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Where It All Began

February 13, 2015 By bwatson 2 Comments

A couple of days ago, my daughter wrote a blog about when she met her husband for the first time.  She could remember the details of the day that was just 5 years ago.  I also have memories of that time, at least the weeks following that day…but that’s a blog for another day. 

East-Texas-Baptist-University-6253ACBD

Her reminiscing caused me to start thinking about when I met her mother.  I don’t remember the date of when it happened…I don’t remember any names of the other people that were around…I don’t remember what I was wearing…But I remember her! That brown hair…Dark Brown Eyes…That Smile that melted me at first glance…Her petite body…Can I just say WOW!!!

I began my studies at East Texas Baptist College in the fall of 1982 after a stint of playing at Baylor University the previous year.  During that fall semester, I met a lot of people.  I had been dating a girl for a couple of months, but we “broke up” over our differences of what the ministry might look like for me.  I was really just trying to get back into the swing of going to school that first semester.  After the winter break, I was settled into going to classes.  I had a very good friend from my home town as a roommate and I was actually enjoying the experience.  Then it happened.  I had seen this girl around campus…being a small school, you see everyone at some time. 

It was basketball season.  I love basketball.  I would go to all of the games.  Our team wasn’t as good as I would have liked, but it was still basketball.  At this particular game, I was sitting in the stands with several other people — guys and girls alike.  The game wasn’t nearly as interesting as being in the group.  Some how the conversation turned to cooking, cleaning, ironing and the like.  If my memory serves me correctly, the girls were all complaining about having to do such things. 

(Just a side note, my roommate and I would iron our shirts every day.  We would compete to see who could get the best crease in the shirt sleeves.  Weird for guys, I know.) 

After listening to them complain for a while, I finally spoke up.  I blurted out that I could do all of those things and that I was in the habit of doing them.  Of course I lied about some of it.  I didn’t, nor do I clean very well.  Cooking is not something that I’ve ever been confident in doing.  But the ironing, I still do.  But no one knew that I was lying.  Well, my statement caught Lisa’s attention.  She turned to me and proposed right there on the spot.  (Obviously she was kidding, as we didn’t really know each other yet.)  I should I said “yes” and swept her away to the courthouse and married her right then and there.  I didn’t, but our relationship began at that moment.

We didn’t know it, but God was going to use that basketball game to bring us to a point 32 years later that we would not just be married with kids and grandkids, but we would also be in the marriage ministry together.  What a ride it has been!!!

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4 Keys for a Successful Dating Relationship in Marriage

February 11, 2015 By bwatson 12 Comments

Counselors, bloggers, and marriage educators have been talking about dating for married couples for the past several years.  I remember hearing about dating as a married couple in the 1980’s really for the first time.  My parents would go to functions and get us a baby sitter but I guess that I never considered them going on dates.  What I do remember was that they would go to church functions or work events.  Every once in a while, they would go to a concert at the college or a community play.  While I’m thinking about it, yes they went on a few dates while I was growing up.  They just did not talk about dating as a couple.

Dating is important at any stage in the marriage relationship.  If you are newlyweds, you might think that every day is a date.  You are still excited about being around each other and you are not worried about the “cares” of everyday life yet.  You play and joke and just enjoy being together.  If you are parents of children, dating becomes more difficult.  You have to find a sitter.  You are more tired because of work and taking care of the kids.  Your children have different activities to get to and you are their taxi drivers.  Just remembering those days is making me tired.   Maybe you are like me and my wife:  empty-nesters.  Dating can still be challenging because of work schedules, fatigue from work itself, or financial crises, not to mention babysitting grandkids.  Every stage of married life needs dating to be a part of it, yet each stage carries its own set of struggles to accomplish dating.  How do we have a successful dating relationship while we are married?Romantic Evening 2

  1. Schedule a date night.  Obviously once a week would be best for this.  Some schedules do not allow for that as well as some budgets would not allow it.  Therefore, schedule a date night at least once per month.  Put it on your calendar.  Budget for it.  Make it a priority to your relationship.
  2. Be creative with your dates.  Try not to get into a rut of what a date is for you.  I know that this can be difficult in some communities, but work together to broaden your scope for dating.  I confess that this is a problem for me.  I think that all dates should include a sit-down dinner at a restaurant.  I am trying to expand my thoughts to something more imaginative.
  3. Be attentive on your dates.  Put the phone away.  If you are sitting a table in a restaurant, sit across from each other so you can look at each other.  Talk to your mate.  Laugh and cut up together.  Play footsies under the table.  When you spend time looking at your phone, your spouse thinks he/she is not important.  I have started giving my phone to my wife when we go out on a date.  That way she can control if it gets answered and I will not be tempted to play games or text while we are on the date.
  4. Alternate choosing the dates.  If you always choose what you are going to do on the date, let your spouse plan the date.  You might be surprised at what they want to do.  I have encouraged couples to rotate each month for the dates.  The man plans all the dates for this month and the woman plans all the dates for next month.  Neither person can complain about the choices for the dates.  This allows for more variety in the dates as well as takes the pressure off of any one person to decide on each date.

We need to keep our marriage fresh and spontaneous through dating.

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Each one of us need to be actively dating our spouse.  We need to keep our marriage fresh and spontaneous through dating.  I hope that these suggestions of how to have a successful dating relationship in your marriage is helpful to you.

What would you add to the suggestions?

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Becoming “One” Financially

February 10, 2015 By bwatson 3 Comments

A few weeks ago, I watched an episode of The Big Bang Theory which featured a common relationship problem.  I realize that this sitcom does not offer good relationship advice.  In this particular episode, Penny and Leonard were arguing about money.  They then went to Howard and Bernadette to see if they struggle with such things.  As I watched each couple deal with their issues in such a dysfunctional way, I had to laugh at how common money problems are in a marriage.  Finally, Leonard and Penny promised each other that they would not fight about money in their upcoming marriage.  Again, I laughed.

Do you get nervous every time the bank statement comes to the house?  Do you try to hide the credit card bills?  Do you and your spouse fight regularly over the finances in your marriage?

Fighting Couple

Where does money rate on your conflict scale?  On many surveys, money is in the top two or three of conflict areas in a marriage.  In my office, money issues are talked about almost as much as any other issue.  The topic of money might just be a symptom of more serious issues, such as someone being controlling or selfish and a lack of oneness in the marriage.  (Each of those topics are for other blogs.)  Yet, we have to deal with the money issue in order to get to the root issues many times.  So let’s look at a few questions that will help in dealing with the big issues with money.

  1. How would you classify yourself when it comes to money — a spender or a saver?  Is one of you a saver while the other is a spender?  Are both of you spenders?  If that is true, you will have major problems.  Are both of you savers?  Sometimes that creates problems, because one might be saving for the future while the other is just saving for the next purchase.  Defining yourself is a good place to start when addressing the money issue.
  2. Do you have a joint account or do you have separate accounts?  In our society today with both spouses working outside of the home primarily, many couples keep “their” money separate.  I’m not advocating separate accounts or joint accounts.  I’ve seen it work and not work both ways.  The main question is “Do you agree on this issue?”  Also, do both spouses pay “equally” toward the household bills?
  3. Do you have a budget?  I know that many people believe that is an ugly word.  Budgets are so restrictive.  Budgets don’t allow for spontaneity.  Budgets take too much time.  You fill in the blank of why you do not like budgets.  Yet, budgets are tools that allow you as a couple to work toward the same financial goals as well as to make sure your bills are paid.  Budgets help you stay on track. 

Talking about these three questions will help you as you move toward oneness in the financial area of your marriage.  Being “one” financially will govern how you think about your spending as well as your saving.  

Being “one” financially will govern how you think about your spending as well as your saving.

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  Financial issues do not need to create problems for couples.  The issues should become points of connection as you work toward having a covenant marriage.

How have you dealt with the money issues in your relationship? 

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4 Questions To Ask About Your Sexual Desires in Marriage

January 6, 2015 By bwatson 2 Comments

I believe that everyone would agree that the sexual relationship between a husband and a wife is one of the most important aspects of a marriage.  I do Couple in Bednot believe that it is the most important, but it is in the top two or three.  I believe that the sexual relationship is a barometer of all other aspects of the marriage.  With that being said, I have been asked by several couples about the limits of their sexual experiences.  The questions have been, “My husband would like to do _______ and I am not sure I am comfortable with it.  How should we approach it?”  Or, “I think ______ would be interesting and fun.  How do I get my husband(wife) to try it?”  You might wonder if people really have asked me these questions, and the answer is “YES.”  But they FILLED in the blank.  For a 50+ year-old, very conservative man, I can tell you that those conversations were not my most favorite.  Yet, I realize that in our sex-crazed world these are issues that are being dealt with in Christian marriages.  There are several blogs that handle sexual issues explicitly.  Here are a couple that I read regularly.

Sex Within Marriage

The Generous Husband & The Generous Wife

Hot,Holy, & Humorous

There are many more. You can find them at Christian Marriage Bloggers Association.

These are some good resources for some of the more taboo subjects as well as some How To’s for married couples.

I want to share with you some of the talking points when it comes to these taboo subjects. 

  1. Are you being selfish?  Many sexual acts are extremely selfish.  The sexual relationship is designed for both partners to be satisfied and fulfilled.  Certain acts do not bring the same satisfaction to both partners.
  2. Are you both comfortable?  Do either of you feel degraded by performing certain acts?  I realize that stretching one’s comfort zone might be important to keep things from getting stale, but both partners need to be in agreement to how far the zone is stretched.
  3. Why do you want to try the new position/act?  Where did you learn it from?  If you have been watching porn, you need to realize that your spouse probably is not going to feel the same excitement of certain aspects of your requests.  You need to be conscientious of your mate’s desires as well as her/his inhibitions.
  4. Is it honoring to your bodies?  Finally, we are the temple of God.  We need to treat our body along with our mate’s body as such.Hebrews 13-4

Remember, God created sex in the Garden of Eden for several reasons.  One of those reasons is the enjoyment of each other.  Talk about your sex life, pray about your sex life, and enjoy your sex life.

Can you think of other questions that might help you deal with issues of one spouse wanting something that the other spouse has not tried or does not want?

Brad 2014Bradley D. Watson, BCBT

Directed Path Ministries

After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry.  The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word toshine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.

Develop The Life and Marriage You Desire

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HAPPY NEW YEAR

December 31, 2014 By bwatson Leave a Comment

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

I pray that as you begin the New Year that you will seek the Lord in your plans for the coming days, weeks, and months.  I pray that God will bless you greatly and that your life and marriage will grow in ways that will be pleasing to you and honoring to Him.

happy new year wallpaper 2015 for facebook

Here are some of the highlights of 2014 for Directed Path Ministries.

  1. Five Steps to Enhance Your Married Sex Life
  2. A Meaning Father-Son Conversation
  3. Selfishness is Deadly
  4. How Can I Make My Spouse Love Me Again?
  5. Keeping Score in Marriage
  6. 5 Steps to Emotional Intimacy
  7. 7 Steps to Move Your Marriage Expectations to Reality

People from over 80 countries visited my blog, which blows my mind.  Thank you for reading and sharing the different blogs that you have enjoyed.  I look forward to even better things in 2015!!

Brad 2014

Bradley D. Watson, BCBT

Directed Path Ministries

After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry.  The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word to shine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.

Develop The Life and Marriage You Desire

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Applying The Five Dysfunctions of a Team to Your Marriage

December 9, 2014 By bwatson 1 Comment

TeamWorkOne aspect of marriage that seems to get overlooked so many times is Teamwork.  The Bible says that “two become one” yet much of the time we function solo.  We act based on our own feelings and desires without regard to our spouse’s feelings and desires.  At this moment we are not being “one” but rather two separate individuals.  The goal of marriage is for the two people to function as one unit throughout life.  As I played basketball in high school, I had coaches that would always tell us that we had to play as a team.  They would say, “you win as a team and you lose as a team.”  Even if one player had great games or horrible games, it still would be the team won or lost.  Marriage is the same way. 

I read The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, by Patrick Lencioni, a couple of weeks ago for an organization of which I am a part.  As I read the book, I began to think about how this relates to the team of marriage.  What makes marriages so dysfunctional and how do these five dysfunctions relate?

Dysfunction #1:  Absence of Trust.  So many times the couples that come into my office just do not trust the other person.  Sometimes this trust has been broken overtly by adultery,  but many times it has been broken by not following through on promises.  Trust has to be part of the foundation if the marriage is going to survive the turbulent times in life.  Trust is never just given; trust has to be earned and re-earned.  For a marriage to be built on trust, both spouses have to be trustworthy.

Dysfunction #2:  Fear of Conflict.  When conflict arises in marriage, one spouse might want peace at all costs and therefore will avoid conflict.  I actually had a man tell me that in sixty years of marriage he and his wife never fought.  He just always gave in to what she wanted.  Conflict in marriage is inevitable.  We have to be willing to confront those conflict issues and work on resolving them.  Without facing the conflict issues, we actually only have an artificial harmony.  We want true unity.5 Dysfuntions of a Team

Dysfunction #3:  Lack of Commitment.  When we recite our vows on our wedding day, we say something like:  “in sickness and in health, in good times and bad, till death do us part.”  We make a lifelong commitment.  Do we mean it?  In our throw-away society, we think about our marriage just the same way.  If things get too difficult, we think about “throwing away” our spouse and starting over by finding someone else.  To follow through on the commitment of marriage takes hard work every time and it brings about fulfilling results every time.

Dysfunction #4:  Avoidance of Accountability.  This dysfunction coincides with #2, Fear of Conflict.  Keeping our spouse accountable many times leads to conflict.  If a man has been guilty of being dishonest, looking at porn, or even committing adultery, naturally he does not want his wife reminding him of his wrong doings and questioning what he is doing now.  He might even go so far as accusing his wife of trying to be his mother.  No woman wants to be compared to her mother-in-law, so this dysfunction can create a great deal of conflict.  Accountability is necessary to rebuild trust.  It is also necessary to accomplish the goal of the couple to thrive as a couple.  Asking accountability questions, such as “where have you been?”, “what have you been doing?’, “have you started on that project yet?”, etc.,  is vital to keep the marriage moving in the right direction.  As you ask the questions, you have to remember not to nag or badger your spouse.  You are asking the questions to help move the marriage forward…not drag it down.

Dysfunction #5:  Inattention to Results.  The results of a marriage sometimes are difficult to quantify because they are more abstract than business results.  Business results are based on customers, sales, and profits, along with other criteria that can be counted.  Marriage results are based on fulfillment and satisfaction of both spouses, mental and physical health of children, and accomplishments that cannot easily be counted.  Because of this difficulty, many couples really do not know what they are striving for in their marriage.  One spouse might be selfish and only looking out for his own pleasure or his own fulfillment.  He or she might think that selfishness is acceptable as long as he/she is happy.  However, the “one” in marriage is both spouses functioning together to bring fulfillment to both, not just one.  Pay attention to the results that you desire in your marriage.

Each one of these dysfunctions listed in Lencioni’s book, The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, can be applied to a marriage.  How do they relate to your marriage?  Which of the five do you think is most important to you and your mate?

Brad 2014

Bradley D. Watson, BCBT
Directed Path Ministries

After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry.  The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word to shine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.

Develop The Life and Marriage You Desire

 

Affiliated Links included in text.

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Relieving Holiday Stress

November 14, 2014 By bwatson Leave a Comment

Originally posted Nov. 15, 2102.  Good reminders for the upcoming holiday season.

Thanksgiving TurkeyThe holiday season is upon us. With it comes parties and gatherings along with travel and gift giving. Wow! So much to think about and so much to do. How do we handle the stress of the holidays? How do we manage to juggle the different needs and desires that come along with what is supposed to be The Most Wonderful Time of The Year?

Many people do not look forward to the holidays because of the painful memories that are associated with this time of year: divorces, deaths of loved ones, past hurts, etc. Many people have fears of what the holidays might bring. Because of the seasonal times, many people are depressed during the holidays. All of these issues can bring added stress to the holidays. So again, let me ask, “How do we handle the stress of the holidays?”

I have a few suggestions that might help you as you think about the upcoming events that can crowd our calendars.

1.  Make a plan. Sit down with your family with a calendar and talk about the upcoming events. Prioritize the events as:

  • Mandatory
  • Best if attend
  • Good if attend
  • Want to attend but not important
  • Don’t need to attend

Now you might think that everything is mandatory for you to attend. I admit that family events are very important, but sometimes hard decisions need to be made for what is the most important concerning your needs for the time. If your calendar is too crowded with events over the holidays, you can feel overwhelmed and stressed which will cause a great deal of problems for you and you will not enjoy the season at all.

2.  Make a budget. Again, sit down with you family and talk about what you can afford. Many people spend more money during this time of the year then they do any other time. Many people go into debt over Christmas, which creates many more problems in the future. Some questions that need to be answered:

  • Can we afford to travel?
  • What can we afford to purchase for each person that we buy for?
  • Can we afford to bring gifts to every party?
  • How can we do what we want to do without borrowing money?

ChristmasI know that I am asking difficult questions. I know that I ask hard questions. Some of you might think that they are unrealistic and that is fine. Everyone chooses to celebrate the holidays in a way that they want, many times without consideration of how it is affecting their family and their relationships with others much less how it will affect their finances.

3. Communicate your plan. Tell your extended family and your friends what you will be doing during the holidays. Tell them the truth about the decisions you have made. Most of the time, family and friends will understand your decisions when they are communicated properly.

I know that so much is expected during the holidays. There are family parties, work parties, school events, along with church gatherings. I know that everyone wants to do everything, go everywhere, and give as much as possible. I am giving you some suggestions to help you eliminate as much stress as possible during them. When the stress levels are down, the enjoyment levels are much higher.

Brad 2014

Bradley D. Watson, BCBT
Directed Path Ministries

After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry.  The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word to shine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.

Develop The Life and Marriage You Desire

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38 Questions To Define Your Expectations

November 5, 2014 By bwatson Leave a Comment

Several months ago, I attended a marriage conference at our church that was led by Steve and Debbie Wilson.  They began the conference talking about expectations in marriage and gave three statements that explain the problems with expectations.

  • Unspoken Expectations lead to discouragement.
  • Unmet Expectations lead to disappointment.
  • Unreasonable Expectation lead to defeat.

With these statements in mind, let’s look at some questions that will help define our expectations in our marriages.

When we get married, most of the time we carry a suitcase full of expectations.  Some of those expectations are good and others are not so good.  In every marriage and pre-marriage counseling situation, I ask the couple to share their expectations of marriage.  I ask them to write them down and be as specific as they possibly can be.  I encourage them to think about the different areas of the marriage relationship and write out expectations in each area.  Most of the time couples bring back a list that includes:

  • I expect to love and be loved.
  • I expect to be best friends.
  • I expect to be able to trust my spouse.
  • I expect us to work together.

These are good expectations, but they are also very generic.  Here is a list that I have started giving to couples to help with this exercise.

questions in marriage

Questions To Define Your Expectations

Kitchen: 

  1. Who buys the groceries?
  2. Who cooks?
  3. Who cleans?
  4. Do we eat at the table as a family?
  5. How often do we eat out?

Chores:

  1. Who washes clothes?
  2. Will we have a schedule for washing clothes?
  3. Who keeps up the yard?
  4. Who cleans the house?
  5. Do the children have chores?
  6. Do the children get an allowance?
  7. How often do we vacuum, mop, etc.?

Budget:

  1. Do both spouses work outside of the home?
  2. Do we use credit cards?
  3. Do we save?
  4. Do we have separate accounts or a joint account?
  5. Do we plan for vacations or trips?
  6. Who pays the bills?
  7. Who balances the checkbook?
  8. What do we buy on credit?

Children:

  1. When do we start having children?
  2. How many children do we want?
  3. How will we discipline our children?
  4. How will we educate our children?
  5. How many outside activities will they participate in?

Romance:

  1. How often will we have date night?
  2. How often will we plan a weekend w/o kids?
  3. How often will we have sex?
  4. What are the limits to our sexual activities?

Extended Family:

  1. How often will we visit our parents?
  2. If we live in the same town, how often will we visit?
  3. If we live in separate towns, how often will we visit?
  4. What type of help will we expect from them?
  5. How much influence will we allow them to have on our relationship?
  6. If grandparents are living, the same questions apply.

Personal Time:

  1. How much time will my hobby take up?
  2. Will I have a guys/girls night out?  How often?
  3. How much alone time do I need?

There can be so many more questions that you can ask and answer to help you identify your expectations.  Talking about your expectations will help you eliminate a great deal of the conflict in your marriage.

What questions would you ask as you discuss your expectations?

Brad 2014

Bradley D. Watson, BCBT
Directed Path Ministries

After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry.  The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word to shine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.

Develop The Life and Marriage You Desire

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7 Common Conflict Issues in Marriage

November 4, 2014 By bwatson Leave a Comment

When we are good, we’re very good! But when we are bad, we are disastrous!!  I have heard that phrase or something similar to it from almost every couple that has come into my office.  Marriage is unique in the fact that when the relationship is good, it is very fulfilling; yet, when the relationship is not so good, marriage is frustrating and aggravating.   I have heard some people say, “I love my wife but I do not like her whatsoever!”  Everyone that has been married for any length of time has had similar feelings and thoughts about their marriage.  What causes these feelings?  Where do we go wrong when it comes to being married?

Marital Conflict

I want to give you what I consider the top seven areas of conflict in marriage.  Over the next couple of weeks, we will address each one specifically.

  1. Expectations:  When we get married, we have a set of expectations that govern our thoughts about marriage.  Either those expectations are formed by the way our parents treated their marriage, or by a fantasy that was developed while we were young.  If our parents had a good marriage, then we probably expect our marriage to be similar.  If our parents divorced or had major conflict, we develop our fantasy of what we desire.  Either way, our expectations can become a source of conflict in our marriage.
  2. Children:  I do believe that children are a gift from God.  No one is ever a mistake or a problem, yet children are something that couples fight about within marriage quite often.  Some of the topics of concern are when to have children, how many to have, how to discipline them, and how to educate them.   Then if you have children from another relationship, those issues are magnified.  Obviously, kids can be a great source of blessing and fulfillment.  Or they can be a great source of conflict.
  3. Money:  How do we budget?  What do we spend it on?  Who makes the decisions about what is spent?  How do we save?  Do we make enough?  Each one of these topics can be a source of conflict. 
  4. Time:  Everyone has the same 24 hours in a day.  Using time for yourself versus using time for your marriage is the main issue.  Everyone needs time alone, but how much?  Everyone needs to have hobbies, but do they interfere with the marriage?  Everyone has to work, but when is it enough?  Time can be a major source of conflict for a couple.
  5. Sex:  Most people do not expect the sexual relationship to be an issue when they get married.  They believe that area will be one that is very fulfilling, yet is becomes an area of frustration for many couples.  There is so much more to this area of the relationship than just being in bed together. 
  6. Family:  The extended family can create sources of conflict for a couple.  Their demands and expectations can be a strain.  The conflicts among family members can create struggles.  The physical distance between families can be a source of problems for a couple, not to mention the free advice that can be given.
  7. Communication:  We live in the information age.  We are connected through all different forms of communication.  We text, chat, tweet, post and sometimes we talk.  Even with all of that, sometimes we do not understand one another or connect with each other.

Each one of these issues can create great conflict in a marriage.  This list is not necessarily in any specific order.  It does represent the struggles that I have seen over the years in a lot of marriages.  Again, over the next couple of weeks I will address each topic in depth. 

What would you add to the list?  I would love to hear any additional topics that you would like for me to address.

Brad 2014

Bradley D. Watson, BCBT
Directed Path Ministries

After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry.  The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word to shine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.

Develop The Life and Marriage You Desire

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Five Steps To Enhance Your Married Sex Life

October 29, 2014 By bwatson 1 Comment

CMBA_challenge_14 (1)The CMBA Challenge for October included Words of Wisdom from different sources each week…Family, Bible, Friends, & Books or Blogs.

This week being Books or Blogs has been difficult for me to decide which book I wanted to reference.  I have read so many books on marriage over the years and each one has merit and has added value to my marriage.  After what seemed to be a long time of consideration, I have chosen a book that I have not ever seen in a book store.  I had the privilege of hearing the author speak at an AACC World Conference several years ago and I have been recommending the book ever since.  The book is Sacred Sex by Tim Gardner.  He explains in the introduction of the book, “If you’re looking for a new erogenous zone, a medical breakthrough for prolonging orgasm, or a way to have fabulous sex every time the notion crosses your mind, you have the wrong book.”  There are many books that help with some of those topics.  The Generous Husband references one of those books in his blog Monday.

I believe the purpose of Sacred Sex is found in this paragraph:  “God designed marital sex to be an encounter with the divine. Sexual intimacy, with all of its overwhelming emotions and heart-pounding sensations, was never intended to be experienced solely in the emotional and physical realms. Rather, it is to be a spiritual, even mystical, experience in which two bodies become one. God is present in a very real way every time this happens.”

Marriage BedToo many times, we bring all of our unholy experiences and beliefs about sex into our marriage. Satan has tricked us in believing his lies about the sexual relationship.  We act on those lies. Therefore, we have an extremely difficult time removing that baggage from our minds and allowing God to transform us into the Garden experience…”naked and unashamed.”

To begin moving toward the intention God had for the sexual relationship between a husband and wife, we need to…

  1. Ask God to forgive us of our sexual sins in the past.  Be honest with God about your past.  He knows everything already.  He is asking you to agree with Him that any sexual experience outside of marriage was a sin.  He wants to cleanse you from that unrighteousness and make you whole.  Confession is a must!
  2. Forgive yourself for your sexual past.  Included in us forgiving ourselves is receiving God’s forgiveness.  Too many times we allow our sin and our past to define us as people.  God wants to define us through Christ and His righteousness, not our unrighteousness.  Forgiving yourself also means that you release the guilt of your past.  Again, seek to see yourself as God sees you.
  3. Confess to your spouse.  Yes, I believe that you need to share with your spouse about your sexual experience before marriage.  No, I do not believe you need to share all the “gory” details.  I am referring to being honest and not hiding anything.
  4. Seek forgiveness from your spouse for any inappropriate sexual experiences before marriage between the two of you.  Even if you are engaged to be married, sex before marriage is wrong.  Confess this to God and to each other.  Forgive each other and receive God’s forgiveness.
  5. Pray about your sexual lives together.  Realize that God intends your sexual union to be holy.  He makes it holy.  Invite Him into your bedroom.  You invite Him into other aspects of your marriage, why not the sexual union?  I know that this sounds weird and maybe even perverted.  I assure you that God will be pleased that you are wanting your physical intimacy to be pleasing to Him as well as to each other.Couples Praying

Following these five steps will enhance your sexual relationship and deepen your intimacy throughout your marriage .What book or blogs have you read that have brought value to your marriage?

Brad 2014

Bradley D. Watson, BCBT
Directed Path Ministries

After spending more than 25 years on church staffs, God has allowed me to take the experiences and knowledge that I gained to develop a Biblical Counseling ministry.  The basis of this ministry is to allow God’s Word to shine on the main issues in peoples’ lives in order to bring His resolutions to problems.

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