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Applying The Five Dysfunctions of a Team to Your Marriage

December 9, 2014 By bwatson 1 Comment

TeamWorkOne aspect of marriage that seems to get overlooked so many times is Teamwork.  The Bible says that “two become one” yet much of the time we function solo.  We act based on our own feelings and desires without regard to our spouse’s feelings and desires.  At this moment we are not being “one” but rather two separate individuals.  The goal of marriage is for the two people to function as one unit throughout life.  As I played basketball in high school, I had coaches that would always tell us that we had to play as a team.  They would say, “you win as a team and you lose as a team.”  Even if one player had great games or horrible games, it still would be the team won or lost.  Marriage is the same way. 

I read The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, by Patrick Lencioni, a couple of weeks ago for an organization of which I am a part.  As I read the book, I began to think about how this relates to the team of marriage.  What makes marriages so dysfunctional and how do these five dysfunctions relate?

Dysfunction #1:  Absence of Trust.  So many times the couples that come into my office just do not trust the other person.  Sometimes this trust has been broken overtly by adultery,  but many times it has been broken by not following through on promises.  Trust has to be part of the foundation if the marriage is going to survive the turbulent times in life.  Trust is never just given; trust has to be earned and re-earned.  For a marriage to be built on trust, both spouses have to be trustworthy.

Dysfunction #2:  Fear of Conflict.  When conflict arises in marriage, one spouse might want peace at all costs and therefore will avoid conflict.  I actually had a man tell me that in sixty years of marriage he and his wife never fought.  He just always gave in to what she wanted.  Conflict in marriage is inevitable.  We have to be willing to confront those conflict issues and work on resolving them.  Without facing the conflict issues, we actually only have an artificial harmony.  We want true unity.5 Dysfuntions of a Team

Dysfunction #3:  Lack of Commitment.  When we recite our vows on our wedding day, we say something like:  “in sickness and in health, in good times and bad, till death do us part.”  We make a lifelong commitment.  Do we mean it?  In our throw-away society, we think about our marriage just the same way.  If things get too difficult, we think about “throwing away” our spouse and starting over by finding someone else.  To follow through on the commitment of marriage takes hard work every time and it brings about fulfilling results every time.

Dysfunction #4:  Avoidance of Accountability.  This dysfunction coincides with #2, Fear of Conflict.  Keeping our spouse accountable many times leads to conflict.  If a man has been guilty of being dishonest, looking at porn, or even committing adultery, naturally he does not want his wife reminding him of his wrong doings and questioning what he is doing now.  He might even go so far as accusing his wife of trying to be his mother.  No woman wants to be compared to her mother-in-law, so this dysfunction can create a great deal of conflict.  Accountability is necessary to rebuild trust.  It is also necessary to accomplish the goal of the couple to thrive as a couple.  Asking accountability questions, such as “where have you been?”, “what have you been doing?’, “have you started on that project yet?”, etc.,  is vital to keep the marriage moving in the right direction.  As you ask the questions, you have to remember not to nag or badger your spouse.  You are asking the questions to help move the marriage forward…not drag it down.

Dysfunction #5:  Inattention to Results.  The results of a marriage sometimes are difficult to quantify because they are more abstract than business results.  Business results are based on customers, sales, and profits, along with other criteria that can be counted.  Marriage results are based on fulfillment and satisfaction of both spouses, mental and physical health of children, and accomplishments that cannot easily be counted.  Because of this difficulty, many couples really do not know what they are striving for in their marriage.  One spouse might be selfish and only looking out for his own pleasure or his own fulfillment.  He or she might think that selfishness is acceptable as long as he/she is happy.  However, the “one” in marriage is both spouses functioning together to bring fulfillment to both, not just one.  Pay attention to the results that you desire in your marriage.

Each one of these dysfunctions listed in Lencioni’s book, The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, can be applied to a marriage.  How do they relate to your marriage?  Which of the five do you think is most important to you and your mate?

Brad 2014

Bradley D. Watson, BCBT
Directed Path Ministries

After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry.  The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word to shine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.

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The Leader and His Marriage

June 26, 2014 By bwatson Leave a Comment

downloadHave you ever noticed how many leaders experience marital problems?  I have been in the ministry for over 30 years and I have seen many ministerial leaders experience adultery and divorce on so many different levels.  Now that I am in the counseling ministry, I have seen the same is true for leaders in all walks of life.  I have begun paying attention to some of the problems that seem to be prevalent in these marriages.  No matter how good a leader a person is does not exempt him from problems in his life and his marriage.

Problem #1:  Most leaders are task oriented people.  They are Type A personalities or if you prefer, they are D on the DISC model.  What that means is that they are driven and they over look people because of the task at hand.  When a person is totally focused on the tasks at hand as well as thinking about the production associated with the task, he totally forgets about the people involved in the process.  Or he thinks about what the others can do for him.  Again, this leader tends to look at other people as assets or maybe liabilities and not necessarily as people.

Obviously this mindset is not conducive to a good marriage.  The wife begins to feel nothing more than an employee at best.  She does not feel like a life partner; rather she feels used and many times abused by this type of husband.

Problem #2:  Most leaders are strong decision makers.  In business it is imperative that the leader is able to make good, quick decisions without a great deal of hesitation.  Many times the leader does not even listen to the advise of his advisors as he believes he knows what is best for the moment.

Again, I believe you can understand why this mindset does not work in marriage very often.  The wife feels she has much to offer to the relationship and to the plans for the relationship.  If she is never talked to nor listened to, then she will begin to feel unimportant and insecure.

Problem #3:  Most leaders are workaholics.  Leaders tend to spend most of their time “running” their businesses.  They wake up early and go to bed late.  They even eat at the office or on the road.  They feel that they just cannot spare even 30 minutes of their day to spend with their wife in such a mundane event as eating.

This mindset also is not beneficial to a good marriage.  The relationship needs to be fostered and cared for.  A person cannot expect to have a good marriage if there is not time spent nurturing the emotional connection that is needed for the marriage to flourish.

Let’s look briefly at how what the Bible says about marriage.  

Ephesians 5:25-30 (NASB95)

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,

26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,

27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.

28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;

29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church,

30 because we are members of His body.

There are several important lessons a leader can learn from this passage of scripture concerning his marriage.  I will just point out a couple of these lessons.

Lesson #1:  A leader must love his wife sacrificially.  When you think about Christ’s love for the church, the first thing that should come to mind is the fact that he died on the cross to save His bride.  He was not selfish in any way.  His love for his bride transcended her faults and her inadequacies and He showed His love through the crossFeet Washing

Another way Christ showed His love was through serving His disciples.  The most poignant example of this is when He washed the disciples feet.  I wonder how the wife of a leader would feel if he humbled himself to the point of meeting such a basic need?

Lesson #2:  A leader must nurture and cherish his wife.  These two words speak specifically to fostering the relationship.  In order to foster the relationship, time must be spent listening to and caring for your wife.  

Again, Jesus spent time with His disciples.  He ate meals with them and invited them into His life.  Jesus shared with His disciples many of His plans.  Jesus’ disciples were shown that they were important to Him and never a burden to Him.  Not one time did Jesus make the disciples feel less than because of the mistakes they made.  He would lovingly correct them as needed, but He always let them know theta they were loved and needed.

I understand that husbands (leaders) are being compared to the Perfect Son of God.  I also realize that no one else has ever lived up to His perfection.  Yet, this passage of scripture tells us to use Him as our example.  Many of us have to learn to put aside our decision making skills, our plans, and our drive so that we can listen, learn and love our wives.  I promise when we learn to do these things, our marriage will flourish!!

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