Can My Marriage Survive The Affair?

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I can’t believe that my wife cheated on me!! I thought we were doing OK. I knew we were having some problems…but nothing like what she thought. And now, she has been seeing another guy for the past several months. I just can’t believe it. I really thought we were OK. Can my marriage survive the affair?

I was pregnant with our second child. I know that our sex life was struggling, but I WAS PREGNANT. My husband stopped paying attention to me and I was extremely tired. Then I started noticing that he stayed gone longer and was sneaking his phone into the bathroom. He wouldn’t talk to me. Then he tells me that he’s been seeing someone else. I’m devastated!! Can my marriage survive the affair?

Over the years, I have been asked these questions from so many people. Both men and women come seeking help to navigate the stormy waters adultery has caused in their marriage.

The answer to both questions is a great big YES!!

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How can a marriage survive the greatest act of betrayal? How can we move beyond such a grievous act?

In order for the marriage to survive adultery, you need:

  1. A commitment to marriage. How do you view marriage? Do you believe like our society that marriage is something that you can throw away? Or do you have a Biblical view of marriage? God created marriage to be a lifetime covenant between a man and a woman. He is the author and the initiator of marriage. When a person commits himself/herself to a Biblical view of marriage, then his view of his/her marriage changes.
  2. A repentant spirit. The offending spouse has to be repentant. He or she cannot just say “I’m Sorry” and expect everything to be great. As the spouse is repentant, humility comes along with a willingness to be accountable. If the offending spouse continues to be dishonest and defensive, he/she is not being repentant. Psalm 51 is the best passage of scripture to view a repentant spirit.
  3. A forgiving attitude. Being able to forgive someone of adultery takes a commitment level that very few people are willing to have. The commitment has to be to God first and foremost. The ability to forgive reflects the person’s relationship with God. The Bible tells us to forgive as God through Christ has forgiven us. (Eph. 4:32) When a person thinks about his/her own betrayal towards God, then the betrayal of his/her spouse is put into a proper perspective. God’s ability to forgive is based on His perfection and His mercy. Our ability to forgive is marred by our own sinfulness. Is this easy? NO WAY!! But it is possible.
  4. Endurance. The road to healing from an affair is long and hard. There are no short cuts. Nor are there any magical formulas that enable the couple to automatically arrive at the destination of total healing. There will be days that the couple thinks, “It is not worth the effort” and will want to quit. There will be days that the couple gets some momentum and will think they can do this. The key to staying on the journey is ability to endure.

Each of these elements is important to surviving an affair. It is not as easy as just knowing the elements. The couple has to work diligently on each aspect of the relationship.

Can your marriage survive an affair? The answer is YES! If each of you is willing to work through the hardships and the hurt and pain so that you can experience the fulfillment that God’s healing will provide in the end.
I would love to hear your thoughts about this.

Getting Off the Merry-Go-Round

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In the spirit of Throw-Back-Thursday, I thought I would repost my most viewed blog. Originally posted Aug. 20, 2012

Ephesians 5:31-33

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

31  For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. 32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she[a] respects her husband.

When a couple comes into my office the very first time, I usually ask each person what the problem in their marriage is according to their opinion. Many times one or both individuals will answer with “if my spouse would change, we would be fine.” I always chuckle at remarks such as this because we as people are always quick to blame someone else so we do not have to focus on our own behavior. Even after explaining that each person in the marriage plays a role in the harmony as well as the conflict, I have had several continue to insist that the problem in the other person in the relationship.

Today, I would like to share with you that an attitude like that is most likely the main problem in the conflict. You see, when a person is unwilling to examine his/her own life and own behavior, change will not occur which means that the conflict will just be a merry-go-round with some ups and downs but always end up at the same place. I don’t know about you but merry-go-rounds are not my favorite rides at the carnival. Matter of fact, I have not been on one at the carnival or fair in about 20 years when my children needed me to ride with them.

Merry-Go-RoundSo how do you get off the merry-go-round in your marriage and begin moving toward the common goal of a harmonious relationship that is fulfilling for each person involved?

Here are several things that need to be addressed.

  1. You have to take your eyes off your spouse’s behavior. When you are focused on your spouse’s behavior, you cannot look at yourself and the role you are supposed to play. You see, the Bible gives each the husband and the wife a role to play. There has to be a balance between the two for the relationship to work properly. (Now if your spouse is being abusive or committing adultery, that is another subject all together. This discussion is for those conflicts that occur in most relationships.)
  2. You need to ask the question “What am I doing wrong?” As I have already stated that each person plays a role in the conflict as well as the cooperation. Are there areas of relationship that you could be doing things differently or better? Are you being selfish in some of your thinking? Are you more concerned about your needs than the needs of your spouse? All of these questions need to be answered. If any of them are answered “yes” then you have some work to do on your own behavior.
  3. You need to ask the question “What am I doing right?” You might be confused with this question. Sometimes a person loses sight of what is good in his/her behavior. Many individuals believe the lie that he/she is the total problem in the marriage, which is not the case. (Again, we are not dealing with adultery or abuse here.)
  4. You need to remember you are on the same team. Your spouse is not the enemy. Satan loves to bring conflict into marriages. He uses whatever means he can to separate the union that God has brought together, even if that means creating disharmony through friction. A husband and wife are to be one in spirit as well as flesh. If a couple does not remember this, the clash of the two will bring a chasm that is difficult to overcome.

When your favorite football team takes the field in a couple of weeks, I want to encourage you to notice if the offense is blaming the defense for the mistakes being made or for the losses incurred. Maybe the defense is blaming the offense for the losses. Which ever the case, that team is in trouble!! But, if when a team loses, everyone begins talking about the changes they need to make and they win as a team and lose as a team, there is hope for that team to improve. The same is true for your team of being a husband and wife. If you can identify what you are doing wrong and what you need to work on and allow your spouse to do the same, your marriage can be a winning marriage moving in the right direction of bringing God glory and you fulfillment.

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Bradley D. Watson, BCBT
Directed Path Ministries

After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry.  The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word to shine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.

Helping Others Using God’s Principles

Reconciling Relationships

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Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:32 NASB)

I know that this verse is one that many Christians learn early in their lives. (I remember memorizing this verse as a child in Vacation Bible School.) I want to delve into the meaning of this verse a little.

How many times has someone done something to offend you or hurt your feelings? Have you ever had an argument with someone knowing you were ‘right’ yet you acted very ugly in trying to prove your point? Now I know the answer to both of these questions. I know that all of us have been offended time after time, even by those whom are closest to us. I also know that we all have been in arguments that we allowed our emotions to get the best of us. So what do we do now that these things have happened? How can we learn to handle these same circumstances when they arise again?

I believe the first step in reconciling the relationship that is being effected by the past is to be forgiving. Most of the time being forgiving means forgiving yourself. I have been told several times ‘I cannot forgive myself.’ I realize that forgiving ourselves is a difficult thing to do because we cannot forget our behavior. There are many times that I am plagued with thoughts of my bad behavior or the things that I have done wrong. The negative thoughts can haunt us with doubts about ourselves for a long time if we let them. God is willing to forgive us of all our sins, even the worst ones! We have to begin looking at ourselves with God’s eyes. He is able to separate us from the sin itself. He judges us based on who we are and not what we do. We have to work on doing the same thing.

The second step in reconciling the relationship is empathizing with the other person. When you have offended someone, try putting yourself in their shoes. While doing so, answer a couple of questions about the situation from the other person’s perspective. The first question is, “How would I like it, if I were treated the same way by someone?”. The bible tells us to treat others the way we want to be treated. We call this ‘The Golden Rule’. If all of us would stop and think about how we like to be treated, our relationships would be a lot different. The second question is, “What are the circumstances that are influencing the other person’s behavior?” Now, you might be asking the importance to the second question. When we understand the other person and attempt to connect with them, we can begin to see ourselves through their eyes. When we are able to see ourselves the same way the offended does, we become more compassionate toward that person as well as more repentant. This action creates an attitude of humility and gentleness.

The third and probably the most important step is forgiving the other person. An understanding of what forgiveness means is imperative. Forgiveness is NOT forgetting. Our brains are not designed to forget certain things. Forgiveness is NOT equal to reconciliation. Just because you forgive someone does not mean that the relationship is automatically reconciled.
Forgiveness IS choosing not to hold the other person responsible of their offense. Or in another words, separating the offender from the offense; as God does for us. Forgiveness IS choosing to be willing to work on reconciling the relationship. Without forgiveness, reconciliation is impossible. Forgiveness IS a gift. A gift is given based on the giver, not the receiver. Again, just as God forgives us!
How do we forgive now? I could write a great deal about this, but in this article I want to focus on just one aspect of forgiving. We must recognize our own hurt emotions and accept them. We cannot blame the other person, or we will not forgive. When we can accept our emotions, we then want to replace the negative, hurt emotions with God’s healing and His acceptance. His love for us is unconditional and is totally founded in His character. Once we get to this point, we can forgive.

The final step in reconciling the relationship is moving toward reconciliation. Many things can be written on this subject as well; which will come later. The process includes expressing your forgiveness, seeking their forgiveness, building boundaries, and agreeing on changing behaviors. I know I could add a great deal more, which I will elaborate in the near future.

Are we willing to exemplify Ephesians 4:32? Can we be kind, tender-hearted, and forgiving? Following these steps should help!

Purpose Statement

I provide Biblical Counseling for:
  • People who are hurting in their marriages and families.
  • People who are hurting emotionally and spiritually.
  • People who are seeking freedom from the bondage in their lives.

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