Expectations Archives - Directed Path Ministries

38 Questions To Define Your Expectations

November 5, 2014 By bwatson Leave a Comment

Several months ago, I attended a marriage conference at our church that was led by Steve and Debbie Wilson. They began the conference talking about expectations in marriage and gave three statements that explain the problems with expectations.

Unspoken Expectations lead to discouragement.
Unmet Expectations lead to disappointment.
Unreasonable Expectation lead to defeat.

With these statements in mind, let’s look at some questions that will help define our expectations in our marriages.

When we get married, most of the time we carry a suitcase full of expectations. Some of those expectations are good and others are not so good. In every marriage and pre-marriage counseling situation, I ask the couple to share their expectations of marriage. I ask them to write them down and be as specific as they possibly can be. I encourage them to think about the different areas of the marriage relationship and write out expectations in each area. Most of the time couples bring back a list that includes:

I expect to love and be loved.
I expect to be best friends.
I expect to be able to trust my spouse.
I expect us to work together.

These are good expectations, but they are also very generic. Here is a list that I have started giving to couples to help with this exercise.

Questions To Define Your Expectations

Kitchen:

Who buys the groceries?
Who cooks?
Who cleans?
Do we eat at the table as a family?
How often do we eat out?

Chores:

Who washes clothes?
Will we have a schedule for washing clothes?
Who keeps up the yard?
Who cleans the house?
Do the children have chores?
Do the children get an allowance?
How often do we vacuum, mop, etc.?

Budget:

Do both spouses work outside of the home?
Do we use credit cards?
Do we save?
Do we have separate accounts or a joint account?
Do we plan for vacations or trips?
Who pays the bills?
Who balances the checkbook?
What do we buy on credit?

Children:

When do we start having children?
How many children do we want?
How will we discipline our children?
How will we educate our children?
How many outside activities will they participate in?

Romance:

How often will we have date night?
How often will we plan a weekend w/o kids?
How often will we have sex?
What are the limits to our sexual activities?

Extended Family:

How often will we visit our parents?
If we live in the same town, how often will we visit?
If we live in separate towns, how often will we visit?
What type of help will we expect from them?
How much influence will we allow them to have on our relationship?
If grandparents are living, the same questions apply.

Personal Time:

How much time will my hobby take up?
Will I have a guys/girls night out? How often?
How much alone time do I need?

There can be so many more questions that you can ask and answer to help you identify your expectations. Talking about your expectations will help you eliminate a great deal of the conflict in your marriage.

What questions would you ask as you discuss your expectations?

Bradley D. Watson, BCBT

Directed Path Ministries

After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry. The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word to shine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.

Develop The Life and Marriage You Desire

7 Common Conflict Issues in Marriage

November 4, 2014 By bwatson Leave a Comment

When we are good, we’re very good! But when we are bad, we are disastrous!! I have heard that phrase or something similar to it from almost every couple that has come into my office. Marriage is unique in the fact that when the relationship is good, it is very fulfilling; yet, when the relationship is not so good, marriage is frustrating and aggravating. I have heard some people say, “I love my wife but I do not like her whatsoever!” Everyone that has been married for any length of time has had similar feelings and thoughts about their marriage. What causes these feelings? Where do we go wrong when it comes to being married?

I want to give you what I consider the top seven areas of conflict in marriage. Over the next couple of weeks, we will address each one specifically.

Expectations: When we get married, we have a set of expectations that govern our thoughts about marriage. Either those expectations are formed by the way our parents treated their marriage, or by a fantasy that was developed while we were young. If our parents had a good marriage, then we probably expect our marriage to be similar. If our parents divorced or had major conflict, we develop our fantasy of what we desire. Either way, our expectations can become a source of conflict in our marriage.
Children: I do believe that children are a gift from God. No one is ever a mistake or a problem, yet children are something that couples fight about within marriage quite often. Some of the topics of concern are when to have children, how many to have, how to discipline them, and how to educate them. Then if you have children from another relationship, those issues are magnified. Obviously, kids can be a great source of blessing and fulfillment. Or they can be a great source of conflict.
Money: How do we budget? What do we spend it on? Who makes the decisions about what is spent? How do we save? Do we make enough? Each one of these topics can be a source of conflict.
Time: Everyone has the same 24 hours in a day. Using time for yourself versus using time for your marriage is the main issue. Everyone needs time alone, but how much? Everyone needs to have hobbies, but do they interfere with the marriage? Everyone has to work, but when is it enough? Time can be a major source of conflict for a couple.
Sex: Most people do not expect the sexual relationship to be an issue when they get married. They believe that area will be one that is very fulfilling, yet is becomes an area of frustration for many couples. There is so much more to this area of the relationship than just being in bed together.
Family: The extended family can create sources of conflict for a couple. Their demands and expectations can be a strain. The conflicts among family members can create struggles. The physical distance between families can be a source of problems for a couple, not to mention the free advice that can be given.
Communication: We live in the information age. We are connected through all different forms of communication. We text, chat, tweet, post and sometimes we talk. Even with all of that, sometimes we do not understand one another or connect with each other.

Each one of these issues can create great conflict in a marriage. This list is not necessarily in any specific order. It does represent the struggles that I have seen over the years in a lot of marriages. Again, over the next couple of weeks I will address each topic in depth.

What would you add to the list? I would love to hear any additional topics that you would like for me to address.

Bradley D. Watson, BCBT

Directed Path Ministries

Develop The Life and Marriage You Desire

7 Steps to Move Your Marriage Expectations to Reality

August 27, 2014 By bwatson Leave a Comment

“Marriage is just not what I expected!” “I thought our marriage would be so much different than what it is.” “My husband is nothing like what I expected him to be.” “I expected our marriage to be full of love, fun, and romance, but it’s not at all.” During the many marriage counseling sessions that I have conducted over the years, I have heard these complains along with many others. So many times as we enter into our marriage, we have high expectations or maybe even fantastic expectations (unrealistic unless you are in a fantasy world.)

One of the many talking points in marriage counseling is expectations of a great marriage. I ask couples to take time to think about what characterizes a great marriage. Some of those answers include: friendship, partnership, good communication, good sexual relationship, trips, children and several more along the same line of thinking. I ask each couple to describe their list of expectations and then to compare with their spouse. Even in very tumultuous relationships, the expectations can be very similar. I would like to give you some thoughts of how to move your marriage from where it is today to where you expected it to be when you got married.

Make a list of your expectations. Be as specific as you feel you need to be. If you expect your wife to cook every meal, write it down. If you expect your husband to help with the household chores, write that down. If you expect to have sex daily, write that down. Write the number of children you desire. Write where you expect to live. I think you understand at this point; Be Specific.
Prioritize your list. After you compile your list of expectations, take the time to put them in order based on their importance to you. Use three groupings:
Must-Have: You will not compromise on these.

Would-Like-To-Have: These are important, but somewhat flexible.

Would-Be-Nice-To-Have-But-Not-Necessary: These are nice, but you can do without them.
Share your list with your spouse and compare. Take the time to sit down together and exchange your lists. This time is not to create argument or even to pass blame for your marital problems. It is a time for you to spend together, attempting to build understanding with each other. Many marriages are characterized by frustration and disappointment. These emotions can come from expectations not being met. You want your marriage to be enriched from this exercise, not more conflict to arise.
Communicate your thoughts and feelings about your spouse’s list. You might think that some of the expectations are unrealistic. You might have thought you were already meeting some. Be honest but loving as you work through this part of the exercise. Again, you do not want to pass blame. You want your mate to know that you love them and want them to be fulfilled in your marriage.
Choose one expectation from each list to work on together. I would suggest that you choose one from the Must-Have category. This way you will show your mate how serious you are about meeting the expectations that you have. Talk about how you would like to see the expectation met. What changes need to be made in your marriage? What changes need to be made in each person?
Set a time frame to reevaluate. Most of the time, you can’t just do something once and be done. How well are you doing over a month’s period of time? Are the changes evident? Is your mate happier? Is there less frustration in your marriage? Can you move to the next expectation on the list?
Repeat #’s 5 & 6. Continue this process until you believe you are on the way to a very fulfilling relationship.

I pray that your marriage grows and is fully enriched with this exercise.

What have you done to help meet your spouse’s expectations? Share in the comment section below.

Bradley D. Watson, BCBT

Directed Path Ministries

38 Questions To Define Your Expectations