Navigating the Storms of Life as a Couple

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I grew up on the Gulf Coast in Southeast Texas and storms were a way of life there. We had thunderstorms often as well as the occasional Tropical Storm.  I remember one storm in particular that several of us were playing in our garage because of the rain and all of a sudden lightening struck our house. What a tremendous flash and lots of fear that went along with it. The lightening strike created some damage to the house and fear, but did not destroy the house.

Another storm that I remember several years later was one that was not expected at all. I was sailing with a friend and her family when all of a sudden a storm blew up over the horizon. The father began giving us instructions on how to navigate through the rough waters and wind in order to out run the storm to our safety. Without his experience in sailing, we would have been caught in the middle of a potentially bad situation.  We know that storms are a part of life, but many times we are surprised by them and do not navigate them well at all.

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Men and women handle storms differently. Now, I know that doesn’t come as a shock to you if you have been married for any amount of time. Men and women do just about everything differently from one another. They speak differently, relate differently, even eat differently. I could go on about the differences between men and women, but today I want to focus on handling difficulties in life.

As you think about your marriage, think about the difficulties you have been through: Illnesses of children, job difficulties, extended family conflicts and the list could go on and on.  How did you handle each of them?  More than likely the man withdrew from his wife, while his wife wanted to connect with her husband. Men tend to withdraw and attempt to resolve the conflict in his mind before he includes anyone else into the equation.  Women, on the other hand, want to include others in the resolving stage.

Here are some thoughts about how to navigate difficult times as a couple.

  • Tell your spouse when you are having a difficult time. Men and women, alike, need to inform the other about what is going on in your life. We are not in this alone, but as one. Let your spouse know what you think about the difficulty. Allow him/her into your thoughts and feelings. It will bring you closer to each other.
  • Ask for help. Ask your spouse to help you in your difficulty. Ask for their thoughts and feelings and any suggestions that they might have to deal with your situation. Remember, you are in life together.
  • Make a plan together. It is important that each of you work toward a resolution. It might be “your” difficulty, but “what is mine is yours and what is yours is mine’ describes the marriage relationship.
  • Pray together. This step should be the first step. Take your difficulty to God together. God has a solution for the storm in order to bring peace in your life. God’s peace and solution will bring a new level of intimacy into your marriage. 

These four steps will help you navigate the storms in life as a married couple. A lot of couples attempt to do things as individuals and therefore they end up single. When we decide to work together as a couple and focus on being “one flesh,” our relationship will be strengthened through the difficulties of life.

When we decide to work together & focus on being “1 flesh,” our relationship will be strengthened through the storms.

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John 16:33 (NLT) 33 I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”

7 Steps to Move Your Marriage Expectations to Reality

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Expecations“Marriage is just not what I expected!”  “I thought our marriage would be so much different than what it is.”  “My husband is nothing like what I expected him to be.”  “I expected our marriage to be full of love, fun, and romance, but it’s not at all.”  During the many marriage counseling sessions that I have conducted over the years, I have heard these complains along with many others.  So many times as we enter into our marriage, we have high expectations or maybe even fantastic expectations (unrealistic unless you are in a fantasy world.)

One of the many talking points in marriage counseling is expectations of a great marriage.  I ask couples to take time to think about what characterizes a great marriage.  Some of those answers include:  friendship, partnership, good communication, good sexual relationship, trips, children and several more along the same line of thinking.  I ask each couple to describe their list of expectations and then to compare with their spouse.  Even in very tumultuous relationships, the expectations can be very similar.  I would like to give you some thoughts of how to move your marriage from where it is today to where you expected it to be when you got married.

  1. Make a list of your expectations.  Be as specific as you feel you need to be.  If you expect your wife to cook every meal, write it down.  If you expect your husband to help with the household chores, write that down.  If you expect to have sex daily, write that down.  Write the number of children you desire.  Write where you expect to live.  I think you understand at this point; Be Specific.
  2. Prioritize your list.  After you compile your list of expectations, take the time to put them in order based on their importance to you.  Use three groupings:

    Must-Have:  You will not compromise on these. 

    Would-Like-To-Have:  These are important, but somewhat flexible.

    Would-Be-Nice-To-Have-But-Not-Necessary:  These are nice, but you can do without them.

  3. Share your list with your spouse and compare.  Take the time to sit down together and exchange your lists.  This time is not to create argument or even to pass blame for your marital problems.  It is a time for you to spend together, attempting to build understanding with each other.  Many marriages are characterized by frustration and disappointment.  These emotions can come from expectations not being met.  You want your marriage to be enriched from this exercise, not more conflict to arise.
  4. Communicate your thoughts and feelings about your spouse’s list.  You might think that some of the expectations are unrealistic.  You might have thought you were already meeting some.  Be honest but loving as you work through this part of the exercise.  Again, you do not want to pass blame.  You want your mate to know that you love them and want them to be fulfilled in your marriage.
  5. Choose one expectation from each list to work on together.  I would suggest that you choose one from the Must-Have category.  This way you will show your mate how Expectations:Realityserious you are about meeting the expectations that you have.  Talk about how you would like to see the expectation met.  What changes need to be made in your marriage?  What changes need to be made in each person?
  6. Set a time frame to reevaluate.  Most of the time, you can’t just do something once and be done.  How well are you doing over a month’s period of time?  Are the changes evident?  Is your mate happier?  Is there less frustration in your marriage?  Can you move to the next expectation on the list?
  7. Repeat #’s 5 & 6.  Continue this process until you believe you are on the way to a very fulfilling relationship.

I pray that your marriage grows and is fully enriched with this exercise.

What have you done to help meet your spouse’s expectations?  Share in the comment section below.

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Bradley D. Watson, BCBT
Directed Path Ministries

After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry.  The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word to shine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.

Helping Others Using God’s Principles

Financial Security for your Wife

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Have you ever noticed how many arguments take place in marriage that deal with finances? These arguments might happen on pay days or when bills are paid or maybe at the most inopportune times. These arguments are started because there is not enough money for things that we think we need or maybe because there is not enough money even to pay the bills. Money is a major contributor to conflict in today’s marriages. How can we prevent these arguments from taking place? How do we function as a couple or a family in light of all the financial needs and problems that arise?
Part of the security needs of a woman is in the financial area of her life. Many women like money…they like to spend money…they like nice things…they feel safe when there is money in the bank. Women’s level of security or insecurity can be found in how much money they have or don’t have. (Again, I am speaking in generalities. Not all women are the same.) Men, where is your wife in the money issue? Does she seem to spend money regardless of what else is happening? Does she get angry because there is not any money for her to spend? Is she upset because there is no money in savings or that you are in major debt? All of these questions can describe a single woman. Maybe your wife is not that complex and only one of the questions relate to her. I also realize that there might be more questions to ask for each wife.
So what can we do? I do not know where you are financially. I know where I am. I started a new ministry a couple years ago after being in a full-time associate pastorate for a large church. My salary was cut by about 66%. I am not complaining. I am just stating a fact. I also know how much fear was associated with my changing ministries, not only for me but also my wife, Lisa. I know what our conversations were all about and even the few arguments that ensued. Don’t worry, I’m not going to air my personal life with everyone. I just know that the past couple of years has been a trial for Lisa and me as we have had to really watch some things about our spending that we had become accustomed to not worrying about previously.
So here are some things that are needed to help your wife feel secure with you financially.
1. Pray about your finances together. Men, we need to be praying with our wives daily. Part of our prayers need to be for God’s provision in our lives. When our wives hear us pray specifically for certain things financially, they know that we are truly trusting God for those specifics.
2. Talk about your finances together. l know many women who are actually better at keeping a checkbook than men. I know women who like numbers and can crunch them very well because they are proned to be detail oriented. We need to include our wives in the financial process of our homes.
3. Budget. I know that this is an ugly word with many people. I also know that using a budget can feel like a chore for people. But, I also know that using a budget helps you keep a record of all of your spending and allows you to be able to use your money appropriately.
4. Tithe. Yes, this could have been the first statement on this list. Yes, I am a Baptist preacher who believes that everyone will have financial problems if they do not tithe. I believe that tithing is very important in our relationship with God as well as our spouse. This principle needs to become a priority for you as a couple to work toward creating the security your wife so needs.
These statements are just a couple of items that will help you create a secure financial environment for your wife as well as for you. I could suggest several more items that would go along with many of the Christian financial teachers that are popular today. I truly hope that you find these suggestions helpful in your marriage.

Communication Pt. 2

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ImageIn Communication Pt. 1, I focused on the need to just talk to one another as well as the need to talk face to face so that eye contact was made during the conversations. In Pt. 2, I want to focus on the words that are used and how they are to be used while we communicate.

“What is the big deal about what words are used?” I am glad you asked that question. You see, men and women do not speak the say language. Yes, if you are reading this that means you understand English (my version of English, anyways) and I know both men and women are reading this. (At least I think both men and women read my blog.) What I mean by speaking different languages is that men and women use language differently and are motivated differently. Understand that as I write this, I can name some individuals that do not necessarily fit into the generalizations that I will be making. But those individuals are the exceptions to the rule and not the norm. The lines are being broken down more and more between the way God create male and female, yet the principles of male and female are still and always will be the same.

Now, let me get back to how to communicate between men and women. Men speak most of the time to compete with someone. Have you ever noticed how men get together to talk about the latest fishing trip, last night’s sporting event, or even their sales account that they have landed? Every thing is so full of competition with or against the people they are talking with. You know, we can even keep score at how many times we’ve done the dishes or washed some clothes. We men like to compete with whom we talk.

Women on the other hand like to complete the person they are talking with. Women are always looking for connecting points to the person. My daughter-in-law is pregnant with my second grandchild and when she told my family, my daughter began connecting with everything that is going on. She asked about morning sickness and then what kind of plans she had for the birth, etc. You see my daughter just gave birth a few months ago, so all of this was fresh. My wife joined in the conversion, because of course she too could connect with her.

A second way that men and women differ is that men like to give a report while women like to build a rapport. When you ask a man how was his day, he will tell you what he did and who he talked to. Ask a woman the same thing; she will add stories and details.

A third way that men and women differ in their speech is that men use action words while women use emotional words. Men like to do things and fix things while women like to feel. Now again, I know that these general statements are not true in every relationship. Your husband might be very emotional and can’t fix anything, while you like to carry the electric drill and fix everything in and around your house. Or both of you are very competitive and have to win at all costs. But for the most part, these generalized statements help us to understand the differences in the way men and women communicate.

Several years ago, there was a very large movement to help women learn to speak in a man’s business world. One book was even entitled Gender Talk, which was a book written specifically for the business woman along with the business man trying to succeed in the business world as the gender lines were being crossed. John Gray wrote Mars and Venus Together Forever in which he described the differences in how men and women speak to one another. I am not recommending either of these books, but I am mentioning them to show how we have come to realize that the skills of communication not only deal with being able to talk and listen, but also we need to learn to “hear and understand” the language of our spouse…because they are speaking differently than you.

1 Peter 3:7a (NASB) 
7 You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way…

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Purpose Statement

I provide Biblical Counseling for:
  • People who are hurting in their marriages and families.
  • People who are hurting emotionally and spiritually.
  • People who are seeking freedom from the bondage in their lives.

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5411 PLAZA DR STE G
TEXARKANA, TX 75503
PHONE: (903) 244-5150


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