5 Steps to Emotional Intimacy

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IntimacyMany times as a marriage counselor, I have heard the phrase “he just doesn’t care about me.”  Of course there have been many different variations of that phrase, but each time the same thing is meant…“We are not connected emotionally.”  Emotional intimacy is one area of intimacy that is the hardest to achieve.  There are a couple of reasons for this difficulty. 

  • Most men are afraid of emotions.  As young boys, we were taught that big boys don’t cry.  We have been led to believe that we are not supposed to show emotion at any time.  Therefore, we do not know how to handle the different aspects of our emotional lives.
  • Men and women think differently.  Most of the time, men think logically or at least with the analytical side of their brains.  Women, for the most part, think emotionally.  Women actually have the ability to function with both sides of their brains at the same time.  Men do not have that ability.
  • Women can have a tendency to rely on their emotions, while men tend to ignore their emotions.

As you can see, connecting emotionally can be very difficult.  God did not wire us the same way, but at the same time, He did intend for us to “be one together.”

Empathy is the word that keeps coming to my mind as I think about Emotional Intimacy.  dictionary.com identifies empathy as “the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.”  In other words, empathy means “I know what you are feeling and I am feeling that with you.”  This meaning is different than the word sympathy.  Sympathy means “I’m feeling for you.”  You can sympathize with someone without feeling empathy.  Your sympathy does not always lead to an emotional connection nor does it enhance a relationship.  Empathy will do both.  How can we find this emotional connection?  How can we develop emotional intimacy?

  1. Create a safe environment for your spouse to share emotions.  If you get mad at your spouse when he/she is upset, then you are not safe to be emotional around.  If youHearing for Understandingr spouse shares something that is bothering him/her, you cannot become defensive.  When you show defensiveness, you are telling your mate that you do not care about their feelings.  Wives need emotional security.  They need to know that they are loved in spite of their feelings or emotions on that particular day.
  2. Learn to listen between the lines.  Listen for the tone of voice and watch the body language of your mate.  Much of our emotions can be seen in those two areas of communication.    Our words do not make up the majority of our speech, that is why it is imperative that we learn to listen for more than just the words.
  3. Listen for understanding…not just to answer back.  We, both men and women, can be guilty of listening just enough to know what we want to say next.  When we are doing this, we are not truly listening.  We can not understand our mate without listening with our whole self.
  4. Learn to care about what your mate cares about.  This point is trying at times.  We are opposites many times.  We like different things.  We want to do different things.  We know about different things.  If we want to be emotionally connected, we have to learn about the issues that are important to our spouse.  Ask questions about whatever is important…”why is this important to you?”  “Can you explain this subject so that I might be able to understand?”  “Can you teach me?”  Do not do this sarcastically, but rather be genuine.
  5. Learn to express yourself around your mate.  No one can read the other person’s mind.  I know that the longer we are together, it seems that my wife can read my mind.  She actually answers some of my questions before I can finish asking them.  But I know that she cannot read my mind.  I have to learn to be open and honest about what I am thinking or feeling.  The same is true going the other way as well.  She has to be open with me about her feelings. 

These five steps seem to be simple enough, right?  They take a lot of time and effort on your part to truly connect with your marriage partner.  Start working on these steps.  Ask where you have fallen short.  Listen for an honest answer, without any defense.  You will begin to connect in ways that can and will transform your marriage.Listening

How do you try to connect emotionally with your spouse?

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Bradley D. Watson, BCBT
Directed Path Ministries

After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry.  The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word to shine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.

Providing Hope in Troubled Times

Marital Intimacy…It’s Not Just About Sex

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IntimacyWhat do you think about when you hear the word “intimacy?”  I know that is a dangerous question to ask.  Most men are going to answer with a simple word:  “sex.”  Women think differently mostly, but they too will answer with “sex” pretty quickly.  dictionary.com uses several definitions, but the one that I liked the most is: a close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding…I realize that this definition is discussing a place, history, or a subject.  I believe that this definition is also accurate for the marriage relationship, especially the detailed knowledge or deep understanding. One author defined intimacy as “in-to-me-you-see” on a marriage enrichment video series I saw several years ago.

Let’s look at the word intimacy using the definition above as it relates to marriage.  The first phrase, “a close association,” describes the marriage relationship.  There is no relationship closer than marriage.  The Bible says that the husband and wife become one flesh in Gen. 2:24.  In other words, a husband and wife should work as one.  Their thoughts, desires, goals, and commitments for their marriage should be the same, or at least very similar.  I am not saying that either person loses his/her individuality, but the marriage should become the main focus of each spouse.

The second phrase, “detailed knowledge,” is critical for a successful marriage.  Married couples should understand one another better than any other relationship.  Do you know the history of your spouse?  Do you know their background?  Their likes and dislikes?  Their dreams…goals for their lives?  What makes them tick and ticked and know the difference?  The marriage relationship should carry with it the deepest knowledge a person can have oHolding Hands Intimatelyf another person.  Do you take the time to get to know your spouse?  Don’t assume that the knowledge will just come as time goes along; ask questions and listen.

The third phrase, “deep understanding,” continues the idea of getting to know each other.  As a matter of fact, husbands are told to live with their wives in an understanding way (I Pet. 3:&).  When we understand our wives, we can encourage them to flourish in their lives.  We provide security for them to succeed within their individuality as well as within the marriage.  

Can you think of a relationship that develops as deeply as marriage?  Over the next few days, I am going to look at some of the different types of intimacy within the marriage relationship.  I will delve into physical, relational, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual intimacies.  I hope you will join me each day and join in the discussion.

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Bradley D. Watson, BCBT
Directed Path Ministries

After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry.  The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word to shine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.

Helping Others Using God’s Principles

Can I Ever Understand My Wife?

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Oscar Wilde Quote

This quote is a typical man’s thought, but I think differently.

A man came into my office one day truly upset about the way his marriage was going.  He sat down and began to relate to me the difficulty he was having even carrying on a conversation with his wife.  After a few minutes of sharing his frustrations, he blurted out “I just don’t understand her!!”  “She is different than me in every area.  She thinks differently, talks differently, and acts differently,” he continued.  He concluded with, “I just don’t know what I am going to do.”

After listening to him for several minutes, I finally told him that I understood exactly how he felt.  I told him that I had struggled and continue to struggle at times in this department…But there is hope for all men!!  I know that statement is true because I Pet. 3:7 says “You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way,…”  If God’s Word tells us to do something, that must mean that it is possible.  Now I know that not all men will take the time and make the effort to understand their wives, but it is possible.  Let’s look at some ways that help us to be more understanding.

  1.  Listen to them.  Most men tune their wives out as she relates to him the events of her day.  They begin to think of things to do or to say to shorten the conversation.  One thing that ends a conversation quickly is pulling out the phone while she is talking to you. (Unfortunately, I learned this lesson the hard way.)  Your wife is not trying to bore you with details.  ConversationShe is sharing with you what is important to her.
  2. Ask questions.  I know…I know…men do not like to ask questions.  They think is a sign of weakness if they ask questions.  I have often wondered where we get these notions.  Questions are a wonderful tool to use to get to know someone.  When we talk to people we just met, we ask questions about their lives, work, children, etc.  We need to do the same with our wives.  Ask her about her dreams, likes, dislikes, as well as her expectations.  Be as specific as you want your relationship to grow to a deeper level.  No one wants a mediocre marriage, do they?
  3. Take interest in her interests.  This step has been difficult for me, yet it also has been rewarding.  I have gone to museums, plays, and to Japanese restaurants that serve sushi because that is what my wife likes to do.  I am not much into any of that, but I am into my wife.  Almost every time, I’ve ended up truly enjoying myself and I know that she enjoyed herself.

These three steps are starting point for all men to understand their wives.  Men, do you want to have a growing relationship with the person you have vowed to spend the rest of your life with?  Get to know her.  Learn to understand her.  When you do, your marriage will flourish.  If you don’t, your marriage will stagnate.  I believe it is your choice.

I would love to hear how you have learned to understand your wife.  Please leave your comments below.

Understanding Your Wife

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Many days in my counseling ministry I hear about how women feel their husbands do not understand them. When I make a statement about what it means to understand their wives, usually the women cry because for the first time in a long time they feel they are heard and understood. Now I’m not bragging because I am not the best husband or the best counselor. I have to admit that God gives me discernment and wisdom as I ask for them. I have to give Him the credit for,what happens in my office because without Him I couldn’t do what I do. This blog is not about how I counsel, but rather how men are supposed to understand their wives. How do men understand their wives when there are several differences in how we are created?
You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered. (1 Peter 3:7 NASB)
The Bible tells us to understand our wives, which seems to be an impossible task when women do not understand everything about themselves. The word that is translated understanding deals with the idea of being considerate and sensitive of their deepest physical and emotional needs. When I talk about emotional needs, I lose a lot of men because men have a very difficult time with emotions. The only emotion many men know is anger and they express that in inappropriate ways. That’s another subject for another day. Women function through their emotions mostly. They desire their man to care with them about the same things. I do not ask men to have the same emotion as their wives but I do ask men to care about their wives. Now how do we do this? We ask questions. These questions need to focus on how our wives feel. Men think analytically and not emotionally. It is a challenge for us to even ask about emotions. When she begins to talk about her emotions, we can begin to tune out. When we tune out, we tell our wives that we don’t care about them. Is it OK for your wife to cry and you not understand why she’s crying? Or do you tell her that she doesn’t have any reason to cry? What do you think she hears by that? The main thing she hears is that she is not cared about. Another way we can show our wives we understand them is by making sure we show them consideration. When they ask us to do something or not do something, we need to pay attention to their requests. I was told by a wife that her husband always tells her that she over-reacts to what he watches on TV. He is always watching shows that show scantily clothed women and it really makes his wife feel inadequate as a woman and a wife. She totally feels misunderstood. That conversation was so similar to others I have on a regular basis. Men, it is important that we show consideration to our wives desires and needs. When we learn how to do this, our relationship with our wives will improve greatly!

Purpose Statement

I provide Biblical Counseling for:
  • People who are hurting in their marriages and families.
  • People who are hurting emotionally and spiritually.
  • People who are seeking freedom from the bondage in their lives.

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