Forgiveness Is Not Forgetting

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“I can never forget what that person did to me!!”  “Why would I forgive someone when they hurt me so badly?”  “You just don’t understand the amount of hurt that I have experienced in my life.  Forgiveness is impossible!”

Have you ever had those thoughts?  Maybe you have even said something like one of those statements before.  I know that I have had thoughts like those in my life.  Being hurt by someone that you love is one of the worst experiences in life you can have.  There are only a few that I can think of that might be worse…but those are for another discussion.

ForgivenessOne of the biggest misconceptions of forgiveness is that of “Forgive and Forget.”  We have all heard someone say, “just forgive and forget” whatever has happened to you.  God did not make our brain to forget.  As a matter of fact, God made our brains to remember.  When we experience something in life, we remember better than something that we have heard or read.  That is why experience is such a good teacher.  That is why in school teachers assign homework and lab work so that we can experience what they are trying to get across.  The fact that experience is a good teacher is also why so many jobs have on the job training and internships, because we learn by experiencing.

So if you think you can just forget some hurt that you have experienced, you are asking you brain to do something that it is not designed to do.

Forgiveness does not equal forgetting.

Forgiveness means that you choose not to focus on the hurt.  Think about Ephesians 4:32 (NASB95)  Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. (emphasis mine)  God tells us to forgive as He has forgiven us.  How does He forgive us?

  1. His forgiveness is based on His own love for us.  Romans 4:5 (NLT) 5 But people are counted as righteous, not because of their work, but because of their faith in God who forgives sinners. (emphasis mine)  We cannot earn God’s forgiveness; it is a gift based on the giver, not the receiver.
  2. He remembers our sin no more.  Hebrews 8:12 (NLT) 12 “And I will forgive their wickedness, and I will never again remember their sins.”* (emphasis mine)  We need to notice that this is a choice that God is making.  It is not a statement of forgetfulness, but rather a choice not to remember.  Someone might accuse me of playing a game of semantics, but I think that this distinction is very important to our ability to forgive.  We can choose to not remember something better than we can forget the same thing.  By choosing to not remember, we are saying that we will not focus on the wrong.  We will focus on God’s love for us and for the person who hurt us.
  3. Then finally, HIs forgiveness is continual.  1 John 1:9 (NLT) 9 “But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.”  Even though God knows that we will continue to sin, He continually offers forgiveness.  We need to keep this fact in mind, especially when we are talking about forgiveness in marriage.  Our spouses will continually disappoint and hurt us throughout our marriage, maybe not intentionally, yet it still hurts.  God continually forgives us when we wrong Him.  We need to have the same attitude toward the people who hurt us.

Forgiveness is something that we all need to work on.  Our ability to forgive is strengthened by our awareness of how much God has forgiven us.

What ways have you noticed God’s forgiveness in your life that you can pass on toward others that have hurt you?


Brad 2014Bradley D. Watson, BCBT

Directed Path Ministries

After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry.  The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word to shine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.

Develop The Life and Marriage You Desire

6 Steps To Release Your Anger

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I had a young man come into my office recently who showed signs of intense anger.  As we talked about what was bothering him, it became obvious that his anger had very deep roots.  For his homework, I asked him to make a list of everyone that had hurt him in his life.  He came back several days later with his list.  “This list was difficult to write everyone down.  I remember being bullied in elementary school and I am just waiting for the opportunity to get them back.”  As I listened to him recount the things that had happened in his life, I began to understand why his anger was so deep.  He had held a grudge toward everyone that had hurt him in any way and he was just waiting for the right time to start getting pay backs.  How many of you have felt that way before?  You just couldn’t wait to get someone back for hurting you.  I can remember feeling that way many years ago.  The main problem with those feelings is that the person who does the hurting has long since forgotten the event and you are the one that is still being controlled by those negative feelings.  As I told this man, “you are holding on to something that happened more than twenty years ago.”  The offender has totally forgotten the situation and possibly has forgotten you.  So what do you do about these feelings of desiring revenge?  How do you overcome them?  How do you heal from the hurt so that your anger can heal?Anger

  1. Acknowledge the hurt.  What happened that created the sense of hurt in your life?  Who was the perpetrator?  Write it all down.
  2. Identify any false beliefs that you might have. What do you believe about yourself based on that event?  You want to identify any negative beliefs such as “I’m a loser” or “I’m worthless.”
  3. Replace the false beliefs with The Truth of God’s Word.  I am a child of God.  I am a friend of God.  I am redeemed.  There are so many more, but these create a good starting spot.
  4. Understand that it is God’s place for vengeance.  Romans 12:19 tells us that it is God’s place to get revenge because of His perfect anger.  Our revenge is not motivated by love or holiness where God’s is.
  5. Confess your sinfulness of wanting revenge.  Understand that wanting to hurt someone because they hurt you is a sin.
  6. Forgive the offender.  By forgiving the offender, you are releasing your desire to get revenge.  You are also choosing to let go of the negative feelings associated with the event.  By forgiving the offender, you are trusting God to do what He desires in the offender’s life.Revenge is Mine

Anger is a cancer that will continue to eat its way through your body and destroy you if you do not take action to release it.  Revenge will not release the anger.  It might satisfy it for a short while, but the anger will continue to burn within you.  Learning to forgive and to allow God to do His work will bring about a peace that cannot be explained in human terms.  That peace will lead to joy in your life.

What would you add to these steps of working through your anger?  How have you turned things over to God for His healing?

Brad 2014Bradley D. Watson, BCBT

Directed Path Ministries

After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry.  The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word to shine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.

Develop The Life and Marriage You Desire

Are You Angry? These Steps Can Help

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AngerBlotAnger seems to be a nation-wide problem.  If a person watches the evening news or reads the paper, he will see the effects that anger has on our society.  Violent crime seems to be on the rise.  Shootings in schools and other public places are becoming more and more common.  Domestic Violence has become an epidemic.  Ugly divorces and child custody suits are common place today.  These examples are just the most visible examples of anger controlling people.  Other effects of anger can be seen in the health industry as doctors are prescribing more and more antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications.  Stress is one of the top health issues that affects the work place.  Each one of these cases show the effects that anger has on our society.  Are you angry?  Do you want help to manage your anger?  Here are a few suggestions that can help.

Know that the emotion of anger is not a sin.  God shows His anger several times in the Old Testament, especially during the exodus of the Israelites from Egypt.  Jesus was angry  when He cleansed the temple of the money changers, not once but twice.(John 2:14 & Matt. 21:12)  AS James 1:13 points out, God can’t even be tempted much less sin.  James 1:13 (NLT) 13 ‘And remember, when you are being tempted, do not say, “God is tempting me.” God is never tempted to do wrong,* and he never tempts anyone else.’  If God and Jesus, who are sinless, show anger, then the emotion by itself cannot be sin.

Understand the roots of anger.

  • Fear:  When we are fearful and worry about what might happen in the future, we can respond in anger.  Fear deals with the unknown mostly.  This type of fear is closely tied to worry and anxiety.  Paul writes that we are not to worry or be anxious in Phil. 4:6.
  • Hurt:  When we have unresolved hurt and pain from earlier in our lives, that pain can manifest itself into anger.  A person that we love can do something that reminds us of the past and we lash out in anger.
  • Frustration:  This category contains several different types of emotions.  Guilt is one.  When we feel guilty of our own wrong doing, we get angry to take the focus off of ourselves and place it on the other person.  Control is another.  If we feel out of control, we want to regain that control and we do that by being intimidating or angry.  As one man pAngry Hulkuts it, “I Hulk Out!”  Inadequacy if another emotion connected to frustration.  If we feel that we are incapable of doing something, we might lash out in anger instead of admitting our shortcomings.

Learn the physical signs of your anger.  Our bodies release adrenalin when we begin to get angry.  Our blood pressure begins to rise.  Our face turns red.  Our hearts begin to pump harder and faster.  Our breathing can become more shallow.  These are just a few outward symptoms of anger.  Learn yours.

Make an anger plan.  Having a plan of action when anger begins to arise will help you in managing how angry you actually will get.  

  • Take a time out.  Remove yourself from the situation if at all possible.  This step is not to get you to ignore the situation, but it will allow you to think about it before you react.
  • Take deep breaths.  Breathing deeply helps calm you down so that the emotion is not controlling you.
  • Own your anger.  Realize that you are choosing to be angry at that time.  No one can control your emotions but you (with God’s help), therefore no one is making you mad.  You are choosing to be mad in a reaction to what someone is doing.
  • Share the reason for your anger.  Do this in a way that is easy for the other person to hear.  Use “I” statements, not “You” statements.  Talk about your root cause for the anger.  DO NOT BLAME the other person.

These steps can help you learn to manage your anger.  Anger can be very destructive when it is left unchecked.  God gave us the ability to have anger for the purpose of bringing about change.  When used properly, our relationships will grow and flourish.

What are some positive steps you take when you are angry?  Share them in the comment section below.

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Bradley D. Watson, BCBT
Directed Path Ministries

After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry.  The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word to shine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.

Helping Others Using God’s Principles

 

Acceptance vs. Rejection Principle Pt. 2

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Ephesians 4:32 (HCSB) And be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ.

I realize that it has almost a month since I have posted a blog.  I started with a discussion on Rejection in my last offering and I want to conclude today with how we are to deal with rejection.  First let me summarize part one of this principle of Acceptance vs. Rejection.  I believe from a spiritual standpoint that most depression is caused by rejection.  That rejection can be either real or perceived.  Either way, the rejection always hurts the one that feels it.  Rejection begins a spiraling fall toward depression.  There are several steps on this staircase but the bottom is always depression.  I hope that you will read the remainder of that blog from two weeks ago to fill in the steps of the process.

Let me ask you a couple of questions.  What do our doctors do when we begin to talk about depression?  Most doctors, if not all of them, will prescribe some form of medication to help our moods.  There are many different medications that have the specific job of helping with depression.  There are even new medications to help some of the older medications to work more effectively.  http://www.abilify.com is a website that even gives the names of the medications Abilify works with.  http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/health/article3434486.ece and http://www.helpguide.org/mental/medications_depression.htm are two articles that indicate studies that antidepressants are not always effective to treat depression.  Now again, I am neither a doctor nor a clinical psychologist.  I am a pastoral counselor.  I want to help people experience relief from their depression from a biblical standpoint.  If you are on any medication, please do not quit it without talking to your doctor first.  I thank God for the medication that is out there.  I want you to know that I believe that medication is a gift from God.  But I want to emphasize that it is only a tool to help mask the hurt or the symptoms of the depression.  It is not a cure.

Since the medication that is prescribed is not a cure, I want to offer a solution to the hurt that can lead to depression.  Forgiveness. Now I know that might sound like a simple conclusion on the surface, but do we truly understand the biblical view of forgiveness.  When we understand that, we will be well on our way to experiencing freedom from that rejection.

Forgiveness needs to be understood.

1.  It is not for-getting.

2.  You don’t have to feel good about the offender.

3.  You should not wait till you feel like forgiving.

4.  Two Parts of Forgiveness:

a. Decisional

b. Emotional

“Whatever your situation, whatever has happened in your past, remember that you are the loser if you do not deal with an unforgiving spirit.  And the people around you suffer, too.  You have within you the power to forgive, to be healed, and to be set free to live your life to the fullest.”  Charles Stanley

God’s Example of Forgiveness

  1. God’s love has no limits.
  2. God’s love is patient.
  3. God is eager to express His love.
  4. God’s love is focused on the sinner, not the sin.
  5. God receives the sinner back into fellowship joyfully.

What happens when we don’t forgive

  1. We get hurt.
  2. We become confused.
  3. We look for detours.
  4. We dig a hole.
  5. We deny it.
  6. We become defeated.
  7. We become discouraged or depressed.

Three Ways to Know We have Forgiven

  1. Our negative feelings will disappear.
  2. We will find it much easier to accept the people who have hurt us w/o feeling the need to change them.
  3. Our concern about the needs of the other individuals will outweigh our concerns about what they did to us.

“Forgiveness is a process that can be painful and at times seem unending.  Whatever our pain, whatever our situation, we cannot afford to hold on to an unforgiving spirit another day.  We must get involved w/ the process of forgiving others and find out what it means to be really free.  If we will persevere and keep our eyes on the One who forgave us, it will be a liberating force like nothing else we have ever experienced.”  (Charles Stanley, Gift of Forgiveness, pg. 133)

To summarize the above, in order to truly forgive others, we have to accept the pain that has been caused by the rejection or the offense.  Then we have to decide what to do with that pain.  We can either hold on to it or we can let it go.  If we forgive, we let it go.  We do not hold the other person captive because of that offense.  We learn to see the person through the eyes of God, whom separates the sinner from his sin with His perfect love.  Only through the gift of God’s forgiveness can we forgive others.

I believe that once we learn to forgive others and rely on God’s acceptance, we have a totally different outlook on life.  We are able to see beyond the clouds of our rejection and see the clearing that God’s light and love provides.

One final thought on this subject I would like to offer you.  Many people who are on medication have no outlet for the emotions.  They are relying on the medication to do a miracle, but they can’t relate their feelings to anyone.  That is where counseling comes into play.  Our modern mental health philosophy in many circles is just to medicate.  We also need to be able to learn to express ourselves in productive ways.  This is where my profession of a pastoral counselor comes into play.  I am not advertising me per se…well maybe I am, but I am encouraging you to find someone you can talk to that will help you have a biblical perspective of your struggles.

Matthew 6:14-15 (HCSB) 14 “For if you forgive people their wrongdoing, your heavenly Father will forgive you as well. 15 But if you don’t forgive people, your Father will not forgive your wrongdoing.

Rejection Vs. Acceptance Principle pt. 1

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DEPRESSION: What do we really know about depression?  We might be able to look at someone and tell that they are down, blue, or sad on any given day.  We might realize that someone is not laughing as much as they use to or that they are sleeping more.  We might recognize some different symptoms in people close to us as they begin staying in the house more or staying to themselves more.  But do we really understand depression?  Do we know what causes depression or why some people react to the symptoms of depression the way they do.  Depression can have a range from “I’m just kind of blue today” to all the way to “I’m at the end of my rope and I see no hope.”  Some depressed people are diagnosed by their doctor and therefore are prescribed medication to help them deal with their depression.  Others are self-diagnosed or un-diagnosed and are truly struggling with their difficult emotions.  Some depression is seasonal as well as intermittent, while some depression is chronic.  Many articles have been written on depression and living with depression.  Recently there seems to be more and more advertisements for new anti-depressants on the television as well as in magazines.  We live in a very depressed time and people are looking for answers or solutions to their depression.

I would like to offer some of my thoughts on depression today.  Let me begin by offering a disclaimer so that I am not misunderstood.  I know that I am not a licensed professional counselor nor am I a medical doctor.  I am not trying to treat depression from a medical nor clinical perspective.  I am a pastoral counselor as well as a board certified belief therapist.  I believe that God’s Word gives us some principles that can help us learn to deal with our depression.

A good definition of depression is “internalized anger.”  Now the symptoms of depression are much more complex than this definition.  Symptoms can include sadness, grief, fatigue, hopeless, lack of motivation, guilt, over-eating or not eating, and much more than these.  The symptoms can move all the way to suicidal thoughts or even homicidal thoughts.  I have read different articles concerning the cause of depression and many of the authors list causes that range from a biological, genetic cause to trauma and stress in a person’s life.  All of these can be true.  I would like to focus what I believe to be the major cause of depression and that is rejection.  Rejection can be real or it can be perceived.  Rather it is real or perceived; the rejection is real to the person that feels it.  Rejection begins a spiral downward from the initial feeling to the end result of depression.  There are several steps down this spiraling staircase that will descend to the deepest form of rejection if a person does not deal with the root causes.

The first step on this staircase is the initial Rejection.  All rejection hurts and causes us to react or to respond to that rejection.  Many times we begin to think about why someone might have rejected us.  We might ask the question, “Why is that person rejecting me?”  “Or how can I change so I will not be rejected any more?”  When we hurt, we want to get away from that hurt the best way possible or maybe the quickest way possible.  No one likes to be rejected.

The second step on the staircase is Rebellion.  Rebellion is the resistance to or defiance of any authority, control, or tradition. (Dictionary.com)  When a person experiences rejection, they cross the bridge of hurt toward the step of rebellion.  He rebels against even who he is supposed to be in order to change toward what he thinks someone else expects him to be.  This rebellion includes an attitude of change that is not governed by the clear thinking of the individual, but rather is clouded by the hurt he is experiencing.  As his attitude is changing toward rebellion, he then crosses the next bridge which is the fear of not being accepted still.  This bridge leads him to the third step.

The third step of this staircase is Reaching out for acceptance.  As the individual reaches out to others, he is inclined to change his behavior.  He begins acting out of his fear, rather than his knowledge of what is right and wrong.  These actions to not have to be severe, but they are wrong in and of themselves.  Elijah’s actions were not severe, just wrong.  Peter’s actions were not severe, but they were wrong.  These wrong actions begin to lead a person to the feelings of guilt as well as to the next bridge which is the feeling of hopelessness.

Once a person reaches the bridge of hopelessness his next step will be depression.  All of his steps are being clouded more and more by the hurt of the initial rejection.  Many of the steps will provide more occasions of rejection along the way; therefore a person can be at different aspects of this spiraling staircase at the same time depending on the different circumstances.  This depression can lead to a variety of suicides, meaning financial suicide, professional suicide, relational suicide as well as physical suicide.

I believe that an understanding of the principle that rejection can lead to depression can help an individual deal with his own depression.  How a person deals with rejection might lead to how well he deals with his depression.

My next blog will deal with how we are to deal with rejection.  I hope that we all can learn together to look at depression from a different point of view.

Purpose Statement

I provide Biblical Counseling for:
  • People who are hurting in their marriages and families.
  • People who are hurting emotionally and spiritually.
  • People who are seeking freedom from the bondage in their lives.

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TEXARKANA, TX 75503
PHONE: (903) 244-5150


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