4 Questions To Ask About Your Sexual Desires in Marriage

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I believe that everyone would agree that the sexual relationship between a husband and a wife is one of the most important aspects of a marriage.  I do Couple in Bednot believe that it is the most important, but it is in the top two or three.  I believe that the sexual relationship is a barometer of all other aspects of the marriage.  With that being said, I have been asked by several couples about the limits of their sexual experiences.  The questions have been, “My husband would like to do _______ and I am not sure I am comfortable with it.  How should we approach it?”  Or, “I think ______ would be interesting and fun.  How do I get my husband(wife) to try it?”  You might wonder if people really have asked me these questions, and the answer is “YES.”  But they FILLED in the blank.  For a 50+ year-old, very conservative man, I can tell you that those conversations were not my most favorite.  Yet, I realize that in our sex-crazed world these are issues that are being dealt with in Christian marriages.  There are several blogs that handle sexual issues explicitly.  Here are a couple that I read regularly.

Sex Within Marriage

The Generous Husband & The Generous Wife

Hot,Holy, & Humorous

There are many more. You can find them at Christian Marriage Bloggers Association.

These are some good resources for some of the more taboo subjects as well as some How To’s for married couples.

I want to share with you some of the talking points when it comes to these taboo subjects. 

  1. Are you being selfish?  Many sexual acts are extremely selfish.  The sexual relationship is designed for both partners to be satisfied and fulfilled.  Certain acts do not bring the same satisfaction to both partners.
  2. Are you both comfortable?  Do either of you feel degraded by performing certain acts?  I realize that stretching one’s comfort zone might be important to keep things from getting stale, but both partners need to be in agreement to how far the zone is stretched.
  3. Why do you want to try the new position/act?  Where did you learn it from?  If you have been watching porn, you need to realize that your spouse probably is not going to feel the same excitement of certain aspects of your requests.  You need to be conscientious of your mate’s desires as well as her/his inhibitions.
  4. Is it honoring to your bodies?  Finally, we are the temple of God.  We need to treat our body along with our mate’s body as such.Hebrews 13-4

Remember, God created sex in the Garden of Eden for several reasons.  One of those reasons is the enjoyment of each other.  Talk about your sex life, pray about your sex life, and enjoy your sex life.

Can you think of other questions that might help you deal with issues of one spouse wanting something that the other spouse has not tried or does not want?

Brad 2014Bradley D. Watson, BCBT

Directed Path Ministries

After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry.  The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word toshine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.

Develop The Life and Marriage You Desire

Can I Ever Understand My Wife?

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Oscar Wilde Quote

This quote is a typical man’s thought, but I think differently.

A man came into my office one day truly upset about the way his marriage was going.  He sat down and began to relate to me the difficulty he was having even carrying on a conversation with his wife.  After a few minutes of sharing his frustrations, he blurted out “I just don’t understand her!!”  “She is different than me in every area.  She thinks differently, talks differently, and acts differently,” he continued.  He concluded with, “I just don’t know what I am going to do.”

After listening to him for several minutes, I finally told him that I understood exactly how he felt.  I told him that I had struggled and continue to struggle at times in this department…But there is hope for all men!!  I know that statement is true because I Pet. 3:7 says “You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way,…”  If God’s Word tells us to do something, that must mean that it is possible.  Now I know that not all men will take the time and make the effort to understand their wives, but it is possible.  Let’s look at some ways that help us to be more understanding.

  1.  Listen to them.  Most men tune their wives out as she relates to him the events of her day.  They begin to think of things to do or to say to shorten the conversation.  One thing that ends a conversation quickly is pulling out the phone while she is talking to you. (Unfortunately, I learned this lesson the hard way.)  Your wife is not trying to bore you with details.  ConversationShe is sharing with you what is important to her.
  2. Ask questions.  I know…I know…men do not like to ask questions.  They think is a sign of weakness if they ask questions.  I have often wondered where we get these notions.  Questions are a wonderful tool to use to get to know someone.  When we talk to people we just met, we ask questions about their lives, work, children, etc.  We need to do the same with our wives.  Ask her about her dreams, likes, dislikes, as well as her expectations.  Be as specific as you want your relationship to grow to a deeper level.  No one wants a mediocre marriage, do they?
  3. Take interest in her interests.  This step has been difficult for me, yet it also has been rewarding.  I have gone to museums, plays, and to Japanese restaurants that serve sushi because that is what my wife likes to do.  I am not much into any of that, but I am into my wife.  Almost every time, I’ve ended up truly enjoying myself and I know that she enjoyed herself.

These three steps are starting point for all men to understand their wives.  Men, do you want to have a growing relationship with the person you have vowed to spend the rest of your life with?  Get to know her.  Learn to understand her.  When you do, your marriage will flourish.  If you don’t, your marriage will stagnate.  I believe it is your choice.

I would love to hear how you have learned to understand your wife.  Please leave your comments below.

Purpose Statement

I provide Biblical Counseling for:
  • People who are hurting in their marriages and families.
  • People who are hurting emotionally and spiritually.
  • People who are seeking freedom from the bondage in their lives.

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