Marriage Archives - Directed Path Ministries

4 Questions to Develop Safeguards for Your Marriage

March 31, 2017 By bwatson 3 Comments

When the article came out that Vice-President Pence would only eat meals alone with his wife, there has been a firestorm of responses to how unrealistic and even archaic this practice is (Billy Graham had even more strict safeguards in place). Some people have expressed that because of their jobs it was impossible to get away from being alone with someone of the opposite sex for a meal at times. Some people have expressed that they have close friends that are people of the opposite sex that they enjoy a meal with from time to time. Others stated that the “rule” would not stop someone from having an affair with the avenues of communication that social media provides. A simple meal would not be the problem.

I read so many other responses that agreed with the practice. These people felt that VP Pence was honoring his wife along with his marriage and was setting a good example. Some expressed a desire to continue the same practice in their marriages – Not because there is not trust between the spouses, but rather to continue to build their marriage.

Questions for Safeguards

What is your view of marriage? Are you two individuals with two separate lives living in the same house that connect in just certain areas? Are you two working on becoming one, honoring each other and glorifying God while reflecting His love to everyone around you? Are you somewhere in between?
Do your closest friends have the same view of marriage that you do? When you talk about marriage, is there a similar value system present? Do you feel supported in your stance? Do you feel that you are always trying to defend yourself?
Do your closest friends value YOUR marriage? Brad, didn’t you just ask that question in #2? NO because some people might sound like they support marriage but at the same time might be trying to sabotage your marriage.
When you are with someone of the opposite sex, is your conversation honoring to your spouse? Would you mind if your spouse heard the conversation? Are you building your spouse up? Are you talking about how much you love your spouse and you are committed to marriage? Have you ever complained about your marriage?

Obviously these questions are not exhaustive but they are a good place to start when setting safeguards in your life to protect your marriage. Marriage is designed by God to glorify Him by showing unconditional love, forgiveness, and mercy between two people that creates a family built on a covenant that reflects His unconditional love that leads to our covenantal relationship with Him through Jesus Christ. Marriage is to make us holy in all that we do. I believe that these safeguards can help lead us toward that.

What questions would you ask to develop safeguards for your marriage?

FPU: A Solution to Your Financial Struggles

December 1, 2015 By bwatson Leave a Comment

Do you have financial struggles in your marriage? Do you and your spouse fight over the money and how it is spent? I know that Lisa and I have had some difficulties in our marriage concerning money. We really did not have a clear direction in our financial lives until recently. My wife and I had the opportunity to participate in Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University at our church. I had been hesitant to take part in that study in the past because of the cost. I had always wondered how someone who was having financial problems could afford to pay someone to teach them to get out of those problems. But this time, our church made it available and we chose to participate.

Each week of the class, Lisa and I had ‘new’ ideas to discuss and homework to do. As we did the homework and talked about the teachings, I got excited about the possibilities of where we could go financially if we maintained the momentum of what we were learning. I would also get upset that I waited so long to take the course.

Last week as we were talking about our budget for this month, a question was raised about a category that was “over-drawn” and I said “It’s not about what is in the bank account, it’s about what is in that category.” Lisa laughed at me and then stated, “I’ve been trying to get you to understand that for 30 years.”

It took me listening to a man on a video screen for 9 weeks that I had only heard of and knew a little of his personal story to understand a concept that my wife had been attempting to teach me for our entire marriage. I guess I am hard-headed and a very slow learner. But I am a learner!!

This is not a paid endorsement of Financial Peace University or of Dave Ramsey. However, I am sold on the concept!!! Yes, it is a lot of common sense. Dave Ramsey has a God-given ability to communicate that common sense so that a hard-headed, slow learner like me can understand and grasp.

For me, the best part of the training is the interaction that Lisa and I now have with our finances. We have worked together some over the years, but I don’t believe that we have ever been as engaged as we are now. Our engagement is bringing about the financial intimacy that we both have desired, but we struggled to obtain. It is now being obtained.

I would encourage you, if you have an opportunity to take the Financial Peace University course, DO IT! It has the potential of changing more than just your finances; it can change your marriage.

How To Effectively Redirect Your Troubled Marriage

February 20, 2015 By bwatson Leave a Comment

“Bro. Brad,” the female client started. “I am so tired of fighting in my marriage. It seems that we fight about everything, from what we are going to eat for supper to what we watch on TV and everything else. It all started a few months ago when my husband decided he just didn’t want to be married to me any more. He told me that the spark was gone and I freaked out!” At this point, she began to cry. I asked her, “how long have you been married?” “8 years,” she replied. I asked her to tell me some of the ways her marriage got off course. She then began to tell me her story.

As I listened to her share her side of the story, I began thinking about how she might be able to make a difference in her marriage even if her husband didn’t choose to come to counseling. She didn’t want a divorce…She just did not have a clue of what she might be able to do in order to “save” her marriage.

This scenario might sound familiar to you. Maybe you have actually felt this way or have had this experience. Possibly you have heard someone tell you something similar to this. What do you do when you are in a marriage that is full of animosity and conflict but only one wants to get help through counseling? There are several things for you to do that can make an impact.

PRAY. I believe that God has a solution to all of our problems. We have to seek Him for direction in handling our problems. Also, He ordained marriage in the very beginning. He wants your marriage to flourish. He wants to be in the center of it. Invite Him in. He will work on you as well as your marriage.
Evaluate what you have done RIGHT in the marriage. In most cases, no one is totally wrong about everything. As the old saying goes, “A broken clock is right twice a day.” It is very important that you have an honest evaluation of your behavior in the relationship. I like to encourage people to start with what is right. Starting with the positive helps the picture to not look so dark. Think about your actions, your attitudes, and your attributes that have contributed to what has been good, pleasant, fulfilling, and right in the number of years that you have been married. Make an actual list. Write it out on a piece of paper and refer to it often.
Now that you have a list of what you have done right, make a list of what you have done WRONG. This list is not what your spouse says you have done wrong, but rather what you know that you have done wrong. The important thing here is that you own your wrong doings. If you just go on what someone else accuses you of, then you really are not owning it. Be as specific as you can as you make this list. If you want to ask your spouse for help in making this list, feel free to ask for help. I’m sure that your spouse would love to tell you all that you are doing wrong. Be prepared to get an ear-full if you ask for help.
Ask your spouse to forgive you of what you have done wrong. Use your list, not theirs. Do not try to explain away your actions. Take full responsibility. Expect your spouse to react to you admitting your faults with statements like, “It’s about time” or “Finally” or maybe even “It’s a little late for that.” Please don’t get discouraged or defensive at this point. Just state that you are attempting to apologize and are asking for forgiveness; nothing more.
Identify changes that you need to make and implement these changes. When we apologize for certain actions, our spouse is waiting to see lasting changes in our lives before they truly accept our apologies or will trust us to move forward in our relationship. Maybe you have an anger problem and you yell a lot. You can apologize for yelling and state that you are going to change. But the next time you have a conflict, you yell again. Do you think your spouse is going to trust that you have changed? Of course not. You have to work really hard not to do the things that have created some of the problems in your relationship.
Finally, only own your part of the problems in your marriage. As I stated earlier, you are not always wrong. Your spouse plays a part in the problems. Don’t accept their blame and guilt. Only be responsible for yourself.

Often times when one partner in the relationship begins to make changes for the better, the other partner will follow suit. I remember many years ago, that was true in my marriage. We were not in a very good place at all and my wife began to make some changes that I was wanting her to make. I followed suit by making the necessary changes that I needed to. I am not totally sure if any of it was conscious or subconscious, but both of us made changes. Our marriage went from being not in a good place to being in a very good place. These steps can help your marriage turn toward being good, even if your spouse doesn’t want to get counseling.

Applying The Five Dysfunctions of a Team to Your Marriage

December 9, 2014 By bwatson 1 Comment

One aspect of marriage that seems to get overlooked so many times is Teamwork. The Bible says that “two become one” yet much of the time we function solo. We act based on our own feelings and desires without regard to our spouse’s feelings and desires. At this moment we are not being “one” but rather two separate individuals. The goal of marriage is for the two people to function as one unit throughout life. As I played basketball in high school, I had coaches that would always tell us that we had to play as a team. They would say, “you win as a team and you lose as a team.” Even if one player had great games or horrible games, it still would be the team won or lost. Marriage is the same way.

I read The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, by Patrick Lencioni, a couple of weeks ago for an organization of which I am a part. As I read the book, I began to think about how this relates to the team of marriage. What makes marriages so dysfunctional and how do these five dysfunctions relate?

Dysfunction #1: Absence of Trust. So many times the couples that come into my office just do not trust the other person. Sometimes this trust has been broken overtly by adultery, but many times it has been broken by not following through on promises. Trust has to be part of the foundation if the marriage is going to survive the turbulent times in life. Trust is never just given; trust has to be earned and re-earned. For a marriage to be built on trust, both spouses have to be trustworthy.

Dysfunction #2: Fear of Conflict. When conflict arises in marriage, one spouse might want peace at all costs and therefore will avoid conflict. I actually had a man tell me that in sixty years of marriage he and his wife never fought. He just always gave in to what she wanted. Conflict in marriage is inevitable. We have to be willing to confront those conflict issues and work on resolving them. Without facing the conflict issues, we actually only have an artificial harmony. We want true unity.

Dysfunction #3: Lack of Commitment. When we recite our vows on our wedding day, we say something like: “in sickness and in health, in good times and bad, till death do us part.” We make a lifelong commitment. Do we mean it? In our throw-away society, we think about our marriage just the same way. If things get too difficult, we think about “throwing away” our spouse and starting over by finding someone else. To follow through on the commitment of marriage takes hard work every time and it brings about fulfilling results every time.

Dysfunction #4: Avoidance of Accountability. This dysfunction coincides with #2, Fear of Conflict. Keeping our spouse accountable many times leads to conflict. If a man has been guilty of being dishonest, looking at porn, or even committing adultery, naturally he does not want his wife reminding him of his wrong doings and questioning what he is doing now. He might even go so far as accusing his wife of trying to be his mother. No woman wants to be compared to her mother-in-law, so this dysfunction can create a great deal of conflict. Accountability is necessary to rebuild trust. It is also necessary to accomplish the goal of the couple to thrive as a couple. Asking accountability questions, such as “where have you been?”, “what have you been doing?’, “have you started on that project yet?”, etc., is vital to keep the marriage moving in the right direction. As you ask the questions, you have to remember not to nag or badger your spouse. You are asking the questions to help move the marriage forward…not drag it down.

Dysfunction #5: Inattention to Results. The results of a marriage sometimes are difficult to quantify because they are more abstract than business results. Business results are based on customers, sales, and profits, along with other criteria that can be counted. Marriage results are based on fulfillment and satisfaction of both spouses, mental and physical health of children, and accomplishments that cannot easily be counted. Because of this difficulty, many couples really do not know what they are striving for in their marriage. One spouse might be selfish and only looking out for his own pleasure or his own fulfillment. He or she might think that selfishness is acceptable as long as he/she is happy. However, the “one” in marriage is both spouses functioning together to bring fulfillment to both, not just one. Pay attention to the results that you desire in your marriage.

Each one of these dysfunctions listed in Lencioni’s book, The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, can be applied to a marriage. How do they relate to your marriage? Which of the five do you think is most important to you and your mate?

Bradley D. Watson, BCBT

Directed Path Ministries

After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry. The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word to shine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.

Develop The Life and Marriage You Desire

Affiliated Links included in text.

A Woman’s Greatest Need in Marriage

October 24, 2014 By bwatson Leave a Comment

#FlashbackFriday Originally posted October 9, 2012.

Men, have you ever thought about what you wife’s greatest need is in a relationship with you? I would like to know how she would answer you. I wonder if she would mention that she needs to be listened to more and understood better. Maybe she would point out that she desires more attention to what she is doing that cannot be interrupted. I wonder if she might tell you that she really would like for you to care about what she cares about more. I’m not sure what she might say, but I have heard so many different answers; yet at the same time most of the answers are very similar. So let me share with you what I believe is the answer that we need to focus on.

Before I give you the one word answer, I want to show you how we get to that answer.

The Bible uses four primary words in Ephesians 5 and I Peter 3 telling husbands how to treat their wives. The first of those words is Love.

Ephesians 5:25 (NASB)
²⁵Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,

The word that is used in this verse translated “Love” is the word that describes God’s love. This means that the love is to seek the best in the recipient of the love and is also seen as being sacrificial and unconditional in how it is presented. So I want you to think for a moment about how you love your wife. Do you seek the best in your wife? Are you sacrificial in your love? Is your love unconditional or do you expect your wife to earn or maintain your love?

The second word that is used in Ephesian 5 is Nourish.

Ephesians 5:28-29 (NASB)
²⁸So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;
²⁹for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church,

The word for nourish deals with feeding to bring to maturity. This word primarily used describing the parent relationship with their child, but here it is suggesting that the husband is to provide for and protect his wife. When we nourish our wives, they will flourish in all they do. I ask husbands if their wives are better off because they are married to them. If not, then how can the husband improve on that aspect of the relationship.

The third word is Cherish. This word means to warm and foster with tender care. The only other place this word is used in all of scripture is in I Thes. 2:7 where Paul is talking about a mother nursing her baby. How does that baby feel in his momma’s arms? How is that momma looking at her child? I realize that the relationship between a momma nursing her child is unique. I believe that our wives need to feel that they are special to us and that they are treated with tender compassion. I won’t ask a question here; I’ll just make a statement concerning the need that is addressed here. When we yell at our wives, they will not feel cherished. They need us to be gentle with them.

The final word is the word that we looked at yesterday and that is Understanding. I will not go into more detail on that principle but if you have not read yesterday’s post, look down the page and find Understanding Your Wife.

Now that you have all four words – Love, Nourish, Cherish, and Understand – let me give you the one word answer to the original question. SECURITY!!

There are several aspects of security in your relationship with your wife. I just want to mention different areas of security that your wife needs. At a later date, I will address them at length.

Physical Security
Financial Security
Emotional Security
Sexual Security
Spiritual Security

Now, gentlemen, how are you doing in the area of providing security for your wife? If we want our wives to be happy and fulfilled in our marriages, their need of security has to be met!

Bradley D. Watson, BCBT

Directed Path Ministries

Develop The Life and Marriage You Desire

The 4 Beings that Turn a Wedding into a Marriage

September 15, 2014 By bwatson Leave a Comment

Over the past few years, I have had the privilege of performing several wedding ceremonies. Some of the couples, I have known while most of them I have not known. Each one has been special in some way or another. Primarily I have been a part of weddings at Garrison Gardens, which is owned by my good friends, Chuck & Karen Guilbert. I really appreciate them allowing me to be a part of the weddings that need an officiant.

In each wedding, so much time and effort goes into the planning of that special day. Buying the dress, planning for the reception, getting the caterer, the flowers, the photographer, and the list can go on and on and on… When my daughter got married, we were told that we did not have enough time to buy a dress by one of the dress shops. I was appalled that they would not take my money just because we were not buying the dress 9 months to a year before the actual date. The days leading up to the wedding usually are filled with stress and chaos, but also fun and joy. The anticipation of the big event is enough to drive the sanest person a little crazy along the way. Also, no matter how much you plan there are things that can happen that you cannot control…like at my son’s wedding when it rained what seemed like buckets of water for several hours leading up to the big event. We had to move inside because of how much rain fell that day. Even though we were not able to have the event outside as planned, my son and daughter-in-law are still married. You see, the event is nice and pretty. It can be exciting and fun. It should be reverent and meaningful. But it is an event.

I was talking to a couple leading up to their big event not too long ago. She was saying how she wanted the ceremony to go right since there had been previous marriages in their backgrounds. She actually stated that the track record of the previous ceremonies was not good. (She was referring to the previous divorces.) I told her that the ceremony would go very well. It is not the wedding ceremony that makes the marriage but rather the effort in the relationship. Here are four areas of your relationship that will help insure the marriage will last.

Being Trustworthy. Marriages have to be built on trust. When the trust is broken, the relationship is very difficult to mend. Are you honest in all areas of your life? Do you have any secret compartments? Are you willing to allow your spouse into the deepest regions of your soul? These questions help you understand the importance of being trustworthy. Remember Trust is earned. Your spouse is not going to just trust you. You have to maintain the trust you have earned and continue to work on earning more.
Being Friends. Friendship is very important to the marriage relationship. As friends, you continue to desire to spend time together and have fun together. Do you think about what you can do together? Do you have your spouse’s interests in mind when you make plans? Do you only want to go the the places that you like and do only what you want to do? These questions will help you grow your friendship.
Being Lovers. I think that most couples when they get married think that this area of their marriage will never wane. I have read and heard about this challenge that has been given to couples for years. Put a marble in a jar every time you have sex the first year of your marriage. Then take a marble out every time after your first anniversary. It normally takes 2 to 3 years to empty the jar. When I tell couples that in pre-marital counseling, they are shocked. This area of your marriage has to be worked on and not taken for granted. Do you plan time to be sexual? Do you take your sexual relationship for granted? Are you always too tired? Do you consider your spouse’s needs? Are you always just wanting to be spontaneous? Take time to plan time for your sexual lives. Make a date.
Being Teammates. The Bible says that “two shall become one.” This does not mean that either spouse loses his/her identity, but rather the relationship is built on the unity of the two. Both partners should be better because of the marriage than apart from each other. Is that true for you? Do you feel like you are at odds with one another? Are you going in the same direction? Do you feel your mate is your enemy or your teammate? Realize that your spouse is not your enemy, but rather Satan is the enemy of marriage as well as God and you. He wants to separate you so that he can win a battle. He’s already lost the war; he’s just trying to get as many casualties as possible.

The wedding is a very special event in your relationship. Yes, a great deal of planning, spending, fretting, and working go into the big day. It is the work that goes into all the days that follow it that are even more important. That work is always rewarding.

Bradley D. Watson, BCBT

Directed Path Ministries

Providing Hope in Troubled Times

Marital Intimacy…It’s Not Just About Sex

September 8, 2014 By bwatson Leave a Comment

What do you think about when you hear the word “intimacy?” I know that is a dangerous question to ask. Most men are going to answer with a simple word: “sex.” Women think differently mostly, but they too will answer with “sex” pretty quickly. dictionary.com uses several definitions, but the one that I liked the most is: a close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding…I realize that this definition is discussing a place, history, or a subject. I believe that this definition is also accurate for the marriage relationship, especially the detailed knowledge or deep understanding. One author defined intimacy as “in-to-me-you-see” on a marriage enrichment video series I saw several years ago.

Let’s look at the word intimacy using the definition above as it relates to marriage. The first phrase, “a close association,” describes the marriage relationship. There is no relationship closer than marriage. The Bible says that the husband and wife become one flesh in Gen. 2:24. In other words, a husband and wife should work as one. Their thoughts, desires, goals, and commitments for their marriage should be the same, or at least very similar. I am not saying that either person loses his/her individuality, but the marriage should become the main focus of each spouse.

The second phrase, “detailed knowledge,” is critical for a successful marriage. Married couples should understand one another better than any other relationship. Do you know the history of your spouse? Do you know their background? Their likes and dislikes? Their dreams…goals for their lives? What makes them tick and ticked and know the difference? The marriage relationship should carry with it the deepest knowledge a person can have of another person. Do you take the time to get to know your spouse? Don’t assume that the knowledge will just come as time goes along; ask questions and listen.

The third phrase, “deep understanding,” continues the idea of getting to know each other. As a matter of fact, husbands are told to live with their wives in an understanding way (I Pet. 3:&). When we understand our wives, we can encourage them to flourish in their lives. We provide security for them to succeed within their individuality as well as within the marriage.

Can you think of a relationship that develops as deeply as marriage? Over the next few days, I am going to look at some of the different types of intimacy within the marriage relationship. I will delve into physical, relational, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual intimacies. I hope you will join me each day and join in the discussion.

Bradley D. Watson, BCBT

Directed Path Ministries

Helping Others Using God’s Principles

Getting Off the Merry-Go-Round

August 28, 2014 By bwatson Leave a Comment

In the spirit of Throw-Back-Thursday, I thought I would repost my most viewed blog. Originally posted Aug. 20, 2012

Ephesians 5:31-33

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

³¹ For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. ³²This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. ³³Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she^[a] respects her husband.

When a couple comes into my office the very first time, I usually ask each person what the problem in their marriage is according to their opinion. Many times one or both individuals will answer with “if my spouse would change, we would be fine.” I always chuckle at remarks such as this because we as people are always quick to blame someone else so we do not have to focus on our own behavior. Even after explaining that each person in the marriage plays a role in the harmony as well as the conflict, I have had several continue to insist that the problem in the other person in the relationship.

Today, I would like to share with you that an attitude like that is most likely the main problem in the conflict. You see, when a person is unwilling to examine his/her own life and own behavior, change will not occur which means that the conflict will just be a merry-go-round with some ups and downs but always end up at the same place. I don’t know about you but merry-go-rounds are not my favorite rides at the carnival. Matter of fact, I have not been on one at the carnival or fair in about 20 years when my children needed me to ride with them.

So how do you get off the merry-go-round in your marriage and begin moving toward the common goal of a harmonious relationship that is fulfilling for each person involved?

Here are several things that need to be addressed.

You have to take your eyes off your spouse’s behavior. When you are focused on your spouse’s behavior, you cannot look at yourself and the role you are supposed to play. You see, the Bible gives each the husband and the wife a role to play. There has to be a balance between the two for the relationship to work properly. (Now if your spouse is being abusive or committing adultery, that is another subject all together. This discussion is for those conflicts that occur in most relationships.)
You need to ask the question “What am I doing wrong?” As I have already stated that each person plays a role in the conflict as well as the cooperation. Are there areas of relationship that you could be doing things differently or better? Are you being selfish in some of your thinking? Are you more concerned about your needs than the needs of your spouse? All of these questions need to be answered. If any of them are answered “yes” then you have some work to do on your own behavior.
You need to ask the question “What am I doing right?” You might be confused with this question. Sometimes a person loses sight of what is good in his/her behavior. Many individuals believe the lie that he/she is the total problem in the marriage, which is not the case. (Again, we are not dealing with adultery or abuse here.)
You need to remember you are on the same team. Your spouse is not the enemy. Satan loves to bring conflict into marriages. He uses whatever means he can to separate the union that God has brought together, even if that means creating disharmony through friction. A husband and wife are to be one in spirit as well as flesh. If a couple does not remember this, the clash of the two will bring a chasm that is difficult to overcome.

When your favorite football team takes the field in a couple of weeks, I want to encourage you to notice if the offense is blaming the defense for the mistakes being made or for the losses incurred. Maybe the defense is blaming the offense for the losses. Which ever the case, that team is in trouble!! But, if when a team loses, everyone begins talking about the changes they need to make and they win as a team and lose as a team, there is hope for that team to improve. The same is true for your team of being a husband and wife. If you can identify what you are doing wrong and what you need to work on and allow your spouse to do the same, your marriage can be a winning marriage moving in the right direction of bringing God glory and you fulfillment.

Bradley D. Watson, BCBT

Directed Path Ministries

Helping Others Using God’s Principles

Can I Ever Understand My Wife?

July 24, 2014 By bwatson Leave a Comment

This quote is a typical man’s thought, but I think differently.

A man came into my office one day truly upset about the way his marriage was going. He sat down and began to relate to me the difficulty he was having even carrying on a conversation with his wife. After a few minutes of sharing his frustrations, he blurted out “I just don’t understand her!!” “She is different than me in every area. She thinks differently, talks differently, and acts differently,” he continued. He concluded with, “I just don’t know what I am going to do.”

After listening to him for several minutes, I finally told him that I understood exactly how he felt. I told him that I had struggled and continue to struggle at times in this department…But there is hope for all men!! I know that statement is true because I Pet. 3:7 says “You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way,…” If God’s Word tells us to do something, that must mean that it is possible. Now I know that not all men will take the time and make the effort to understand their wives, but it is possible. Let’s look at some ways that help us to be more understanding.

Listen to them. Most men tune their wives out as she relates to him the events of her day. They begin to think of things to do or to say to shorten the conversation. One thing that ends a conversation quickly is pulling out the phone while she is talking to you. (Unfortunately, I learned this lesson the hard way.) Your wife is not trying to bore you with details. She is sharing with you what is important to her.
Ask questions. I know…I know…men do not like to ask questions. They think is a sign of weakness if they ask questions. I have often wondered where we get these notions. Questions are a wonderful tool to use to get to know someone. When we talk to people we just met, we ask questions about their lives, work, children, etc. We need to do the same with our wives. Ask her about her dreams, likes, dislikes, as well as her expectations. Be as specific as you want your relationship to grow to a deeper level. No one wants a mediocre marriage, do they?
Take interest in her interests. This step has been difficult for me, yet it also has been rewarding. I have gone to museums, plays, and to Japanese restaurants that serve sushi because that is what my wife likes to do. I am not much into any of that, but I am into my wife. Almost every time, I’ve ended up truly enjoying myself and I know that she enjoyed herself.

These three steps are starting point for all men to understand their wives. Men, do you want to have a growing relationship with the person you have vowed to spend the rest of your life with? Get to know her. Learn to understand her. When you do, your marriage will flourish. If you don’t, your marriage will stagnate. I believe it is your choice.

I would love to hear how you have learned to understand your wife. Please leave your comments below.

Empathy…Can I Learn It?

July 16, 2014 By bwatson Leave a Comment

“I just don’t understand you at all. You are controlled by your emotions and I think that’s crazy!”

“You are as emotional as a stump!”

“You never care about what I care about. You are just selfish and only care about yourself.”

Have you ever heard statements like these? Or have you ever said anything like these?

Too many times in my practice I have heard these statements or something very similar. People make these type of statements out of frustration, aggravation, and anger. They are trying to communicate the emotional differences between the husband and the wife. Obviously, the differences are vast. Generally speaking, women are more emotional than men while men are more logical or analytical. Most of the time women are more relational than men while men are more competitive. (again generally speaking) Men like action while women like romance. I could go on about the differences between men and women because as I said they are vast. But this is not to point out the differences, but it is to show the need for empathy in marriage.

Philippians 2:3-4 (NASB95)

3 Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;

4 do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.

Empathy is very difficult for many people and yet it is the deepest form of understanding there is. While sympathy says “I care about you,” empathy says “I care with you.” In a marriage relationship, caring with your spouse about the different issues in life is paramount for the relationship to grow and thrive. In our marriage, we never want to feel that we are just surviving. One way for that to happen is to feel that our spouse is being empathetic.

How can we become empathetic?

Ask questions for understanding. Asking questions is a very good tool to use in order to understand the person you are talking to better. In order to empathize with someone, you must understand them first.
Validate the other person. Even if you do not agree with how the person feels about the situation, you still need to let them know that they are important to you. This action will also go a long way in showing empathy.
Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. How would you respond in their situation? How would react if someone told you that you were crazy? I told a couple the other day that in order to show empathy that you needed to keep a pair of your spouse’s shoes in their pockets at all times. If you are carrying your spouse’s shoes, you will find it easier to “put them on.”
Learn to accept the emotion of your spouse. This step is very difficult for men. The only emotion men really know how to show is anger and that most of the time is shown inappropriately. Romans 12:15 (NASB95) 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. This verse shows us that we can share each other’s emotions even if we do not fully understand them. This step takes practice and patience. I believe that if we truly care about our spouse, we will be willing to work toward this important step.
Finally, commit to the love that you have for your spouse. So many times we do become selfish and self-centered. When our spouse is upset at us or something that we don’t think they should be upset about, we have to remember that we love this person and they are very important to us. When we begin to work at thinking this way, we can learn to empathize.

When we learn to empathize with our spouse, our relationship will grow in its intimacy. Emotional intimacy is a level of intimacy that can and will affect all other levels of intimacy. Empathy can be learned by anyone if the time and effort is put forth.

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