4 Questions To Ask About Your Sexual Desires in Marriage

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I believe that everyone would agree that the sexual relationship between a husband and a wife is one of the most important aspects of a marriage.  I do Couple in Bednot believe that it is the most important, but it is in the top two or three.  I believe that the sexual relationship is a barometer of all other aspects of the marriage.  With that being said, I have been asked by several couples about the limits of their sexual experiences.  The questions have been, “My husband would like to do _______ and I am not sure I am comfortable with it.  How should we approach it?”  Or, “I think ______ would be interesting and fun.  How do I get my husband(wife) to try it?”  You might wonder if people really have asked me these questions, and the answer is “YES.”  But they FILLED in the blank.  For a 50+ year-old, very conservative man, I can tell you that those conversations were not my most favorite.  Yet, I realize that in our sex-crazed world these are issues that are being dealt with in Christian marriages.  There are several blogs that handle sexual issues explicitly.  Here are a couple that I read regularly.

Sex Within Marriage

The Generous Husband & The Generous Wife

Hot,Holy, & Humorous

There are many more. You can find them at Christian Marriage Bloggers Association.

These are some good resources for some of the more taboo subjects as well as some How To’s for married couples.

I want to share with you some of the talking points when it comes to these taboo subjects. 

  1. Are you being selfish?  Many sexual acts are extremely selfish.  The sexual relationship is designed for both partners to be satisfied and fulfilled.  Certain acts do not bring the same satisfaction to both partners.
  2. Are you both comfortable?  Do either of you feel degraded by performing certain acts?  I realize that stretching one’s comfort zone might be important to keep things from getting stale, but both partners need to be in agreement to how far the zone is stretched.
  3. Why do you want to try the new position/act?  Where did you learn it from?  If you have been watching porn, you need to realize that your spouse probably is not going to feel the same excitement of certain aspects of your requests.  You need to be conscientious of your mate’s desires as well as her/his inhibitions.
  4. Is it honoring to your bodies?  Finally, we are the temple of God.  We need to treat our body along with our mate’s body as such.Hebrews 13-4

Remember, God created sex in the Garden of Eden for several reasons.  One of those reasons is the enjoyment of each other.  Talk about your sex life, pray about your sex life, and enjoy your sex life.

Can you think of other questions that might help you deal with issues of one spouse wanting something that the other spouse has not tried or does not want?

Brad 2014Bradley D. Watson, BCBT

Directed Path Ministries

After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry.  The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word toshine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.

Develop The Life and Marriage You Desire

7 Common Conflict Issues in Marriage

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When we are good, we’re very good! But when we are bad, we are disastrous!!  I have heard that phrase or something similar to it from almost every couple that has come into my office.  Marriage is unique in the fact that when the relationship is good, it is very fulfilling; yet, when the relationship is not so good, marriage is frustrating and aggravating.   I have heard some people say, “I love my wife but I do not like her whatsoever!”  Everyone that has been married for any length of time has had similar feelings and thoughts about their marriage.  What causes these feelings?  Where do we go wrong when it comes to being married?

Marital Conflict

I want to give you what I consider the top seven areas of conflict in marriage.  Over the next couple of weeks, we will address each one specifically.

  1. Expectations:  When we get married, we have a set of expectations that govern our thoughts about marriage.  Either those expectations are formed by the way our parents treated their marriage, or by a fantasy that was developed while we were young.  If our parents had a good marriage, then we probably expect our marriage to be similar.  If our parents divorced or had major conflict, we develop our fantasy of what we desire.  Either way, our expectations can become a source of conflict in our marriage.
  2. Children:  I do believe that children are a gift from God.  No one is ever a mistake or a problem, yet children are something that couples fight about within marriage quite often.  Some of the topics of concern are when to have children, how many to have, how to discipline them, and how to educate them.   Then if you have children from another relationship, those issues are magnified.  Obviously, kids can be a great source of blessing and fulfillment.  Or they can be a great source of conflict.
  3. Money:  How do we budget?  What do we spend it on?  Who makes the decisions about what is spent?  How do we save?  Do we make enough?  Each one of these topics can be a source of conflict. 
  4. Time:  Everyone has the same 24 hours in a day.  Using time for yourself versus using time for your marriage is the main issue.  Everyone needs time alone, but how much?  Everyone needs to have hobbies, but do they interfere with the marriage?  Everyone has to work, but when is it enough?  Time can be a major source of conflict for a couple.
  5. Sex:  Most people do not expect the sexual relationship to be an issue when they get married.  They believe that area will be one that is very fulfilling, yet is becomes an area of frustration for many couples.  There is so much more to this area of the relationship than just being in bed together. 
  6. Family:  The extended family can create sources of conflict for a couple.  Their demands and expectations can be a strain.  The conflicts among family members can create struggles.  The physical distance between families can be a source of problems for a couple, not to mention the free advice that can be given.
  7. Communication:  We live in the information age.  We are connected through all different forms of communication.  We text, chat, tweet, post and sometimes we talk.  Even with all of that, sometimes we do not understand one another or connect with each other.

Each one of these issues can create great conflict in a marriage.  This list is not necessarily in any specific order.  It does represent the struggles that I have seen over the years in a lot of marriages.  Again, over the next couple of weeks I will address each topic in depth. 

What would you add to the list?  I would love to hear any additional topics that you would like for me to address.

Brad 2014

Bradley D. Watson, BCBT
Directed Path Ministries

After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry.  The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word to shine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.

Develop The Life and Marriage You Desire

5 Reasons For Sex In Marriage

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IntimacyIf we put the different areas of intimacy – physical, relational, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual – in levels of difficulty, physical intimacy would be at the bottom of the list or deemed one of the easiest to achieve, if not the easiest.  Our society puts a high priority on the sexual relationship between two people.  You cannot watch many television programs or go to many movies without seeing some form of sexual activity between two of the characters on the screen.  The bombardment of sex begins in many people’s lives early in their teens, at school as well as through media outlets.  Many people act on that bombardment for several years before they get married.  I’ve heard people talk about their one-night stands with people they just met.  I do not believe that God wants this for us.  God wants our sexual lives to be pleasing to Him as well as to us.

Sexual IntimacyThe Bible states in Hebrews 13:4 that the marriage bed is to be undefiled.  in I Corinthians 7, Paul describes the sexual relationship between a husband and wife.  He gives each person the responsibility of meeting the sexual needs of their spouse.  The Song of Solomon describes a love relationship between two people with sections of the book explicit concerning the details of their sexual activity.  When God created Adam and Eve, the Bible says that they were “Naked and unashamed.”  The point of all these scripture references, of which there are many more, is to indicate the importance that God puts on the sexual relationship within marriage.  He created sex for several purposes.

  1. Procreation:  Genesis 1:28 says “Be fruitful and multiply.”  Obviously, God created sex for families to grow.
  2. Enjoyment:  God created the male and the female to enjoy sexual activity.  The female has more areas of her body that responds to touch than a man does.  There are more nerve endings within her genitalia than a man’s.  Prov. 5:18 says that the wife is to be a fountain of blessing to her husband.  This verse is referring to satisfaction of their relationship.  Song of Solomon 1:2 says, “May he kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! For your love is better than wine.”
  3. Comfort:  When Bathsheba’s child died, the Bible says that David comforted her and slept with her. (2 Samuel 12:24)  Even in the darkest times in our lives, the sexual union of a husband and wife has a gentle, caring, and comforting element that helps in the healing process.
  4. Protection:  God gave us the gift of sex within marriage so that we would not have to go outside of the relationship to be sexually fulfilled.  There is a great protection for both the man and the woman here.  The woman’s greatest need is to feel protected.  She needs to know that she is the only one and that she is not compared to anyone else.  There is no fear of diseases or outside pregnancies.  I Corinthians 7 tells us not to refrain from sex for a long period of time so Satan cannot tempt us.
  5. Intimacy:   Genesis 2:24 claims that “two become one flesh.”  The sexual union of the husband and wife connects them completely.  This union carries with it so much more than just sexual enjoyment.  It should include an emotional and spiritual connection.  Solomon describes that intimacy in several places.  Here is just one of those:   Song of Solomon 1:13: “My beloved is to me a pouch of myrrh which lies all night between my breasts.”  2:6: “Let his left hand be under my head and his right hand embrace me.”  These two verses show the closeness of such a physical relationship.Male:Female Symbols

God created sex with marriage in mind.  He knew He created man and woman with a sexual desire.  He then created marriage to meet that desire.  God desires for us as married couples to enjoy the gift that He has given.

Can you think of other reasons God created sex for married couples?  I would love to hear your thoughts.

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Bradley D. Watson, BCBT
Directed Path Ministries

After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry.  The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word to shine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.

Helping Others Using God’s Principles

Marital Intimacy…It’s Not Just About Sex

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IntimacyWhat do you think about when you hear the word “intimacy?”  I know that is a dangerous question to ask.  Most men are going to answer with a simple word:  “sex.”  Women think differently mostly, but they too will answer with “sex” pretty quickly.  dictionary.com uses several definitions, but the one that I liked the most is: a close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding…I realize that this definition is discussing a place, history, or a subject.  I believe that this definition is also accurate for the marriage relationship, especially the detailed knowledge or deep understanding. One author defined intimacy as “in-to-me-you-see” on a marriage enrichment video series I saw several years ago.

Let’s look at the word intimacy using the definition above as it relates to marriage.  The first phrase, “a close association,” describes the marriage relationship.  There is no relationship closer than marriage.  The Bible says that the husband and wife become one flesh in Gen. 2:24.  In other words, a husband and wife should work as one.  Their thoughts, desires, goals, and commitments for their marriage should be the same, or at least very similar.  I am not saying that either person loses his/her individuality, but the marriage should become the main focus of each spouse.

The second phrase, “detailed knowledge,” is critical for a successful marriage.  Married couples should understand one another better than any other relationship.  Do you know the history of your spouse?  Do you know their background?  Their likes and dislikes?  Their dreams…goals for their lives?  What makes them tick and ticked and know the difference?  The marriage relationship should carry with it the deepest knowledge a person can have oHolding Hands Intimatelyf another person.  Do you take the time to get to know your spouse?  Don’t assume that the knowledge will just come as time goes along; ask questions and listen.

The third phrase, “deep understanding,” continues the idea of getting to know each other.  As a matter of fact, husbands are told to live with their wives in an understanding way (I Pet. 3:&).  When we understand our wives, we can encourage them to flourish in their lives.  We provide security for them to succeed within their individuality as well as within the marriage.  

Can you think of a relationship that develops as deeply as marriage?  Over the next few days, I am going to look at some of the different types of intimacy within the marriage relationship.  I will delve into physical, relational, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual intimacies.  I hope you will join me each day and join in the discussion.

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Bradley D. Watson, BCBT
Directed Path Ministries

After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry.  The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word to shine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.

Helping Others Using God’s Principles

Sexual Security

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Yesterday I wrote The Woman’s Greatest Need in Marriage and I finished by giving a list of the areas women need security. Today I would like to discuss the area of sexual security for a woman and how a husband can make his wife feel secure sexually.

ImageWe live in a very sexually charged society. We cannot drive down the road without seeing sexually explicit billboards. We’ve all heard the adage that sex sells. Well everything from the beer companies to the car companies believes that statement. When we turn on the TV we see all kinds of degrees of sexual content from the commercials to the shows themselves. Even when we open our mailboxes, there can be ads that are not the most wholesome. So what do we do about all of this in our marriages?

Women, for the most part, are very conscientious about their bodies. They have been comparing themselves to photos and other women most of their lives. Do I look as good as so-and-so? How do I compare to ________? I don’t like this area of my body or any part of my body. Then they see the models or the ads and it can create even more frustration and insecurity than ever before. If a woman has a baby, her body changes and then more insecurities can be felt. As a woman gets older, insecurities can prevail in her thinking.

Wow, when we start thinking about how a woman can feel about herself, we can see how difficult it is to maintain security in our relationship with them. So how do we maintain security in our sexual lives with our wives?

  • Having Eyes just for them. We need to be cautious of who we look at and how we look. I realize that many men do not think that it is wrong to look at other women. I have been told, “even though I’m on a diet doesn’t mean I can’t look at the menu.” I can tell you that an attitude like that does not create a secure atmosphere for a wife. Men, we need to focus on making sure that we do not stare, gawk or really even look at someone else. Even the TV shows that we watch can create insecurity for our wives. How do we respond to commercials or to how the people are dressed in the programs that we watch are very important. A lot of the time, I close my eyes or look at my wife during certain commercials or programs. She then tells me when I can look. This action by me helps my wife feel secure in our relationship.

Job 31:1 (NASB)
1 “I have made a covenant with my eyes; How then could I gaze at a virgin?

Matthew 5:28 (NASB)
28 but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

  • NO PORN!! I realize that this one is similar to the first one, but I want to reiterate this point. Pornography is demeaning to women. Your wife believes that she cannot compete with the women in the pictures and would not be able to perform as those women perform in the videos. If you want your wife to feel secure with you, you cannot be involved in such behavior.
  • Complement your wife. Tell her that you find her attractive. Tell her what you like about her body in flattering ways. Do not talk nasty. Most women again find this demeaning. I know that I am talking in generalities, but most of the time they are right.

 Song of Songs 4:1 (NASB)
1 “How beautiful you are, my darling, How beautiful you are! Your eyes are like doves behind your veil; Your hair is like a flock of goats That have descended from Mount Gilead.

  • Talk about Sex. Talk about her needs and desires. Let her tell you what she likes. Let her guide you. It will be probably more enjoyable for you as well as for her. Tell her what you want and need. Wait for her response. Don’t force her to try something that she is uncomfortable with.

I know that these are just a few suggestions and there can be so much more written. I would love to hear how you can add to this.

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I provide Biblical Counseling for:
  • People who are hurting in their marriages and families.
  • People who are hurting emotionally and spiritually.
  • People who are seeking freedom from the bondage in their lives.

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