back some day. J  I can see him just flying down the mountain skiing and Lisa and I were asking him to prove that he knew how to ski properly.  He would go a little ways then ask, “Now can I just go fast?”  I remember when a guy almost ran over his mom on the ski run and he wanted to “do something about it.”  He was about eight at the time.  On the same trip, my daughter wasn’t sure she wanted to ski until she received lessons from the “right” person.  I see both of my children through all the different stages of maturation and wonder where did the time go?  Knowing that in just a few short months I will not have them as dependents, but rather they will be married and beginning a new life of their own.  What a thought is that!

My heart leaps in anticipation of what will be next for them.  Part of the anticipation is pure joy while another part is questioning.  I question myself as a parent.  Did I train them in the way they should go?  Did I model good relationship qualities in front of them?  Did I point them to the Face of God no matter what the circumstances?  Did I teach them how to trust God in all things?  Did I show them unconditional love and acceptance?  I guess this list could go forever as well.  Parents, do you ever question yourselves when it comes to your parenting skills?  I would love to hear about your questions.

This whole growth pattern started several months ago as Caleb told me that he was engaged.  I immediately started asking him questions about jobs, money, school, plans, etc.  Since the initial shock, I have been praying for God to work in his life to lead him and give him wisdom.  I have seen him make tremendous strides in becoming a man.  We have had some very serious conversations and then some light ones as well.  I have enjoyed my conversations with his future bride, Leathia, as well.  I look forward to what God is going to do in their relationship.

The pattern continued a few weeks ago when a young man called me to ask if we could have lunch together.  I said yes and we met a couple of days later.  I knew that he and Danielle were seriously talking about getting married so I knew what the purpose of the meeting was.  As I sat there, I had so many thoughts of what I needed to say and what I needed to ask.  As the conversation progressed, it became very obvious that God had placed this man, David in my daughter’s life.  I felt more and more at ease as we talked.  Do I have concerns?  I have a few.  But I know that in the long run, God has put these two together and He is working in their lives.  Lisa and I even helped David set up one of the most romantic proposals I have ever witnessed.  Maybe one day we will post the video for all to see.  Danielle never knew about any of those conversations.  What an eventful time in our lives.

I guess as a parent you expect these times to come, but when they come you question if you are ready for them.  Am I ready?  I do not know if I am or not, but ready or not here they are!  I just cannot wait to see how God is going to bring The Watsons along in tHis journey and how He will use us and our new additions to further His Kingdom.

Purpose Statement

I provide Biblical Counseling for:
  • People who are hurting in their marriages and families.
  • People who are hurting emotionally and spiritually.
  • People who are seeking freedom from the bondage in their lives.

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Location & Phone Number

5411 PLAZA DR STE G
TEXARKANA, TX 75503
PHONE: (903) 244-5150


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